Feature photo by Jessica Driver / Above photo by Timm Williams
If you have tattoos (like me) then you know that people are often asking for advice about being inked. If you’re not tattooed, here is a short guide to some mistakes to avoid.
Before you go under the needle, have a look to see what the following might say about you.
Photo by Enricus
Tribal Band/Barbed Wire – Upper Arm
This tattoo proclaims you as a member of the tribe, that’s true. The sad part is that the tribe in question is the “sub-literati.”
Super Hard Neck Tattoo
The placement implies anything but hardness, no matter the subject matter. This is the mark of the young man with erectile dysfunction, or at the very least, a premature ejaculator. Can you say overcompensation? Go ahead and try again. I’m willing to be patient.
Garden Variety Butterfly Tramp Stamp
Beware the secret garden below. The butterfly belies a much more sinister truth, and though the garden is sure to be properly pruned, the implication that insect life may seek exodus from the deep cleavage below may not be so far off the mark.
Look At My Boobs Sacred Heart
Frank Zappa had it right about you Catholic girls. Too many years cooped up with the same sex have you making this desperate and permanent plea for male attention that you reiterate every time you “forget” to close those top buttons.
Photo by goodeye03
Any Placement Of A Dolphin
Bad enough on a necklace or a t-shirt, the dolphin tattoo indicates a desire to be seen as peace and earth loving. The bad news is that you were probably inspired to get it after an alcohol fueled domestic abuse disturbance that resulted in your arrest.
Nautical Star
Would you cut it out already? The closest you’ve been to the open water is happy hour near the naval base during shore leave.
Photo by haycarrieanne
Angel Wings On The Back
In your desire to be different, you committed the error of putting puny, atrophied angel wings on your back in an indelible medium. Were they suddenly to become corporeal, you’d be left with useless nubs that make getting dressed impossible. Shows severe spatial orientation issues.
Flower On The Ankle
The design you picked out gave you a familiar, warm-fuzzy feeling. It’s unfortunate that you failed to recognize it was because it resembled the packaging on your favorite feminine hygiene product. A future of daytime soaps awaits you.
Tazmanian Devil
Any Looney Tunes character pretty much says the same thing, but Taz is the mark of the beast – as in Old Milwaukee. The calling card of the unemployable, the Tazmanian Devil shows a character deficit that pretty much guarantees you will complacently be the recipient of public assistance for the rest of your life.
Low-Abdominal, Sub-Navel Tribal
Your shirt’s too short and your pants are too low and that means we can all see your belly tattoo. With or without a belly button ring, this almost definitely indicates a cavalier approach to birth control. Pretty soon, your tattoo will be ravaged by your impending and unplanned pregnancy.
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212 Comments... join the discussion!
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How about the “your name” tattoo… I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had guys in bars approach me and say, “hey, this is so crazy! I’ve totally got ‘your name’ tattooed on my ass!!!”
Wow… impress me some more guys!↵ -
While I understand you argument when it comes to the cliche tattoos, I don’t think it another person can decide what type of tattoo a person should or shouldn’t get. And of all the tattoos you nitpicked on, you missed the most important on foolish of them all…someone else’s name.
The only tattoo I think a person should truly stay away from is getting someone else’s name. I met a guy that decided to get his wife’s name tattooed on his arse. Then he got a divorce. What did he do with the tattoo? He got a big, fat black heart to cover it up. In my opinion, she have kept the name because how he just seems like a pansy.
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Unless you’re a South Seas Islander, member of the merchant marine or a bike gang, you have no business getting a tattoo.
The current (although rapidly waning) vogue for body ink is an expression of clueless consumerism — nothing more.
Or, as D. Coupland said, “purchased experiences don’t count.”
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This is hilarious…the very first tattoo my brother got was a taz. devil. He’s never held down a job for longer than a year, and has been on social assistance for the last 5 (maybe) years and will be on it until they kick him off!
TOO FUNNY! (by the way, I despise my brother)
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tats are awesome
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Oh man, this was hilarious!
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I have 4 little tatts, they are all in places people can see. I didnt do them for just me, even though the meaning is for me. I get posative feed back and bad. I dont care I like them, they are on my body. I try to put alot of thought into a tatt. I dont just go see a nice pic, eg fairy, coy, rose . Sorry they dont do a thing for me. Be original
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Okay, you just gave evidence for the point of this article. One misspelling in a comment can be considered a mistake, but you, quite honestly, are in need of an English lesson.
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Miss Sedgwick,
With this shining bit of brilliance you’ve tattooed your greatness indelibly on the left corner of my beef’d heart. In an age where this social virus of “tats” have crept onto the bodies of 1 in 4 of the uncritical mass, your pointy observations take the pith out of the tooliest of society’s tools and add the sobering vinegar. Thanks for calling b.s.- somebody’s got to.
Check this. I’m sure you already have:
http://www.mixpod.com/makemp3.php?query=Taco+Bell+Dog+And+Taz+Tattoos↵ -
Too bad you’re illiterate. Your statement would have been one pube hair shy of profound.
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HILARIOUS! The only one I’d add is any Asian symbol that someone trusted the artist to apply…. Really? You’re SURE that means “great goddess?”
I got a tat whilst bumming Europe and Asia for a couple years that can only be seen by those truly close to me. I.e., my husband and daughters. My little girls love the “dove stamp” on my low, low hip and I can remember to tell them how much fun they’ll have discovering the world and growing up; then go to work to support our next trip.
See you in the waters of Turks!!!
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I like this article. I’m asked about tattoos all the time and I agree with your advice.
Greeting from Tokyo!
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Great top-10 list! As a professional trend-dodger, what ink pitfalls have you been lucky enough to avoid so far? And if the only qualification for giving ink advice is having ink, well then, I guess having “cliche ink” allows the owners to unwittingly pass on bad, “cliche” advice. Too bad. How could I, as an ink-ed person, be able to tell the difference so I don’t pass on my “cliche” ink advice to unsuspecting seekers of ink advice? How do you know? Is it the camera, or the notebook? Hopefully the notebook since it’s cheaper. Or maybe just the not-so-subtle tinge of elitist ignorance in the name of typecasting all tattoos not your own? Do us a favor: stick to the writing on topics your credentials validate. (For these purposes, I do not consider “having a tattoo” a credential) and to all the readers of garbage space-wasting articles like this one, please remember: It’s your body and no one else’s. It is a blank canvas on which to express any idea you want, regardless of whether some novice blogger considers it to be a “cliche”.
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No that would be wrong, but that was a nice try.
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What do you mean by wrong? As in it is still a shitty tattoo? and how are you posting from January?
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are you calling fake?
I saw that with my own eyes & camera.. on the beach in Mexico..
I was lucky to even get the photo, as he was putting his shirt on and then left.
I didnt get to hear the story behind it.↵ -
Kirk, the reply was to Randy, but since you answered…
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