Photos by authorMorgan Leahy discusses the value of creating a home and staying in one place while her husband serves in the Navy.
When I got home from work today, my husband Justin told me he would be away all the following week at a training course in New Mexico. That means next week I will be home alone. Again.
Justin is in the Navy, so he goes on a lot of this sort of business trip. He was away for almost 8 months in 2009. This year, while he probably won’t deploy, I’m sure I’ll find myself on my own a lot and stuck in the house by myself.
Before I met him, I could never have imagined that I would want to stay in one place for any amount of time. Justin and I both felt the same way. Our first few dates, we tacitly impressed each other by talking about all the wild things we wanted to do one day, and our shared wanderlust made it easy for us to pack his car two summers ago and move out West.
We lived in San Diego for almost a year before he deployed, and all of a sudden, I found myself located an entire country away from family and friends and an entire world away from the man I loved.
Until then, I thought not having a home was more important than having one, but when I found myself fending for myself, forging a life without my partner, suddenly developing a solid home base became a priority. I manned the fort and turned the apartment – one that had only been ours a short time — into a home.
In my spare time, –and I had a lot of it — I began to create the perfect space for us. I placed Justin’s Bahraini rug, the one a friend brought back for him a few years ago, in the living room. It takes up half the room, but it’s neat. I like it. I collected candles and tried really hard not to let his cactus die. I moved furniture around. I bought decorative knobs for our dresser, and when the Anthropologie catalog arrives in the mail, I flip directly to the home décor section.
What exactly was I doing here? And who was this person I had become? I thought we were a couple who lived for adventure and defined ourselves by the desire to be free, not to be tied down. The summer Justin was deployed, though, that old definition of myself no longer mattered. Being with Justin is being at home. I couldn’t be with Justin, but turning our shared home into a place that reminded me of him and gave me the stability I was missing.
Many in my situation moved back home, but that wasn’t for me. It was a good experience to spend seven months in a totally new environment. I learned to be independent. Justin and I improved our communication skills while juggling time zones and work schedules which in turn strengthened our relationship.
When he leaves the Navy, things will return to normal. There won’t be jobs or mortgages holding us back. No threat of court martial looms should we choose to pick up and move wherever, whenever.
That future time in my life feels so open, and we spend many lovely hours talking about the possibilities.
“Should we do the Peace Corps?”
“Yes! Should I go to grad school in Manhattan?”
“Of course! Should I try to calculate how long we could live on our savings in an apartment in Mexico City or Paris?”
“Sure, I’ll help. Have you thought about the Appalachian Trail?”
The future holds everything and anything, but right now that’s not what I want.
Right now, I love every day that I come home from work, and he is waiting for me on the couch, legs propped on our coffee table, thumbing through the pages of another book on his reading list. I relish my to-do lists of household chores or schedules or anything that smacks of normalcy. I want to sleep in on Saturdays and play trivia at the bar down the street on Tuesdays. Right now, world travel can wait, because I like being home.
But when I know we’ll no longer be separated for months at a time, when we do take off and go, I’ll have no trouble leaving the candles and catalogues behind.
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15 Comments... join the discussion!
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Lovely thoughts, Morgan. My husband is working far from home right now too, and it’s a new experience for both of us. I enjoyed hearing your perspective.
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I really admire you both, I don’t think I could do it myself. Thanks for sharing your story!
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Thanks Rebecca! You could do it too, you never know until you have to try.
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Thanks for reading Kate and Michelle (I can’t figure out why but my computer won’t let me “reply” to either of you.
Kate – I cleaned like crazy when I was alone here. I would cancel plans to clean and now that he is home there is a “morgan pick up your stuff” chair.
Michelle – Good luck, I know everyone is different but sometimes the absenses are good for us. I hope you can find some positive things about being alone
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Yes, move to Mexico City!
I loved this essay, Morgan, and can relate to it on so many levels.↵ -
Thank you everyone for reading and offering such thoughtful replies. I’m glad that I’m not alone in talking about travel all day but (for right now) wanting to be in my own bed tonight.
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What a great piece of writing. Even though I get to spend time with my husband every day, though we both always thought we’d just be nomads and travel wherever, whenever, we own a home now, and it feels so right. We take pride in having something that is ours together.
Thanks for writing this. It’s beautiful.
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I really enjoyed this piece. I’m going through a period of being “grounded” for a few years while my husband finishes his degree, and it’s been hard to get my mind off of thinking about the “what’s next” part of our lives and focus on being in ONE place for three years. I’m still not sure if I’ve dealt with that completely, but I know it’s necessary. Just decorated my office…
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I find that the further and the longer I am away from home the more fierce I love Washington. Immersing myself in the possibilities of travel brings the possibilities of home in to sharp relief.
I do believe that Seattle is the best place in the world, but sometimes I have to go around the world to be reminded!Great piece, look forward to more from you Morgan!
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Really loved this essay Morgan!
As a newly wed, I can relate on a different level. Before I met my husband, we were (and still are) avid travelers. But now, we just crave being at home and trying to settle.
So much so that just this past weekend, I hopped on a standby flight and returned home one day earlier from a conference in London.
To frigid snowcovered subzero temperatures in Stockholm.
Just to be with him.
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Julie,
Mexico City would be amazing, I will ask you about it if we ever get serious about that, I know we will at least take a trip
Thanks for reading
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Beautifully written Morgan. I envy you making a life for yourself far from home and everything that provides comfort after growing up in a close knit family. I am on the other end of my life journey in marriage with children leaving for college and a new life filled with the unexpected and unplanned with my husband. I only hope I can be as passionate and bold as you are. You make me want to go out there and love life with the man I love.
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Morgan,
I’m a military spouse too, and moving around with my husband has been one of the hardest things since I was happy and established in one place.San Diego is a great place to find yourself though!
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Really great piece – thanks for sharing!
My husband and I have been traveling and setting up “homes” living in other countries. I carry a few things like a small picture album and books to keep a sense of home while we travel, but it’s more that we’re home for each other. It sounds sappy, but we definitely look to each other to feel at home.
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