Photos by Leigh Shulman
We always say how it’s important to appreciate the small things in life, but do we really believe it?
Mornings have been difficult in our house lately. My five-year-old Lila takes her proverbial sweet time getting dressed. Every little thing, shirt, shoes, socks, everything becomes a massive time consuming endeavor. Most days, I find her sitting on the floor wearing only underwear and a pair of socks while singing made-up songs and acting out little shows with her stuffed cat – Kitty – and two plastic toy puppies named Rainbow Sprinkles and Flower Rice.
While I have to admit, I find it adorable, and even more so, applaud her creativity, getting dressed involves multiple reminders on my part. Read: nagging. Otherwise, it’s impossible to get out the door.
Lord Save Me From Sticker Charts
“Use a sticker chart,” people told me. But I’ve always hated those stupid charts. How tedious and demeaning. I mean, if you tried to motivate me out of bed in the morning with a sticker, even a puffy, sparkly Hello Kitty one, I’d seriously have to fight the urge to punch you in the face. And I am not normally a violent person. I don’t want people talking down to me. I don’t want to be treated as if I’m an idiot, needing some small and pointless reward in order to move me onto the next simple step.
But after trying everything else I could think of, I gave in, bought a notepad, some princess stamps and a pile of stickers.
1. Put on clothes.
2. Brush Hair.
3. Shoes.
4.Brush Teeth.
5.Take a Shower/Wash Face.
6. Brush teeth once again.
7. Go to bed.
For each activity she completes with great alacrity, she receives a stamp on her chart. For every full day of things she does without more than two reminders each from us, she gets a sticker. Every five stickers – meaning a perfect week without constant nagging on the part of us parents – Lila gets to do or have something fun of her choice.
See what I mean? Painfully tedious. You probably don’t even want to read the list.
I Was Wrong
But you know what? Lila adores this system. It excites and invigorates her. Our mornings are nagless as she runs to us to show how she’s completed each task and relishes each choice of stamp. I watch as her delight in a sticker becomes synonymous with her daily routines. Kitty, Rainbow and Flower partner in her project and she incorporates play into the more structured framework of her life.
That’s when it hit me. How wonderful to find pleasure in these small things. Perhaps the real problem is that we adults somehow stop finding contentment so easily. And maybe, just maybe, it would be pretty damn great if someone coaxed me through each of my daily projects with the promise of some minor reward.
Maybe a sticker wouldn’t excite you, but what would?
Photo by Leigh Shulman
A good piece of chocolate? A strong coffee or an afternoon alone to do as you please? Those would all be lovely, but do they strike you with the same intensity as Lila exhibits when she gets to choose her sticker at the end of the day?
My graduate school writing mentor Ed Rivera, author of Family Installments: Growing Up Hispanic in America, told me once that he believes the crux of creativity lies in the ability to never stop seeing the world as a child. I remind myself of that each time I sit down to write.
What would it take for you to find that pleasure in life’s everyday ordinary joys?
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15 Comments... join the discussion!
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You sound like you already see the world like a child. I want a leaf now. I think I’ll take Lila out for a walk in the woods after school today. We’ll collect them.
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Ha, “I’d seriously have to fight the urge to punch you in the face.” So, so true.
This is a hard one for me, because I think it is human nature to get caught up in the reward, which may start out as a simple piece of chocolate, but then turns into a bigger piece of chocolate, a whole bar, or an entire box of chocolates if people aren’t feeling inherently fulfilled by what they are doing (or a daily cocktail(s), toke…the list goes on).
Sure, there are all things we have to do that we don’t want to do, but hopefully, people are doing a good chunk of what they love throughout the day which makes those tedious times more bearable.
And I’m not saying we shouldn’t enjoy the good things in life (I wouldn’t dare say such a thing about chocolate or wine!), but to use these as more of a celebration rather than a reward sets up different neurological pathways in the brain. Over time, it is chemically impossible to keep those highs high if we are doing it consistently.
As for setting this system up with kids? I can’t really say. I’ve heard structure is good for them (and, true, it is good for us too), and I agree with your main point – we can certainly learn from their interest and intensity about the simple things in life.
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I completely agree, Christine. Which is why I never use food as a reward, and also why I’ve been reticent to try the sticker chart thing.
I think the key to what you say, though, is “if people aren’t feeling inherently fulfilled.” My hope is the sticker-reward remains simply a structure for this one part of her life and that separately she’ll learn to express her needs and desires, thus allowing her to know when she isn’t feeling fulfilled.
And while I am generally of the belief that it’s better to allow people to figure things out on their own and make their own choices, living with Lila has taught me that children absolutely need and want structure. I often see Lila testing me just to see if I’ll hold her to limits.
It’s a huge responsibility, I find, to be the limit maker for another human. Luckily, I also find the best way to help her is by being more conscious of my own choices, rewards and celebrations. She learns more from what I do than what I try to teach.
But I’m still figuring this all out as I go along.
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I try to keep things in perspective and find the good and positive things in every day and really focus on those. I take time to slow down and take walks with my husband. I spend time every day canoodling with my pets. I write long letters to my sister on the weekends. But it is easy to get wound up and let all those wonderful moments of every day just fly by without realizing how much pure happiness we’re missing. For me, unplugging from the digital world and looking at the world with an organic eye often helps me refocus on the little joys in life.
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Very true, JoAnna. Things in the real world move at a much more tranquil pace than online. It’s a good reminder, particularly for those of us who work there.
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I simply LOVE Lila and her mom!!!!!! You guys make life seam so damn funny! And that´s why I love getting bits of your energy throughout your writing!!!!!
Besos a las 2 flores newyorkinas! (Y al arbusto -Noah- tambien!)
))))Ran.
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Good read. I was recently talking about a similar topic on my dog blog.
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Thanks for this article, Leigh (I’m bookmarking so I can come back to it in a few years!
I recently watched this video (http://cuadernoinedito.wordpress.com/2009/10/07/when-did-you-stop-being-a-poet/)
of the poet Naomi Shihab Nye reading a poem based on things her son said, and what was so powerful and profound was just how much he was in touch with his creativity– how do we lose that?↵ -
Thank you for that, Julie. It just made my day, and also reminds me to start writing down the things Lila says right now.
How do we lose it? I’m not sure we do. I think that sort of freedom and wonder gets buried under a huge pile of shoulds. It happens when our world becomes too familiar. That’s why travel is so important to me. Keeps me from ever feeling like I know anything, and I’m always learning.
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This article ‘hit home’ on so many points.
“Perhaps the real problem is that we adults somehow stop finding contentment so easily.”
truedat.
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This is a good one, Leigh. I’ve taken a different approach to it, by watching kids about your daughter’s age enjoy running – think about just how excited they are getting from point A to point B at high speed, without needing to be early or at a decent pace. We should all try running like a child once in a while.
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Few things are better than watching a child run and laugh without a concern in the world.
Lila didn’t have to think about time until she started school, which we mainly decided to do because it gives her an immediate community of friends in a place where we don’t know that many people (yet). But I’ll tell you, Turner, it was a bittersweet day when we started teaching her about time and having to be anywhere on it.
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What a “feel-good” article! Loved reading this …
People often tell me that I have a childlike spirit so most of the time I don’t find it that hard to appreciate the simple things in life. I’m not saying that I don’t have my moments.
And if you think about it, we’re surrounded by things that could help us reconnect with our inner child. I find that walking helps, watching cartoons lol … also watching kids playing and exploring the world, smelling the crisp fresh air just after it’s been raining for a while and so on …
Great post!
Cheers,
Marica
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I love this, too. I used to love hearing my daughter playing in the next room, cheering herself on, and she still does — “I am SO good at drawing horses! I am really good at dressing like a warrior!” Whatever it may be, it makes me wonder when I lost the sense of acknowledging, proudly and happily and unself-consciously, what *I* like and am good at. I think part of children’s joy in rewards is that it shows them, again and again, when they’re doing a great job. We could all use a little more of that. (Except for the people who give themselves way too much of that.
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