Enter outrage and upset from breastfeeding supporters who feel her article is both an affront to those who breastfeed – let’s call ‘em Uberboobers — as well as discouraging to those who want to try. Then look at the other side of the field to those who found Kathryn’s article to be helpful, a breath of fresh air for those who feel criticized for choosing formula in bottles.

The real issue, however, lies elsewhere. The current debate raging on the internet about breastfeeding sets up sides, forms camps and then draws a line between the two. And really, who wants to choose between “putting your teeny, tiny innocent baby…where only a lover has been before” or “being a selfish person who puts her child second to her funbags.”

I searched for the original Mother & Baby article, but only found news items running quotes, most replete with the same us against them language. Kathryn Blundell, says one woman, “completely sums up the minds of us formula feeding moms.” Others reduce women who stop breastfeeding to “quitters,” as if deciding to formula feed represents parenthood failure.

I’m not sure where the dichotomy originates. With moms or with the media. Although I suspect, like most things, it comes from somewhere in between.

My Personal Experience?

I breastfed Lila for two years and three months. At the beginning, I loved it. By the end, I was done. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Keep in mind, too, it was relatively easy for me. This is not the case for all. For many, breastfeeding can be excruciatingly painful on both a physical and emotional level. The last thing anyone needs on top of a post partum lack of sleep is to be told you’re not being a good mom because you’re formula feeding. Nor do you need someone calling you a martyr for braving on when a bottle works just as well. Both sorts of advice produce a level of guilt that keeps you from making clear choices.

I, myself, continued far longer than I wanted because of pressure I felt from outside myself. Instead of supplementing with formula, so Noah or someone else could take up some feeding times, I decided I had to do it all myself. This meant I couldn’t be away from Lila for more than a few hours and didn’t sleep through the night for almost a year. Being a parent is a commitment, yes, but that is not necessarily the one we intend to make when having children. Nor should it have to be.

If and when there’s a next time for me, I will most definitely supplement with formula. I will not make parenting choices based on guilt and pressure and will instead figure out what is best for me and baby together.

But it doesn’t stop with breastfeeding

Not by a long shot.

There are tens of polarized debates relating to motherhood. Working Out Of Home Mom versus Stay-At-Home-Mom. Do you allow your child to learn to fall asleep on his own by crying himself to sleep? Or do you lie in bed with your child to soothe her to sleep? Do you hire a nanny or send your little one to day care? Do you have your baby in a hospital with a doctor or with a midwife at home?

It is exhausting and turns every parenting decision into one of right and wrong, moral or immoral. In reality, though, choices of this sort are not a black and white, thus, no matter what you choose, you will be wrong on some account. How’s that for banging your head against a wall?

The bottom line is if you are lucky enough to have the choice between all these options, rejoice. Please yourself first. Take care of yourself first.

The Ubiquitous Feminism Tie-In

Nancy Harder recently questioned if these days feminism is perhaps worse off than ever. As a partial answer, I’ll repeat here the words of Linsey Abrams, a feminist writer, fiction author and also my grad school adviser. “Leigh, ” she said. “Feminism is simple. It’s not a whole big argument with theory and miles of discussion. Feminism comes down to one thing. The ability to be able to make the choice to do what you want.”

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

What are your experiences with breastfeeding or formula feeding? Share your thoughts in the comments. For a male view of breastfeeding, check out Adventures in Weaning: Cold Turkey in the Great American Desert.

Photo by hiperkarma

I peruse a few parents’ message boards out there. Sometimes to ask the occasional piece of advice. Other times, I drop in to see what’s what with the latest discussion. I logged on yesterday to see the following raging about Abby Sunderland.

Who is Abby, you may be wondering? Let’s hear from the message boards.

Girl who failed to sail around the world at 16. she’s planning on writing a book and is having lots of fun on her adventure, getting a ride home from some funny french guys

Then come the criticisms:

Who the hell lets their 16 year old daughter sail across the ocean by herself?

Am I the only one that finds it freaky that Abby is still at least a week away from home, getting rides on boats full of men?

Isn’t it illegal to let a 16yo sail the world alone? Like child neglect or endangerment?

So nobody but me is bothered by the fact that Abby the sailor wasn’t in school this whole time?

Some outright anger:

I seriously can’t believe that Australian tax payers will pay for Abby’s rescue. I would be SO pissed!!!

i am iffy about abby being found alive cause those dumbass will just do it again

Abby Sutherland [sic] should’ve been left out there longer they didnt learn shit

And then of course, my favorite:

I think about Abby every hour since she sent her distress beacon signals out and cry like a little fucking faggot. Her parents are dopes, but she’s a child lost at sea.

Photo by Christian Haugen

To be fair, that last one is a bit of an inside joke, and there were a few voices of support among the negativity, but ultimately, the overwhelming tone I hear from parents is one of fear.

Make sure you do things the traditional way. Don’t attempt something big, because you might die. Be afraid of men. Fear of failure There’s a focus on what’s wrong, what can’t and shouldn’t be done and then, of course, anger and punishment when you stray from those traditional boundaries.

This is why I love Lenore Skenazy.

Lenore Skenazy, the NY columnist who blogs about parenting on her Free Range Kids website, received similar attacks when in 2008 she wrote about allowing her then 9-year-old son to take the subway home alone.

Recently, she suggested parents take their young children — seven years and older — and leave them in the park to play alone. More uproar and outrage. Lenore’s exercise challenges parents. It forces them to face their own demons. Kids don’t know to be afraid of being alone in the park. They don’t worry about being kidnapped or weird men that may touch them funny or being murdered by a random stranger. Those are parental concerns.

Children learn their fears from their parents.

Is Abby An Abject Failure?

In my opinion, no. Did she succeed at her original goal? No, but she is willing to try again. Her parents would be willing to support her again, even though it seems they now have the enormous burden of paying the bill for her rescue. And really, how many of us would know what to do on a broken boat in the middle of a stormy ocean? That alone shows amazing ingenuity and knowledge.

Photo by foundphotoslj

Still, my heart sank when I heard of her disappearance, because I knew immediately fingers would point saying “See, she never should have tried.”

And suddenly, the accomplishments of Jessica Watson, who recently completed her solo trip, or Abby’s older brother who boated his way around the world, would disappear. For many, their complete goals wash away in the face of one apparent failure.

But failure is a normal part of life, and people who actually go out and do things will not succeed 100% of the time. They will, however, accomplish their goals some of the time. Those who never try, succeed zero percent of the time.

What Message Will We Gift Our Children?

Lila is six. She’s not asking me to outfit a boat and send her out on the Indian Ocean in winter storms. Nor is she asking to circumnavigate Central Park on her own with only a subway map and some change to make calls. But one day she will want to strike out on her own.

When that time arrives, I will no longer have a choice. When that time arrives, will I have provided her the tools she needs to explore this expansive, exciting, fascinating and yes, sometimes deadly, world on her own?

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

Now, it seems, there will be a reality show based on the Sunderlands. I admit, my heart took another dip and dive when I heard that.

Does this change the way you see Abby’s ability to survive on her own? Does this suddenly make her parents’ motives suspect? Share your thoughts below.

Photo by Lachlan Hardy

I’m supposed to be writing an article about the different ways in which we measure ourselves, but I can’t concentrate because somewhere in the yard behind me I can hear Lila screaming at the dog.

Sometimes she laughs, which makes me smile, but it inevitably rises into a whiny crescendo. When the pitch reaches a particular note, I know without a doubt that soon the dog will nip, scratch or do something to otherwise offend her, and it will all end in tears.

Yep, there we go. She’s crying. This time, because he’s destroyed the intricate pillow fort she’d constructed for him. Instead of doing just what she required of him, he’s broken free, grabbed the leg of her pants and is now pulling hard. The two are twirling around in circles.

I figure I’ve given her plenty of instruction on how to stop this little game, and there’s not much more I can do to help. So I sit here typing away, taking occasional sips of my tea and cringing between Lila’s shrieks, the dog barking, and hearing Noah intervene with “No, no biting. No biting.”

Excuse me a second. I have to deal with this.

Ok, five minutes later, and I’m back. The dog has been completely riled up, and I’ve just been accused by Lila of liking the dog better.

Am I the only one who wants to run away from home?

You know the feeling.

When all the things we now possess or maintain, when the weight of all the fragments of home life suddenly take on the density of star matter. Car payments, floor to clean, alarm to wake us up at 6:30 am which we then snooze because it’s winter, but you have to get up to feed the dog. They pull us in, and down, and hold us tight to suffocation.

Photo by oddsock

It’s the flip side of homesickness: sick-of-homeness, if you will.

Homesickness often hits when you least expect it. At the supermarket when you realize there’s no peanut butter or maple syrup, or when you’re tired and haven’t seen a comfortable bed in weeks. It’s disconnection.

Sick-of-homeness arises from too much connection and grabs me when I’m most frustrated. It hits hardest on weeks like this one. Lila’s been sick, and we’ve barely left the house in seven long, repetitive days.

Friday passes into Monday which becomes April, May, soon-to-be June, and the only thing marking the difference is my weekly Tuesday morning Skype call with an education consultant in New Jersey, and Lila’s Friday afternoon horse riding lessons.

Daily life requires so much tedious maintenance, and i feel trapped. Washing dishes, putting away clothes, organizing… only to realize a couple of weeks later that it’s all a mess again and needs to be reorganized. It makes me want to divest ourselves of those new dishes – already chipping after six months of use – pack a couple of small bags and get back on the road.

I begin to devise my escape, but is breaking free what I really want right now?

How To Know When It’s Time To Go

It’s actually quite simple. Ask yourself the following two questions:

• Do my choices move me toward something I want or away from something I don’t want?
• Am I afraid of making the change?

If my reasons for either staying or leaving lie only in the things I want to escape, then I have more work to do before making a choice. If fear guides me toward my decisions, it’s time to find another motivator.

As you evaluate the different parts of your life one by one, you’ll find each fits into one of these two categories.

Photo by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino

Try it. Family. Friends. Career. Pet. Significant other. Volunteer work. Favorite pizza place. Access to clean water. Exhaustion. Frustration. Sublime happiness. Great biking trails. Clean air. Horses. Backyard. Children. Access to education.

As I assess the parts of my life here in Salta, I ask myself if there is truly something here for me, right now.

It’s taken over a year to find and settle in a new house. We have a dog. Lila loves her school – which is fabulous – and she has lots of friends. I’ve started teaching again, working with a group of children in a place where I’m able to make a real difference in their lives and in mine as well.

And I love Argentina. It’s a unique country with so much to explore and so many people to meet.

The frustrations of the day will pass, just as they would resurface were I to settle elsewhere or turn full-time nomadic again. Leaving my current home would mean abandoning the promise it holds, leaving questions unanswered and projects undone.

I am not afraid of departure, but I will regret that which I leave incomplete.

Eventually, I will move on. When? I have no idea. It could be a year or three years or more. But right now, my place is where I am, even with that damn barking dog and all those other ordinary everyday joys.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

Why are you where you are right now? Let us know in the comments below. And if you are looking for inspiration to take the plunge and head off, here are ten reasons to let you know it’s time to go.

Photo by Aussiegall

Our team has grown. The topics we cover have expanded to include, among other things, politics, social media, science and technology. You, too, have helped guide the direction of Life with your comments and article submissions.

Meet the Team

When I began it was just me writing articles and sorting through submissions. Then the ever lovely Candice Walsh joined as contributing editor. We think similarly, which, I admit, often leaves us distractedly discussing the merits of the latest, most disgusting video on the internet. Most times, though, it’s a thought provoking cocktail party where we’re able to complete each others ideas before deciding on the next drink.

Neha Puntambekar and Nancy Harder — two amazing writers with fabulous ideas and interests — help even us out a bit. They answered our call for help formatting articles and general assistance. Even better, they add their voices to Life with articles about finding peacefulness at home, pets and coming soon, cooking, home renovation, personal mindfulness and more.

Juli Huang has been great support to us helping when we needed last minute details completed for an article. She was part of the Matador Team before Life existed and has now taken to orchestrating our new relationship series called Love In the Time Of Matador. Cheesy title or no, we’re a bit enamored of it nonetheless. Look forward to the first in the series this week, a discussion of open relationships when one part of a couple is on the road.

Finally, the wonderful Nick Rowlands joined us. I admit, when I first e-mailed him to ask if he wanted to be part of the team, I assumed he was too busy. Turns out, busy or not, he wanted in. Shows you the importance of asking even if you think you know the answer.

What Is the Meaning of Life?

(I never tire of that pun.)

At first, I found it difficult to get my head around what exactly Matador Life is meant to be.

Photo by Evil Erin

Life is just so broad. As the section develops, though, I find that breadth translates into the freedom to cover everything from where we originate to where we have settled. We touch on our choices and with whom we’ve decided to make them. We discuss tools to improve life: physical, software, online, emotional or psychological. We open up to make room for articles that connect our travels with home as well as the non-traditional, such as living in your car, nomadic life in an RV or polyamory.

Juli best described us as “a happy discussion balloon floating anywhere it wants in the internet sky, with Matador holding its string and keeping it from floating off.”

The possibilities are endless.

Where Are We Going In Life?

Over the course of these six months, I’ve met many of you through the travel community, through e-mails but mostly through the thought provoking discussions in article comments. From a discussion of positive stereotyping as racism to disagreement on what age, if ever, one is too old for adventure travel, you help me rethink my own view of the world.

For that I cannot thank you enough.

Without you, our community of readers, there would be no reason for us to write, photograph and think. We would have only half the conversation.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

Help us decide the direction of the next six months of Life. What articles would you like to see? Of what have you seen enough? Or simply describe for us the role you see Life playing in the greater Matador Network and community.

Photo by Mr Wabu

I first learned of this custom of giving gifts on my birthday in college. I was working on a project focusing on Native American culture in the United States and found myself sitting somewhere near Greenville, South Carolina in the backyard of an Occaneechi man named John Blackfeather drinking beer and attempting to shoot his home made arrows. Before we left, he gave me an arrow and a dreamcatcher he constructed himself.

“It’s my birthday,” John told us. I must have given him a funny look because he continued. “Oh, we Indians are different,” he joked. “We give gifts on our birthdays instead of receiving.”

So that is exactly what I did. The only rule is it can’t cost money. This year, by the end of the March 20th, I learned how true a tired old adage can be.

It’s Better To Give Than Receive

Photo by Wonderlane

I’ve always thought this little saying was tied to an often misguided altruistic streak that runs through our common human nature, and many times, it’s only words. Thing is, in spite of all I write about finding the positive in things you dislike and trusting life, I’m really quite a cynical person. Ten-plus years living in New York City, I suppose, can do that to a person. This year, though, my little birthday experiment taught me more about generosity of others and gratitude than I ever could have learned by saying thank you for gifts bought and bestowed.

In the immortal words of every writing teacher I’ve ever had: Show don’t tell.

I was presented with 25 (so far) different challenges.

Fourteen of them center on writing, blogging, editing, researching or requesting particular subjects for upcoming blog posts. All things I do for my own work. Thank you for telling me that you respect my expertise and enjoy reading my writing enough to want more.

Five people requested we meet for coffee the next time I’m in Atlanta or New York. How could I possibly refuse people who tell me that when offered anything, all they desire is my presence?

Four seek travel advice. You value my opinion?

Pam Mandel from Nerd’s Eye View asked me to spread word about the TBEX call for entries. I’ve been planning to send in an entry myself but then forgot entirely. I didn’t even put it on my to-do list. Thank you for the reminder.

Matador’s own Nick Rowlands presented an interesting challenge.

I’d like you to write a letter – a proper, old-skool pen and paper job – to any friend or family member that lives overseas and you haven’t contacted for too long.

We all have complicated relationships in our lives. This is one for me. There’s one person with whom I haven’t spoken in three years. We haven’t written, e-mailed or called.This person had been one of my best friends for over a decade. Someone I wrote to regularly throughout college and to whom I turned when my life seemed most overwhelming. The story of what happened is filled with sturm und drang and I really can’t get into it here for many reasons, but last night I put pen to paper, sealed and addressed the letter I sent today.

Thank you, Nick, for this. I never would have reached out otherwise. Life is too short to hold onto complications.

What Would You Like?

I’m about half way through the list of challenges now, and as I fill each one, I find myself wishing there were more. I realize, too, how much courage it takes to ask another human being for a favor. These days, too often, it seems we equate wanting help with weakness. And even though my birthday has since passed, I invite all of you to request something.

That will be your birthday gift to me.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

Feature photo by Poldavo. Above photo by Hauggen

When we first moved to Salta, we lived in town, so it was possible to get around without a car. Then we moved to the country. It’s not far from Salta, and while possible to move back and forth by bike, we drive Lila the10 miles to school every morning. Then Noah, who usually takes Lila to school while I work from home, went out of town, so I had to drive.

If you know anything about driving in Salta, you’ll know that it is one of the most insane places to drive on the planet. So my choice was to keep Lila home the entire week. Or brave the streets.

The first day wasn’t too awful. A bus bum-rushed me, then swerved around into oncoming traffic. Meanwhile, every car behind me honked incessantly because I wasn’t moving fast enough. From my point-of-view, though, going faster would have caused me to crash head-on into the bus while concurrently knocking over at least three pedestrians, a motorcycle carrying an entire family of four — no helmets — and two men on bikes. But I made it on time, only my ego a bit bruised from all the nasty looks and hand gestures.

Day two, the main road closed for construction, so I followed a group of cars around on a detour through traffic-lightless intersections in which size of vehicle governs right of way. I learned quickly to push ahead anyway.

By the third afternoon, I found myself wending my way through stopped cars, hitting the gas to bypass oncoming traffic and my trip into town took 15 minutes instead of 30. My hands, no longer white-knuckled, relaxed on the wheel, but I couldn’t stop cursing at passing drivers as they bobbed back and forth across one lane to overtake me. “I hate this,” I shouted.

“Don’t worry, Mama.” Lila’s little voice piped up from the back seat. “You’ll eventually get used to it.”

Am I just trying to fool myself?

Two thoughts arrived in my head simultaneously.

The first: She says that because she’s heard the exact phrase from me.

“Mama, I don’t like school,” Lila complains.
“You haven’t had to get up early all summer. You’ll get used to it.”

“Mama, I don’t know how to put my whole head underwater,” Lila lets me know.
“It feels funny to be in a place where you can’t breathe. You’ll get used to it.”

The second thought? I prickled. “I AM used to it, I thought. I wasn’t nervous. I didn’t hesitate. I know what I’m doing. I’m used to it. It’s just that I don’t like it.

Then I wondered. Is there a difference? Do we dislike things only because they’re difficult for us? Or because they scare us? Or they make us uncomfortable in some way?

Photo by Gemsling

I tried to think of example to show that you can both dislike something and be comfortable with it, and aside from food choices — I do not like dulce de leche — I could think of nothing. How often do we say we don’t like something before we really even try?

So what do you think?

Is that feeling of dislike — for people, places, things and choices — simply a form of of avoidance? And perhaps are these dislikes simply negatives in our lives that keep us from accomplishing what we truly want? Then, of course, there’s the other side of things. Why do we so often stay with things we don’t like? A job. A relationship. Even possessions, like houses or clothing. Do we too stubbornly hold onto that which makes us most comfortable in spite of what we lose?

I have no definitive answers to these questions.

Returning to me and driving. By the time Noah returned home, I’d had enough. I immediately handed the keys to him. Still, Lila’s innocent question made me realize I should continue to force myself to drive until I do truly feel comfortable.

That’s one step closer to greater freedom.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

We talk often here on life about how to move past the things that hold you back and keep you from living your dream. From the I-Can’ts to recognizing when it’s time to move and travel and when it’s time to put down roots.

How do you know when you’re setting up your own obstacles? And how do you avoid them?

“Why?” you may ask. Because he was worried “the black people” would come. Of course, the fact he lives in an extremely white and rather isolated part of Long Island didn’t seem to ease his fears. In order for those black people to come, they would need to hop in their cars – train wasn’t an option, remember, because of the blackout – and drive all the way over to Long Island in the pitch dark just to steal his stuff.

Really, what are the chances?

The reality of that night?

I’ve never seen people so decent to each other. The neighborhood kids, usually quite hooliganish, carried flashlights to help people to their homes. Grocery stores and bodegas gave away free food, because it would go bad left unrefrigerated anyway. Never before and never again in ten years did I see Cobble Hill as such a community.

Fear jails you. We sat on our stoops chatting. He sat there wide eyed and fearful for one long wakeful night.

Almost seven years later, my family and I still laugh at this guy. We’ve even adopted a phrase — the title of this article — in his honor. It refers to any time someone assumes the worst about another person because of prejudice. It means shortsighted, irrational fear of something unknown.

The Other Side of Irrational

Then there’s Emma. She’s a housekeeper in NYC. I met her in the laundry room of our building where we’d exchange pleasant smiles and hello. We couldn’t speak because she doesn’t know English, and at the time, I didn’t speak Spanish.

Skip forward five years. Emma started babysitting for Lila, and I learned a little more about her.

Emma is Bolivian.
She used to be a nun.
She worked in an orphanage.
She left because as a nun she wasn’t able to adopt the children.
She adopted two.

Emma is one of the most wonderful, honest decent people I have met in my life. She works hard, and nothing is too difficult, too complicated or too much for her. I trust her with my daughter, which is the highest praise I can give anyone.

When I think of what a Bolivian is like, I think of Emma.

-Photo by antisocialtory

Of course, living here in Argentina on the edge of Bolivia, people have a slightly different story.

When I visit public offices here in Argentina – immigration for renewing our visa or registro civil for residency here – I’m treated differently than many of the people waiting — almost all Bolivians — in the office. We are warned to watch out because, you know, all those stories of Bolivians kidnapping young children at the mall for ransom. We’re told we need shots for Hepatitis A and other diseases because, well, they come from Bolivia. Bolivians don’t work hard. They steal.

Sitting on the front porch making saints.

The reality is my view of Bolivians is as much a stereotype as the other. It may be easier to stomach, because I ascribe positive attributes, but it is still a stereotype based on one wonderful woman. I doubt there are many like her in the world, let alone an entire country of Emmas. It’s the flip side of sitting on your porch. I call it saint making. Same thing as a bad movie where out of nowhere, the wise man or woman – usually Native American, Voodoo priestess, African shaman – appears with inchoate words of advice that lead the main character from darkness to light.

Both blind us badly.

Two recent articles on Matador raise similar issues.

The first, Fear Among Men:Notes On Traveling With A Girlfriend, frustrated and angered people in its portrayal of women as helpless travelers in need of care. On the other side, many found a main character, called The Israeli, objectionable.

A second article, Barakku: Black Culture in Japan, explores one man’s questions about race, culture and whether or not he’s comfortable being accepted by virtue of the color of his skin.

What can we understand about our own prejudice?

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

Is it our duty to eradicate stereotypes, see the world more evenhandedly or can prejudice sometimes serve a useful purpose?

I consider Audrey Scott and Daniel Noll to be friends even though we’ve never met face-to-face. I know them through their blog Uncornered Market — a favorite of mine — and through Twitter . Social media friends, I suppose you can call us.

Their most recent article, The Joy Of Living Deliberately, posits seven separate questions to ask yourself in order to help decide if the life you’re living is one you live because you’ve just somehow accidentally fallen into the patterns and choices that run your life or if you’re living consciously and deliberately by design.

This post provoked much thought for me; these are only some of my responses.

Question One: What are your priorities?

Priority is defined not just by what you want, but by what you avoid as well. Problem is, our emotions tend to blind us to what we want. Fear, sadness, worry, anger, even the so-called positive emotions of love and fidelity distract us toward the path of least résistance.

Oh, it may not feel like the easy way, but generally, when we choose to stay with that which leaves us unhappy, it is because we are more comfortable with discomfort than the idea of change.

How do you become more conscious of what might be standing in the way?

Sorry, I don’t really have a definitive answer for you. I do, however, have a couple thoughts.

First, discomfort is a good indicator of something. Think of it this way. You have a pair of shoes. You love the look. You used to love the feel, but suddenly they’re wearing thin at the sole and are rubbing in back. You’re getting blisters. You may not like it, but it’s time to move on from those shoes.

Another wonderful article by Kelly Diels titled Relationships. Hold On (Maybe) lists a number of ways to know when it’s time to move on. While she specifically discusses relationships, her guidelines apply well in other areas as well.

The truth is a beast. Ugly. Big teeth. Relentless. Patient (sometimes). Hungry. It will be fed. Sometime.

If you know, you know.

And all the reasons in the world that are stalling your exit – kids, family, property, social expectations – are just that: stalls. The biggest stall is the dream. The myth. The internal myth making and myth busting….is more dangerous and damaging than anything inflicted on you from the outside.

Myth breaking:
• fairy tales and happily ever after, always
• The One [way of doing things]

Myth making:
• I can’t commit to anything
• I quit again
• I failed again
• This is all my fault
• I should be stronger.
• I should just buck up and grit my teeth and get through it
• I will never find another
• I will die alone with cats because that’s what the unlovable do.
• I will never have children
• [I will never reach my goals if I don’t continue]

All those “again”s. They indicate personal narratives and toxic loops you’re knitting yourself into.

Sometimes we enslave ourselves to our stories. So tell yourself a new story. Tell yourself the truth. Start with this:

If you know, you know. If you don’t know, wait until you get to the knowing. More heavy lifting, hard works, stillness and listening.

Question Two: Do you recognize that you have choices? Always?

Photo by jurvetson

Ok, Audrey and Dan. In this one point, I disagree, at least partially. I get that the point of this is to say that even when it seems we have no choice, we still have control over ourselves and can make choices within the situation, but something about that doesn’t feel quite right.

There are those in this world that have been egregiously, unfairly robbed of choice. Disaster. Disease. Mental illness. Totalitarian regimes. Lack of resources.

Unfair, though, is a child’s word and has little reflection in real hard life. Try telling an earthquake that your loss isn’t fair. Thus, the loss of choice robs you of your childhood – that is innocence, love, hope — leaving pain and despair in its place.

Yes, there are those individuals who overcome, but I certainly cannot fault anyone who does not. I’m not sure what I would do in such situations.

I am, however, able to look at my own life and be fully conscious of the fact that I am one of the luxuriously lucky on this planet who can still look at the world without that potentially soul-crushing sense of loss. That is a great blessing.

Question Three: Do you regret?

What are your regrets? Mine tend to be of the things I did not do. I wish I got a teaching certificate in NYC instead of being put off by Board of Education bureaucracy. I should have gone to cooking school instead of continuing in my job at MTV. Things like that.

Regrettable things I’ve done? I have my share of unfortunate choices, but aside from a horrible haircut I got in college that I call the Duckbutt Cut, really, none stand out as regret.

Something broken may not ever fully return to normal, but it can almost always be makeshift fixed to some degree. Something that never existed? There’s not much you can do about that.

Question Four: What’s better? Talking or doing?

I will agree with them and say definitely doing.

For Audrey and Dan, that meant taking big steps such as quitting their jobs, selling everything and leaving to travel. The same doing does not apply to all.

My best friend’s mother’s name is Linda. She’s from Connecticut. She married and moved a few hours north to New Hampshire where she’s lived ever since. Linda raised three amazing children, encouraged each to be self sufficient while still following individual desire and direction. She works in social services teaching families how to better care for themselves. She has worked steadily in this area for decades, and because of her, countless people have been fed, received adequate health and dental care, prenatal care and countless other useful information to improve their lives.

Linda gets up every morning, early. She brews a pot of coffee, reads the news and is always open for a chat, to give advice or to babysit for a mom who badly needs a break (Thank you!).

Question Five: Do you realize your choices have consequences?

Yes, you will make mistakes. You will hurt people. You will hurt yourself at times, and that may well lead to regret. Ultimately, you can only do the best you can do at any given time with the information you have at that moment.

Can you with a clear mind and heart say that to be true? When you make a mistake, will you take responsibility for your error and move on?
If you can say an honest “Yes, most of the time,” then you have done supremely well.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

So now, tell me, are you choosing your life? Or is your life choosing you?

Photo by James Jordan

I write this post from Mitzpeh Yericho, a small religious Jewish settlement on the West Bank of Israel. We’re surrounded by the hills of the Judean desert where Bedouins wander; although these days, they’re less nomadic than in the past.

The wheels of our airplane touched down this morning, and since then, I have not heard a single Happy New Year wish. No one seems to realize it’s new year’s; I suppose mainly because for a majority of people in this country, it’s not.

Photo by dweekly

Who does what and when?

Jews celebrate Rosh Hashana in September. The holiday is also known as Yom Ha-din, or Judgment Day, during which people prepare to be cleansed of a year’s worth of sin. Muslims mark their new year as the first day of Muharram– Gregorian date changes depending on the lunar calendar — and tend more toward fasting and serious contemplation than wild drunken Times Square ball dropping.

Then let’s not forget Chinese New Year. This year, February 14, 2010 begins the year of the Tiger. And Persian New Year, which I can never forget, because it’s the same day as my birthday and the first day of spring.

Really, it would be fair to say that more of the planet doesn’t recognize January 1rst as new years as does.

If not now when?

Im lo achshav, u’matai, the Hebrew for “If Not Now When” was originally spoken by Hillel, ancient Jewish philosopher. It reminds us to act now, do things now because you may not have another chance. In which case, yes, let’s all take this particular New Year’s event to think back on the last year to see where we have traveled. Then think forward to the following year and imagine the next destination.

Photo by Zahrasyed

Then there’s the other famous adage by Hillel:. “If I am not for myself, who will be for me. If I am only for myself, what am i?” Taken together, they show us how every day, every moment we should support ourselves, make sure we have what we need in order to be healthy, happy and strong. Yet at the same time, we must remember there is a reciprocity of giving. That the each person on this planet, whether Chinese, Persian, Canadian or Chilean, has wants and needs, and that just because a person is a stranger living on the other side of the planet, doesn’t mean it’s ok to always put personal need first.

What was and what’s next for all of us and for Matador Life?

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all Matadorians for your thoughts, input and advice since I became editor here at Matador Life. It’s been a busy and challenging few months for me, and I’ve learned a lot. I’ve also enjoyed getting to know many of you in the travel community through blog posts and your comments on our articles. Keep writing. I love it!

Finally, I wish you all a new year full of love, luck and happiness. Happy new year, whenever you so choose your year to begin.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

Where have we been and where are we going?

Leave your thoughts in comments on your own growth or how you’d like to see Matador Life grow and change over the next year.

Screen capture of Men With Pens website logo. Feature photo by Brocco Lee.

Oh, poor, James, um, Jamie, you couldn’t get a job as a woman so you became a man. Oh, I totally understand. Of course, you’re in your late 30s. It was so much harder for us women to find work and support our children way back in the 1990s. Of course there weren’t any women in the workforce making their way back then. James, you poor thing. You’re so right. I’m sure Simone de Beauviour would agree, too.

This fills me with righteous indignation

It’s like watching Betty Draper told that even though her husband is cheating she better stay with him because basically as a woman she has no rights at all in a divorce. Or how women weren’t allowed to vote.

Photo by Mckaysavage

If only someone had thought to address these issues of discrimination against women at some point in history so that woman could begin to achieve the same things as men.

Life can be so unfair when you have a vagina.

Is this just a deliciously ironic mistake in copy?

The Washington City Paper says this goes far beyond a simple constructed masculinity in order to make a living. That, too, was my first thought when I saw the Men with Penises web page. I went, saw the deep gray brick walls and that phallus-shaped object shooting through the logo. I thought to myself, what is that? Is it a bullet? Is that supposed to be a pen? What?

This morning, I check the Men With Pens website again to see a new article titled Taylor’s a Feminist — But So Is James with authorship attributed to James. I tried to read the author profile, though, but was led to a blank page. (I assume this will change later today, though.) Bulls-eye of success, indeed!

Luckily, we women are easy to manipulate and confuse.

What also strikes me is that Taylor-James begins the article with the ever provocative statement of “Feminism is starting to piss me off.”

I can’t imagine what effect that was supposed to have on readers. Certainly not anything cheap or tawdry like garnering our attention right from the beginning, roiling us up in a fine feminist frenzy against James or Taylor or whatever man with a pen is doing the writing.

Photo by Quinn.Anya

Then we find we are mistaken. Turned around, shaken up in our silly stuck ways of thinking when we find out this James is a woman. A woman who luckily, for the sake of her career, was given the ambiguously gendered name Taylor.

This female Taylor-James says she has kept the other-James’ secret, that she understands that all those years ago, it was so much harder for a woman to make her way in the world alone. She understands why the-other-James had to slop on a detachable penis and pretend.

Does this sound fishy to you too?

The original copyblogger article has almost 2000 tweets and 500 comments. And how high do you think the Men with Pens website has jumped in unique page views since the original article published? It has sparked discussion all over the internet, and who knows how far it will go. Today Show? The View? Maybe even Oprah?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, this 37-year-old woman who makes a living writing must head off and make breakfast for my daughter, and then maybe I’ll go get some chocolate to calm myself down a bit.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

Lila and I on the beach in Panama / Photo: Leigh Shulman

The best advice I ever received came from a wonderful woman I met while studying forest conservation in Brazil’s Mata Atlantica, a subtropical rainforest just outside of Rio de Janeiro.

This woman, Amanda, is the sort whose presence makes you feel immediately at ease. You just know with her that everything will turn out right. I spoke to her one lovely evening sitting on the beach. I had no idea what I’d awaited me in the US once summer ended. No job, no apartment, no plans, and I was worried.

“Leigh,” she told me, “Trust life.”

It sounded great in the moment, sitting there drinking strong coffee and listening to the waves. Of course, life will bring me whatever I need. Her words, however, turned slippery and elusive as I sat on the airplane back to Brooklyn.

Trust life? How?

If something seems overwhelming or even impossible, say yes anyway.

Find a way to make the impossible a reality, because nothing is too big, too far, or too much, unless you decide it is.

You can see what you already-know in a way you’ve never-before-seen by simply taking the world, turning it slightly and looking from a different angle. The other day, my five-year-old daughter Lila asked me, “Mama, what happens if you touch the sun?” How would you answer her question?

I believe in collaboration. Many voices make for a richer more beautiful song, and I hope all of you will not only return to read Matador Life, but add your tone in comments and perhaps through your own submissions.

What It Means to Thrive Between Trips

Travel, it seems, comes in stages. The first, you just want to be out there on the move. I felt this way when my family – husband Noah, Lila and I – sold everything we owned and left Brooklyn to travel the world. I didn’t look back.

But constant movement can be exhausting. You move onto stage two, where you still want the strange and different travel brings, but at a slower pace. That’s when we rented a small wooden house on a tiny island off the Caribbean coast of Panama and lived there for six months. We always knew, though, we would move on.

Finally, we wanted roots, a place to be comfortable. We wanted to go home.

Now, home means many a varied thing, but I posit a few commonalities. Home means you make a commitment. Those commitments can arrive in the form of payments, work, someone you love, so you stop moving for a while. You no longer expand your world by the distance you cover, and instead cultivate your mind and yourself while standing in one spot.

Matador Life, as I see it, is about existence in that third place.