Photo by Kerosene Photography

It can’t be easy being Justin Bieber. That super-abundance of raw, unique talent, all those adoring fans (or “beliebers”), the ill-timed eruptions of acne when the hormone suppressant therapy starts to wear off. And, recently, being hated on by half the Internet.

The comments section of his YouTube videos were hacked last weekend, redirecting viewers to porn sites or opening pop-ups saying he’d died in a car crash. According to the BBC, there was also a campaign to push the search “Justin Bieber syphilis” to the top of Google Trend’s Hot Searches list.

For those of you who aren’t quite sure who Justin Bieber is, check out this YouTube video. Prodigious. Talent.

The latest episode of the Bieber cult soap opera was all set to take place in North Korea. This BBC article claims a competition on Bieber’s My World Tour Page asked people to vote on which country he should tour next. Imageboard site 4chan got hold of this and encouraged people to vote for North Korea. It went viral, and hundreds of thousands of votes were submitted in favour of sending him to the People’s Republic.

The article is pretty funny, containing dry observations such as:

It is not known if Kim Jong-il is a fan of Justin Bieber’s music.

Problem is, they didn’t check their facts properly. The competition wasn’t on Bieber’s website, but on a spoof site called Faxo. Needless to say, it wasn’t endorsed by Bieber or his record label. (The BBC have since printed a correction.)

Which means that even though 659,141 people voted to send Justin Bieber to tour North Korea, sadly he won’t be going.

Which is a shame, because the newspaper headlines would have been brilliant:

Justin Bieber commissioned to write new North Korean national anthem.

Teen singer Bieber performs to packed crowd of 11 at North Korea’s only disco.

North Korean dictator’s latest blood transfusion to come from young virgin Bieber.

Jong-il ditches Hennessy Brandy, becomes world’s largest importer of Coca-cola Zero.

Peace talks between North and South Korea open with Justin Bieber’s cover of Yellow Submarine.

I’d love for Justin Bieber to tour North Korea. It would be a kind of Worst-of-West vs Worst-of-East Death Match. Who knows, maybe he’d even come back a true belieber.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

Where would you send Justin Bieber if you got the chance? Let us know in the comments below. Extra karma if you include a newspaper headline of your own.

For more on social media going awry, check out Social Media Faux Pas and How to be a Social Media Douchebag.

One of my earliest, and most vivid, childhood memories takes me riding in my mom’s black Volkswagen Beetle, sans seat-belt. This was the 70’s, after all. We bopped along to Three Dog Night’s “Joy to the World” and tried to imagine how a frog named Jeremiah looked. There was almost nothing better than my mom, my sister, and me screaming the refrain with the wind in our hair and not a care in the world.

As my sister and I approached our teens, the paralyzing fear that one of our friends might actually hear our mom singing – or worse, that we’d be seen singing with our mom – combined with our parents’ completely un-cool and old-fashioned musical preferences, put an end to our family sing-alongs.

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Fast forward 30 years.

As new parents, my husband, James, and I naively thought that babies liked to sleep all the time. Maybe some did, but not ours. The only way our son, Alex, would sleep was in the car, preferably while it was moving. Combine this with a torturous amount of sleep deprivation, and you can safely assume we weren’t the most alert behind the wheel. We plugged in the iPod and hoped for the best. Who knew The Clash’s Rock the Casbah was a lullaby?

Coming Full Circle

Photo by shankar, shiv

Our son eventually learned to sleep on his own, and the days of aimless driving ended. Thankfully, the singing hasn’t. Both sets of grandparents live almost four hours away, so there are plenty of opportunities to rock out in the car with our now seven year-old son playing DJ from the back seat. Best of all, we get to do it together.

Get Your Gang Tuned In

You want your sing-along to be spontaneous. Kids know when they are being manipulated, and it’s not fun for anyone when it’s forced. When the whining begins — usually about 20 minutes into the trip — and there’s a long road ahead, just start singing.

NO! Not That CD…AGAIN!

I don’t understand the appeal of the Kidz Bop franchise. For those who haven’t experienced this phenomenon, I refer to those horrid remakes of popular songs sung by children instead of the original recording artists. Why bother? Why would “Yellow Submarine” be better when sung by anonymous children instead of the Beatles? My advice, go for the real thing. Open your kids to the world of music.

Don’t know the words to many songs? Make up your own or check out www.lyricsfreak.com, where you’ll found lyrics to thousands of songs. And to bulk up your own music knowledge and explore artists and songs, see www.digitaldreamdoor.com and www.bradboard.com.

Songs For The Car

Here are a few favorites that have a hook that’s fun for kids to sing along to, but won’t make you want to poke out your eyes:

50’s

Splish Splash, Bobby Darin – Blue Suede Shoes, Elvis Presley – Rock Around the Clock,
Bill Haley and His Comets – Roll Over Beethoven, Chuck Berry – Charlie Brown, Coasters – Hey Good Lookin’, Hank Williams – Lollipop, The Chordettes – Rockin’ Robin, Bobby Day – Purple People Eater, Sheb Wooley – Goodnight Sweetheart Goodnight, The Spaniels

60’s

Sugar Pie Honey Bunch, Four Tops – Yellow Submarine, Beatles – Leaving on a Jet Plane, Peter Paul and Mary – The Locomotion, Little Eva – Duke of Earl, Gene Chandler – Wooly Bully, Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs – Fun Fun Fun, Beach Boys – Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weanie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, Brian Hyland – My Generation, The Who – Born to be Wild, Steppenwolf – Hit the Road Jack, Ray Charles – Get off of My Cloud, The Rolling Stones

70’s

Country Road, John Denver – ABC 123, Jackson 5 – Y.M.C.A., Village People – American Pie, Don McLean – Stayin’ Alive, The Bee Gees – Cars, Gary Newman – Schools Out, Alice Cooper – Surrender, Cheap Trick – Crocodile Rock, Elton John – One Way or Another, Blondie – Rock Lobster, B-52’s

80’s

Karma Chameleon, Culture Club – One Love, Bob Marley – Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper – Our House, Crowded House – Walking on Sunshine, Katrina and the Waves – Bicycle, Queen – We Got the Beat, Go-Go’s – Stay Up Late, Talking Heads – Beat It, Michael Jackson – Everybody Have Fun Tonight, Wang Chung

Photo by Aka Hige

90’s

Can’t Touch This, MC Hammer – Wonderwall, Oasis – Shiny Happy People, R.E.M – The Groove is in the Heart, Deee-Lite – All Star, Smashmouth – Jump Jive and Wail, Brian Stetzer Orchestra – Getting’ Jiggy Wit It, Will Smith – All I Wanna Do, Sheryl Crowe – Livin’ La Vida Loca, Ricky Martin – When I Come Around, Green Day

2000’s – Current

I Got a Feelin’, Black Eyed Peas – Beautiful Day, U2 – That’s Not My Name, The Ting Tings – Kryptonite, 3 Doors Down – Hey Ya, Outkast – Umbrella, Rihanna – One More Time, Daft Punk – Let’s Get The Party Started, Pink

Right now, I’m enjoying every moment. I’m going to keep belting them out until my son figures out that he’s way too cool for me.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

What songs do you like to hear when you’re road-tripping? Share in the comments below.

For more music inspiration stop by Matador’s Music Festivals Focus Page.

Photo: photo by limowreck666

Auto-Tune

It can take fifty shows for a band to perfect harmonies and learn how to perform under difficult conditions. Auto-Tune is an audio processor that fixes pitch problems for singers who are incapable of singing, as well as those who just haven’t gotten their chops together. Sadly, nothing ever seems to help Stephen Jenkins of Third Eye Blind.

The Ticket Price

Moan as you might, the artist is not making nearly as much as you think, unless they’re charging Eagles prices. They are given a guaranteed lump sum but any income beyond this amount is subject to turnout (ticket sales), as well as whatever overhead is incurred for the night.

This can include the venue’s crew, the support artist’s guarantee, union fees, security and even the cost of printing backstage passes. Do you know those ads for venues in newspapers with 16 boxes promoting each show? Each band is charged back for their own little box.

Photo: mccoyspace

Catering Rider

This is a list that is sent ahead to the promoter and includes the band’s backstage wishes. Famous indulgences are too long to list but are easily perused here. Don’t let opulence requests fool you – the most popular items are often socks and underwear, of which a band can never have enough on tour.

Because these lists are sent out in advance of the dates, it is guaranteed that the artist will be sick of the catering rider by the middle of the tour, condemning the sight of 30 orange Vitamin Waters and 9 Toblerone bars.

College Shows

Do you know why your favorite band is playing community colleges in North Dakota? Because they’re bagging a pile of money. Universities have budgets for such things and artists are all-too-happy to take the check, often making triple their normal guarantee. One string of college dates can help cover the crew’s overhead for an entire year.

The Band Doesn’t Know Where They Are

No matter what the night means to you, you’re just where the bus pulled up that morning. Look closely on stage and you might catch a piece of tape with “Austin” taped to a piano, microphone or monitor. Hope for their sake that it was changed from last night.

Photo: meowhouse

In Ear Monitors

Bands used to hear their live mix through stage monitors (“wedges”), which pointed back at them and caused for ridiculous hearing loss. Nowadays most artists reach a point where they can afford an in-ear monitor system. A live mix is transmitted directly to the band’s ears, via a wireless system and custom-molded hearing pieces.

Most often you’ll notice a person on the side of the stage working a board – it’s their job to mix the sound just for the band. Telltale signs of technical problems include a desperate ear-picking, hilarious pantomimes and horrific pitch.

Merchandise Is Money

T-shirt sales might make an artist more money than their performance fee, depending on the venue. Buying one definitely puts money into the band’s pocket, but only after a percentage is taken by the venue (anywhere from 10 to 30 percent) and the materials are paid for.

A basic t-shirt usually costs the band around $3, unless they’re offering American Apparel, which will run at least double. The more colors on a design, the more the band paid to have it created – you’ll notice the price differences.

Photo: aubreyarenas

The Lighting Director

This is a sure-fire way to see if the band is broke or cheap. If the lights look like they’re done by a Radio Shack employee with a seizure disorder, that means that the band is using the “house” lighting tech, who probably hasn’t even heard the band’s album.

If the show looks smart and sharp, that’s because they have paid dearly to bring their own LD. This person usually spends a few days before tour, locked in a blazing-hot room full of lights, programming to a list of songs that the artist has given them in advance.

Sleep With The TM, Not the GT

Other than the promoter, the Tour Manager has supreme power. If you’re looking to flirt your way into a backstage pass, don’t waste time with a Guitar Tech, who will simply have to ask the TM for one (sorry GT’s, your secret is out). It is not recommended that you sleep with any of these people, especially because they all have girlfriends and boyfriends back home. But you’ll never know that, will you?

Photo: jeremycliff

Tour Buses Are Really Expensive

One tour bus can easily cost $75,000 for an eight-week tour, and that’s not even for a fancy one. The band also pays for things like gas, the driver’s hotels, overtime for long drives, cleaning and satellite TV. Fines can be thrown on top for things like pooping in the toilet (a huge no-no on tour). Add extra money for a “slider”, which allows for more living space in the main berth by popping the wall out another 3-4 feet, when parked.