Photo by sebas

It’s been over a month now since the TV show Lost came to a close with its two and a half hour Season Six finale. Whereas lots of people claim Lost is one of the greatest television shows in history, many faithful viewers were angry at the ending. Some even went so far as to say they wanted the last six years of their life back!

These things aside, I believe that Lost changed the way most people will watch TV. All the mysteries and ambiguities were a big part of the show’s appeal, and the gut-wrenching season finales brought us viewers back year after year. So profound were these mysteries that thousands of websites, blogs and forums were devoted to answering viewers’ questions, as well as developing their own Lost conspiracy theories.

Regardless of how you feel about the finale, the show did raise many questions about science and faith, life and death, and everything else in between.

Here are four of the lessons I learned from watching Lost.

Travel to unknown places among unknown people takes our ordinary lives and makes them extraordinary

With the exception of a band member, the Oceanic 815 crash survivors were all ordinary people with ordinary vices. Yet these normal travelers all ended up doing extraordinary things that were uncharacteristic of their former lives. We saw kicked drug habits, self sacrifice for the sake of others, and love towards significant others that had not previously been expressed.

Photo by JP Puerta

I feel that travel abroad can have a similar effect, removing us from our comfortable existence and introducing us to a land and a people that are unfamiliar.

Although we may have extraordinary experiences during the trip itself, it’s often when we return home and notice how our world view has shifted that our life becomes more than ordinary.

If we live without taking any risks, have we really lived?

In The Magician’s Nephew, by CS Lewis, there is a poem that says,

Make your choice, adventurous Stranger;
Strike the bell and bide the danger,
Or wonder, ’til it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had.

The characters from Lost took risks that left lasting marks on both their individual lives and the lives of everyone around them. Sure, they didn’t all produce the desired outcome… that’s why they are called risks!

At many points in our lives we might have to take risks with family, friends, love and careers. Yes, there might be unforeseen consequences, but I believe some risks are worth taking. I would much rather deal with the short-term consequences of taking a risk, and enjoy the long-term satisfaction of chasing my passions, than lie on my death bed wondering what might have been.

Photo by The B@man

Some Questions in Life Will Go Unanswered

Each week we loyal viewers returned to watch the new episode of Lost, hoping that some of our questions about the series would be answered. And each week, if a question did get answered, then even more questions arose.

It was no surprise that the finale didn’t answer all the remaining questions, and tie up all the loose ends. Did you really think it would?

When we each get to the end of our days, there are going to be questions left unanswered. Who shot Tupac? What happened to Amelia Earhart? There will be mysteries in our own lives that we can’t comprehend, questions of love and faith and why we did the things we did. But it’s the mysteries of life that make it such a ride. Without them, I believe existence would be much duller.

Live Together, Die Alone

It seems appropriate to end with Lost’s most used cliché. We first heard this very early in the show, when Jack was addressing the survivors of the plane crash, and it became a kind of mantra running all through the series. The importance of the sentiment was clear: if the survivors couldn’t learn to work together and get along, they wouldn’t make it and would die a lonely death.

Relationships are what bind us together as people. Life often sucks, but it sucks a whole lot worse when our relationships separate us rather than uniting us. We need people around us who can support, encourage and empower us. Without that, we could lead a very lonely and depressing existence. In “real life” as in Lost, it’s true that we either learn to live together, or die alone.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

If you watched Lost, what did you think of it? Are there any lessons you feel you took from the show? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Enter outrage and upset from breastfeeding supporters who feel her article is both an affront to those who breastfeed – let’s call ‘em Uberboobers — as well as discouraging to those who want to try. Then look at the other side of the field to those who found Kathryn’s article to be helpful, a breath of fresh air for those who feel criticized for choosing formula in bottles.

The real issue, however, lies elsewhere. The current debate raging on the internet about breastfeeding sets up sides, forms camps and then draws a line between the two. And really, who wants to choose between “putting your teeny, tiny innocent baby…where only a lover has been before” or “being a selfish person who puts her child second to her funbags.”

I searched for the original Mother & Baby article, but only found news items running quotes, most replete with the same us against them language. Kathryn Blundell, says one woman, “completely sums up the minds of us formula feeding moms.” Others reduce women who stop breastfeeding to “quitters,” as if deciding to formula feed represents parenthood failure.

I’m not sure where the dichotomy originates. With moms or with the media. Although I suspect, like most things, it comes from somewhere in between.

My Personal Experience?

I breastfed Lila for two years and three months. At the beginning, I loved it. By the end, I was done. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Keep in mind, too, it was relatively easy for me. This is not the case for all. For many, breastfeeding can be excruciatingly painful on both a physical and emotional level. The last thing anyone needs on top of a post partum lack of sleep is to be told you’re not being a good mom because you’re formula feeding. Nor do you need someone calling you a martyr for braving on when a bottle works just as well. Both sorts of advice produce a level of guilt that keeps you from making clear choices.

I, myself, continued far longer than I wanted because of pressure I felt from outside myself. Instead of supplementing with formula, so Noah or someone else could take up some feeding times, I decided I had to do it all myself. This meant I couldn’t be away from Lila for more than a few hours and didn’t sleep through the night for almost a year. Being a parent is a commitment, yes, but that is not necessarily the one we intend to make when having children. Nor should it have to be.

If and when there’s a next time for me, I will most definitely supplement with formula. I will not make parenting choices based on guilt and pressure and will instead figure out what is best for me and baby together.

But it doesn’t stop with breastfeeding

Not by a long shot.

There are tens of polarized debates relating to motherhood. Working Out Of Home Mom versus Stay-At-Home-Mom. Do you allow your child to learn to fall asleep on his own by crying himself to sleep? Or do you lie in bed with your child to soothe her to sleep? Do you hire a nanny or send your little one to day care? Do you have your baby in a hospital with a doctor or with a midwife at home?

It is exhausting and turns every parenting decision into one of right and wrong, moral or immoral. In reality, though, choices of this sort are not a black and white, thus, no matter what you choose, you will be wrong on some account. How’s that for banging your head against a wall?

The bottom line is if you are lucky enough to have the choice between all these options, rejoice. Please yourself first. Take care of yourself first.

The Ubiquitous Feminism Tie-In

Nancy Harder recently questioned if these days feminism is perhaps worse off than ever. As a partial answer, I’ll repeat here the words of Linsey Abrams, a feminist writer, fiction author and also my grad school adviser. “Leigh, ” she said. “Feminism is simple. It’s not a whole big argument with theory and miles of discussion. Feminism comes down to one thing. The ability to be able to make the choice to do what you want.”

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

What are your experiences with breastfeeding or formula feeding? Share your thoughts in the comments. For a male view of breastfeeding, check out Adventures in Weaning: Cold Turkey in the Great American Desert.

Photo by TheAlieness GiselaGiardino23

Our most powerful beliefs ground us. The provide us a place we can return for inspiration, energy or hope. We use them as guiding principles for life. But how does one determine our Most Powerful Beliefs? Or MPBs, if you will.

The benefits of having a Most Powerful Beliefs List

Every thought is permissible, but not everything thought is beneficial, and our minds often prefer short cuts in thinking when forming core beliefs. We all have beliefs developed from painful experiences. These beliefs can become thought patterns that may or may not be helpful. That is why it’s impossible, as writer Neil Anderson says, “to consistently live inconsistently with what you really believe.”

One of the benefits of a MPB list is that you can draw from it to help counteract your negative thought patterns. You can also use it to develop new patterns of thought, allowing the ideas that take airtime in your head to lead you positively and cheer you on, rather than distract and tear you down.

Creating my own MPB list makes it easier for me to make good choices. It reminds me to live from my highest thoughts and ideals, and not from my feelings and circumstances.

There is ALWAYS something for which to be grateful.

This is Number Three on my MPB list. Let’s say I’m having a challenging day. My son Lucca refuses to take a nap, and then the mechanic calls to say we need a new transmission for the car, and then the computer crashes for the 4th time in the middle of writing a blog post, and then I can’t find my phone, I’m tempted to sit and pout. This potentially predisposes me to making unhelpful decisions for the rest of the day because I’m feeling sorry for myself or just plain crappy.

That’s when I repeat my MPB Number Three. It allows me to focus on the things that are going well. The lettuce in our garden is thriving. My husband has planned a surprise date night for us tonight. My family is healthy.

As much as the world is full of opportunities to grow and develop our character and happiness, it is also full of noise and distractions pulling us away from who we really are and what we really want out of life. Your MPB list pulls you back to who you really are, who you want to be and ultimately where you are going.

How to create your own Most Powerful Beliefs List

Carve out some dedicated journaling time for write down all the things you believe to be most important. If the thought of staring at a blank sheet of paper overwhelms you, simply make a commitment to jot down thoughts as they come to you. Carry a small notepad and favorite pen along with you to help you out.

More tips for creating your own MPB List:

• Look at the difficulties you’ve had in your life. What wisdom is now your because of those hardships?
• Think Oprah. Every month in her mag she ends with a page of, “What I Know for Sure.” What things do you know for sure?
• Think of your favorite quotes. Is there a common theme that runs through them? This might be inner beauty, motivation, or even irony. What words empower you?
• What books inspire you? They can be religious, poetry, sacred texts or simply a favorite thriller or philosophy text.
• Think of a woman or man you greatly admire. Imagine what that person would include on his or her MPB list?

Remember this is your MPB List. You are free to change, edit and add to it as much as you like. Let it grow with you as you move through life.

Once you’ve you’ve written your list, leave it on the refrigerator or as a note on your desktop, somewhere you’ll see and read it every day, several times a day. The constant repetition allows these thoughts to sit in the forefront of your mind, pushing other less helpful and darker thoughts to the back. Memorize your list; share it with others. Use the items on that list to encourage yourself, your family and friends when they’re having a hard time.

Above all, let them empower you.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

What are some of your most powerful beliefs, that help guide you through life? We’d love to know, if you’re happy to share them below.

Photo by m00by/Feature Photo by szlea

It starts at birth when immediately you’re taken and tested with Apgar scores. Are you pink enough? Do you cry enough? Make enough faces?

It’s easy to understand why Apgar scores are important, though. They let us know quickly and easily whether or not a newborn needs immediate medical attention, but what about the other measures of our lives?

Here’s the rundown. Deep breath please….

Facebook friends. Linked In connections. Twitter followers. Pants size. Bra size. How much does your baby weigh? How many miles do you run? How often and how fast? Marital status. How many children do you have? How many countries visited. Languages spoken. Borders crossed. How many times have you been to Burning Man?

We have measurements to decide whether our children are gifted enough to start first grade on the accelerated track and No Child Left Behind tests to show if a student reads and writes well enough to pass to the next grade.

Photo by Tambako the Jaguar

Those tests in turn help us determine whether our teachers are teaching well enough for our children to pass those tests. Don’t forget SATs, A-levels, O-levels, APs, and whatever your home country equivalent would be.

Once you pass all those tests with high scores, you’re then free to move to the next level.

In college and university, the yardstick arrives in the form of cum laude, class rank and don’t forget the extra points for where you get your degree. Honor societies, sororities, academic clubs and sports teams. All that helps others decide whether or not someone should hire you, when it will then be decided how much money you’ll make for salary.

From there, these logically follow:

How much do you have in the bank? Credit rating. How many days vacation and where do you go. How many square feet in your house or apartment. What kind of car do you drive? How posh is your neighborhood? Depending on your profession and how many years you’ve been in the field, other tests quickly follow. Tests and more tests rank you on a scale of how good a lawyer, doctor, accountant — or really anything else — you are. And if you’re a blogger, you simple cannot forget Alexa ranking, Linked In connections, Google Page Rank, website stats and RSS subscribers.

Once we know exactly how much you make, where you live and what you drive, it’s far easier to find where you fit socially. Are you married or single? How many sexual partners have you had? Do you have orgasms one at a time or multiple and how big is your penis? How often do you have sex? How often do you date and where do you take your dates. What brands of clothing do you wear? What size clothing?

What is wealth without health?

We measure what we eat by calories and weight which help us maintain our hips, chests and clothing size. And just when you thought your food was safe once inside your body, here comes Rate My Poo to tell you how your shit compares to others. There’s even a Top 10.

There’s eyesight, hearing, height, weight, cholesterol, blood sugar levels and blood pressure. How long does it take to get pregnant? What is your sperm count? How many children do you have? What month did your child learn to sit up, crawl, walk and speak? How many hours in labor? Which then leads right back to where we began with Apgar scores.

Photo by woodleywonderworks

Then, when you find yourself listless and confused from all the prodding, poking, pulling and testing, someone comes along to quantify your happiness and self esteem.

Anyone else ready to have a nervous breakdown?

While these scales do provide us important information, at what point do we stop living our lives by numbers? Numbers that ultimately have the potential to damage our internal self esteem when we find others simply don’t respect us enough because we don’t rate highly enough.

What happens if the playing field changes? Let’s say you’ve done supremely well in high school, aced your college qualifying exams and then suddenly your family moves to another country where those scores mean nothing. Or you’re the perfect size 6 in clothing and somehow find yourself in a place where a larger, plumper body type is preferred?

What does that say about you? What does that say about our system?

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

What would happen were we to suddenly get rid of all these personal and professional measurements? Are some of them necessary to ensure our happiness and well being? Share your thoughts below.

Photo by mikehipp

Returning from Hawaii recently, I suffered a bad case of post-vacation blues. My trip had been EXCITING. Seaplane rides, forest hikes, and culinary discoveries. I had been open to everything in front of me and became accustomed to finding a unique thrill every day.

Back in familiar surroundings again, I fell into old humdrum patterns.

I know I’m not alone.

Why do we enthusiastically seek fresh experiences while traveling, but fall into inertia after arriving home?

One reason may be that we get immediately pulled into a 9 to 5 grind with little energy for something more. Or perhaps we have an internal “pragmatic” switch that makes us focus more on laundry and bills.

Our reluctance may also stem from our habits and inclinations. We’re hardwired to act in certain ways. Travel breaks us out of those patterns and temporarily reshapes our personality. Given the time, expense and effort required to travel, we want to take advantage of that locale. Domestic life, on the contrary, steers us towards default behavior.

It’s also tempting to think our home lives don’t hold the same exciting opportunities. Yet every day we have the opportunity to expose ourselves to something new and stimulating.

Photo by Father.Jack

The Project

After two weeks of post-Hawaii doldrums, I finally had enough and embarked on an experiment: A Month of Living Adventurously. The premise was simple: do something completely new every single day.

During this period, I committed myself to doing things I’ve always meant to do. I sought experiences challenging my natural tendencies. Not every undertaking was a huge lofty goal. The point was to break out of my box in big and small ways.

What did I do this month? Among other things:

1. Rode a mechanical bull
2. Invited my entire apartment building over for a Meet and Greet
3. Entered a cooking contest
4. Tried natto, Japanese fermented soy beans
5. Confronted a rude neighbor
6. Made tamales from scratch
7. Stuck my feet in a bath of fish for a fish pedicure
8. Tested out a hyperbaric oxygen chamber
9. Got in touch with an ex-boyfriend from 15 years ago
10. Tried (and failed) to make my own cheese

The Outcome

My experiment was successful, and pulled me out of my funk by replicating many of the things I most love about travel. I felt a boost of energy from simple trials like thrashing around on a mechanical bull or eating a new food. The feeling was even stronger if the action was intimidating, like confronting my inconsiderate neighbor.

I began to explore my usual surroundings with fresh perspective. Simply wandering an unfamiliar area and sitting in a park made me feel I was somewhere new.

Turns out, fresh encounters have a trickle-down effect. One novel event leads to another, and then to the next. Life takes on an exciting flow.

One day during the month, I ventured to a recently opened café. Uncharacteristically, I chatted with the owner for some time, which led to free tickets to a music show. Attending that show then led to meeting another new person who suggested yet another unique venue.

Trekking around the globe, I’m not shy, forging friendships in youth hostels and on train trips. But in my hometown, I’m reserved. Hence, inviting 20 strangers to a Meet and Greet was a tremendous challenge. Sure, it was a little awkward to find common ground, but there is potential for friendship with a few of my neighbors.

Photo by Tracy Hunter

I also became less fearful of failing. I had high expectations of making a fabulous pizza with homemade cheese and was disappointed with a handful of runny curds. I came nowhere near winning the cooking contest.

And my anxious attempt to befriend a high school boyfriend was met with “meh.” None of these attempts were successes, but I found power simply in the trying.

And while some of these new enterprises I never want to experience again, like eating natto and “rejuvenating” in a pressurized oxygen chamber, I gained a new outlook on my own city as a place for backyard travel.

Best of all, I woke up excited each day about the prospect of a new discovery, which in turn reaffirmed my commitment to exploring life with openness and enthusiasm.

How to Plan Your Own Month of New Things

Feeling stuck in a rut or confined in your surroundings? Try this experiment too.

Create a bucket list. Run a marathon, take cello lessons, go skydiving. Obviously your schedule and finances might limit what you can immediately do, but it’s a start. And finally taking that first step is a new experience, right?

Browse newspapers and local guides for events. You might feel some pressure initially to devise a fresh idea every day, but it’s easier than you think if you keep your eyes peeled and ears open.

Seek inspiration from friends. Adventurous pals are excellent sources of information and ideas.

Budget for different price ranges. New ventures can be pricey, so incorporate budget friendly experiences too. Examples include visiting museums on free days or volunteering for an organization that interests you.

Schedule new experiences on a calendar. This takes a degree of spontaneity out of the experiment, but it helps keep momentum. It also reduces the anxiety of “What in the world is my new thing going to be today?”

Finally, focus on enjoying, not achieving.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

How do you feel like a traveler in your own hometown? What new local adventures have you pursued recently? Share your experiences in the comments below.

Photo by tombothetominator

You can’t escape death, no matter what you do to prevent it. You can wear helmets, avoid dark alleyways, and wrap yourself in bubble wrap. If you chose not to ever leave your home, sit on the couch and dread the outside world, chances are the ceiling would collapse on your head. Or a freak tornado would rip through the house and toss you upside down.

Take the 38 year old father of two killed by a plane while jogging along a beach. I’m sure he didn’t get up in the morning and think, “I better not go for a run today, I might get hit by a plane.”

Or the female driver whose car was rammed by a lorry in England, resulting in her vehicle being pushed sideways along a motorway because the driver didn’t see her. Did she get back into her car the next day, or decide to never drive again?

Photo by kevindooley

I have lots of trouble dealing with death. The thought of not getting everything done in my lifetime is terrifying. The thought of not knowing what happens next is overwhelming. Yet there’s people that risk their lives everyday: firefighters, policemen, soldiers.

Death is a part of our daily lives.

The only way I can figure out how to deal with it is to look at it from a different angle. Like The Darwin Awards, meant to “commemorate those who improve our gene pool…by accidentally removing themselves from it.”

Take this one:

Down here in Florida we have some rabid Marlins fans. A few days before the Marlins game, two supporters decided to show their loyalty by constructing a paper banner. Wanting to display their efforts prominently, they chose the Metro Rail overpass at a point where it crossed a major thoroughfare. The banner would proclaim the superiority, not to mention the high testosterone content, of the city. Unfortunately, their plans were not altogether complete. Neither had the foresight to procure a Metro Rail schedule. As they hung the banner, the Metro thundered toward them. Both were struck by the automated train. One was killed, the other left wounded to tell the tale. The banner was unharmed.

Photo by cyanocorax

When it’s your time to go, it’s your time to go.

No amount of good luck will prevent it. Like the Italian woman who missed the fateful Air France flight from Brazil to France which plunged into the ocean killing all those on board, and then not long after died in a car accident.

Putting your fear and anxieties aside is necessary to live any kind of life. This means working outside your normal, everyday comfort zones and doing things that you often find challenging.

Comfort zones can be deceiving.

These zones are familiar and welcoming, and so they cause us to be less aware and cautious of our surroundings. Perfect example: I have lived in this current neighborhood for a year now. I walk to and from work, the gym, the grocery store and other parts of town at least four times a day. And while some of my neighbors are shady characters, I never imagined the police might find a grenade along the route I take regularly. But they did, just last week. In a town where crime rate is next to nil, there’s something hair-raising about knowing what might have happened.

Explore different ideas.

Take it one day at a time. Search for a different perspective on death, like the Mexicans who celebrate El Día de Todos los Santos (All Saints Day) and El Día de los Muertos (All Souls Day). These festivities come from an ancient indigenous practice centered on the belief that the souls of the dead return each year to party with the living. If the afterlife is just one big party, I’m cool with that.

Community Connection

How has fear kept you from doing the things you love? How did you overcome it?

Lila doesn’t like to get her feet wet. She doesn’t like mud. She was tired. She wanted to be carried.

Too bad, though, we were already an hour along the path and carrying her was not an option in that particular terrain. She stopped and refused to keep walking.

“I can’t do it,” she cried, my little one’s face all scrunched up with the drama as she stood pathetic and weeping on the river bank. “I can’t!”

Yes I can! No I can’ts.

I’m not big on rules — which is another discussion altogether — but we do have one in our house that everyone must follow. No one is ever allowed to say “I can’t.”

This started because Lila likes to use I can’t when she doesn’t want to do something. Or she doesn’t know how. Or she wants help. Or she’s scared. I can’t get the milk from the fridge. I can’t clean my room. I can’t bring my toys in from the porch. I can’t climb over this rock. When I know full well she can.

It’s great to be a kid and have an adult entirely take care of your needs, and I think that’s much of what childhood should be, but such pampering must also have limits. I’m more than happy to help or do things for Lila as long as she asks. This requires her to

1. Be aware of her needs.
2. Be aware of her abilities.
3. Communicate her need for help (without I can’t or whining).

I-can’t circumvents all these important social interaction and self awareness skills. I-can’t implies you are incapable of doing something. It weakens you. It takes away choice and turns you into a victim.

Later in life, who will do for Lila when there’s no parent around? If she doesn’t learn now how to walk into an overwhelming situation and step-by-step conquer it, when will she learn?

I’ll do it later. Not now. One day.

As soon as Lila realized I can’t wouldn’t work, she tried another tactic. I’m tired. Let’s do it later. A completely reasonable request, so we stopped and had the picnic I brought along. Thing is, once the food was gone and she had rested, Lila was no more ready to tackle the mud, water and hills than she had been before we stopped.

How many times have you given yourself that out?

Alex Fayle calls this the Someday Syndrome. On his website of the same name, Alex discusses the different methods we employ to try to trick ourselves into believing that it’s OK to push off what we really want or need to do now for another day.

Your Somedays stay Somedays without a single action taken. Do you want to know why? It’s not what you think. It’s not because you’re a lazy person. It’s not because it’s someone else’s fault. And it’s not because you honestly will get to it later.

Procrastination comes from one of three things:

* Disinterest
* Inertia
* Fear

Those are the only reasons why people say “I’ll get around to it someday” and if you can overcome those three blocks, you’ll never say that again.

Fear. Procrastination. Distraction. Worrying about the outcome, whether or not we can achieve. Will we fail? All these things are road blocks. If you allow any of them to stop you, you will not reach your goals.

So back to Lila crying piteously in the river as water swirls around her little legs, almost knocking her off balance.

It would be so easy to do it for her, to lift her and put her on land. But doing so won’t get us to the end of the hike. We still had about an hour to go and plenty of rocks, water and sandy hills with little traction.

Photo by author

Plus, I know she can do it. I’ve seen her climb steeper hills and navigate more slippery terrain. Add to that, I don’t want to carry her. Nor do I want to stay knee deep in this river for the rest of my life.

When Lila realized she had no choice, that none of her I-cant’s, I’ll-do it-laters or I-don’t-want-tos would change the situation, suddenly she pulled herself together and finished the hike.

Sometimes it really is as simple as that.

Yes, there were times she needed help when crossing a particularly rough and deep patch of water, then I gladly lent a hand. And the next time we went hiking, she didn’t think twice before scrambling up the rocky surface like a happy little monkey.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

Ever suffer from Someday Syndrome? What other road blocks stand in the way of your goals and what do you do to bypass them?

For more tips and life lessons from parents check out this photo essay on busy twitter parents. You can also read how Claire Moss’s travels prepared her for parenthood.

“Why?” you may ask. Because he was worried “the black people” would come. Of course, the fact he lives in an extremely white and rather isolated part of Long Island didn’t seem to ease his fears. In order for those black people to come, they would need to hop in their cars – train wasn’t an option, remember, because of the blackout – and drive all the way over to Long Island in the pitch dark just to steal his stuff.

Really, what are the chances?

The reality of that night?

I’ve never seen people so decent to each other. The neighborhood kids, usually quite hooliganish, carried flashlights to help people to their homes. Grocery stores and bodegas gave away free food, because it would go bad left unrefrigerated anyway. Never before and never again in ten years did I see Cobble Hill as such a community.

Fear jails you. We sat on our stoops chatting. He sat there wide eyed and fearful for one long wakeful night.

Almost seven years later, my family and I still laugh at this guy. We’ve even adopted a phrase — the title of this article — in his honor. It refers to any time someone assumes the worst about another person because of prejudice. It means shortsighted, irrational fear of something unknown.

The Other Side of Irrational

Then there’s Emma. She’s a housekeeper in NYC. I met her in the laundry room of our building where we’d exchange pleasant smiles and hello. We couldn’t speak because she doesn’t know English, and at the time, I didn’t speak Spanish.

Skip forward five years. Emma started babysitting for Lila, and I learned a little more about her.

Emma is Bolivian.
She used to be a nun.
She worked in an orphanage.
She left because as a nun she wasn’t able to adopt the children.
She adopted two.

Emma is one of the most wonderful, honest decent people I have met in my life. She works hard, and nothing is too difficult, too complicated or too much for her. I trust her with my daughter, which is the highest praise I can give anyone.

When I think of what a Bolivian is like, I think of Emma.

-Photo by antisocialtory

Of course, living here in Argentina on the edge of Bolivia, people have a slightly different story.

When I visit public offices here in Argentina – immigration for renewing our visa or registro civil for residency here – I’m treated differently than many of the people waiting — almost all Bolivians — in the office. We are warned to watch out because, you know, all those stories of Bolivians kidnapping young children at the mall for ransom. We’re told we need shots for Hepatitis A and other diseases because, well, they come from Bolivia. Bolivians don’t work hard. They steal.

Sitting on the front porch making saints.

The reality is my view of Bolivians is as much a stereotype as the other. It may be easier to stomach, because I ascribe positive attributes, but it is still a stereotype based on one wonderful woman. I doubt there are many like her in the world, let alone an entire country of Emmas. It’s the flip side of sitting on your porch. I call it saint making. Same thing as a bad movie where out of nowhere, the wise man or woman – usually Native American, Voodoo priestess, African shaman – appears with inchoate words of advice that lead the main character from darkness to light.

Both blind us badly.

Two recent articles on Matador raise similar issues.

The first, Fear Among Men:Notes On Traveling With A Girlfriend, frustrated and angered people in its portrayal of women as helpless travelers in need of care. On the other side, many found a main character, called The Israeli, objectionable.

A second article, Barakku: Black Culture in Japan, explores one man’s questions about race, culture and whether or not he’s comfortable being accepted by virtue of the color of his skin.

What can we understand about our own prejudice?

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

Is it our duty to eradicate stereotypes, see the world more evenhandedly or can prejudice sometimes serve a useful purpose?

So much time has passed since Everybody’s Free (To Wear Sunscreen) became a hit, but its message is timeless. Consider everything you’ve been through in the past decade: heartbreaks, loss of loved ones, friendships ending, financial troubles. But there are some overall points of life that remain a constant throughout our journeys.

Live freely. Celebrate Valentine’s Day if that’s what you do. Or don’t. Take a deep breath. Stand on your head. Enjoy!

I consider Audrey Scott and Daniel Noll to be friends even though we’ve never met face-to-face. I know them through their blog Uncornered Market — a favorite of mine — and through Twitter . Social media friends, I suppose you can call us.

Their most recent article, The Joy Of Living Deliberately, posits seven separate questions to ask yourself in order to help decide if the life you’re living is one you live because you’ve just somehow accidentally fallen into the patterns and choices that run your life or if you’re living consciously and deliberately by design.

This post provoked much thought for me; these are only some of my responses.

Question One: What are your priorities?

Priority is defined not just by what you want, but by what you avoid as well. Problem is, our emotions tend to blind us to what we want. Fear, sadness, worry, anger, even the so-called positive emotions of love and fidelity distract us toward the path of least résistance.

Oh, it may not feel like the easy way, but generally, when we choose to stay with that which leaves us unhappy, it is because we are more comfortable with discomfort than the idea of change.

How do you become more conscious of what might be standing in the way?

Sorry, I don’t really have a definitive answer for you. I do, however, have a couple thoughts.

First, discomfort is a good indicator of something. Think of it this way. You have a pair of shoes. You love the look. You used to love the feel, but suddenly they’re wearing thin at the sole and are rubbing in back. You’re getting blisters. You may not like it, but it’s time to move on from those shoes.

Another wonderful article by Kelly Diels titled Relationships. Hold On (Maybe) lists a number of ways to know when it’s time to move on. While she specifically discusses relationships, her guidelines apply well in other areas as well.

The truth is a beast. Ugly. Big teeth. Relentless. Patient (sometimes). Hungry. It will be fed. Sometime.

If you know, you know.

And all the reasons in the world that are stalling your exit – kids, family, property, social expectations – are just that: stalls. The biggest stall is the dream. The myth. The internal myth making and myth busting….is more dangerous and damaging than anything inflicted on you from the outside.

Myth breaking:
• fairy tales and happily ever after, always
• The One [way of doing things]

Myth making:
• I can’t commit to anything
• I quit again
• I failed again
• This is all my fault
• I should be stronger.
• I should just buck up and grit my teeth and get through it
• I will never find another
• I will die alone with cats because that’s what the unlovable do.
• I will never have children
• [I will never reach my goals if I don’t continue]

All those “again”s. They indicate personal narratives and toxic loops you’re knitting yourself into.

Sometimes we enslave ourselves to our stories. So tell yourself a new story. Tell yourself the truth. Start with this:

If you know, you know. If you don’t know, wait until you get to the knowing. More heavy lifting, hard works, stillness and listening.

Question Two: Do you recognize that you have choices? Always?

Photo by jurvetson

Ok, Audrey and Dan. In this one point, I disagree, at least partially. I get that the point of this is to say that even when it seems we have no choice, we still have control over ourselves and can make choices within the situation, but something about that doesn’t feel quite right.

There are those in this world that have been egregiously, unfairly robbed of choice. Disaster. Disease. Mental illness. Totalitarian regimes. Lack of resources.

Unfair, though, is a child’s word and has little reflection in real hard life. Try telling an earthquake that your loss isn’t fair. Thus, the loss of choice robs you of your childhood – that is innocence, love, hope — leaving pain and despair in its place.

Yes, there are those individuals who overcome, but I certainly cannot fault anyone who does not. I’m not sure what I would do in such situations.

I am, however, able to look at my own life and be fully conscious of the fact that I am one of the luxuriously lucky on this planet who can still look at the world without that potentially soul-crushing sense of loss. That is a great blessing.

Question Three: Do you regret?

What are your regrets? Mine tend to be of the things I did not do. I wish I got a teaching certificate in NYC instead of being put off by Board of Education bureaucracy. I should have gone to cooking school instead of continuing in my job at MTV. Things like that.

Regrettable things I’ve done? I have my share of unfortunate choices, but aside from a horrible haircut I got in college that I call the Duckbutt Cut, really, none stand out as regret.

Something broken may not ever fully return to normal, but it can almost always be makeshift fixed to some degree. Something that never existed? There’s not much you can do about that.

Question Four: What’s better? Talking or doing?

I will agree with them and say definitely doing.

For Audrey and Dan, that meant taking big steps such as quitting their jobs, selling everything and leaving to travel. The same doing does not apply to all.

My best friend’s mother’s name is Linda. She’s from Connecticut. She married and moved a few hours north to New Hampshire where she’s lived ever since. Linda raised three amazing children, encouraged each to be self sufficient while still following individual desire and direction. She works in social services teaching families how to better care for themselves. She has worked steadily in this area for decades, and because of her, countless people have been fed, received adequate health and dental care, prenatal care and countless other useful information to improve their lives.

Linda gets up every morning, early. She brews a pot of coffee, reads the news and is always open for a chat, to give advice or to babysit for a mom who badly needs a break (Thank you!).

Question Five: Do you realize your choices have consequences?

Yes, you will make mistakes. You will hurt people. You will hurt yourself at times, and that may well lead to regret. Ultimately, you can only do the best you can do at any given time with the information you have at that moment.

Can you with a clear mind and heart say that to be true? When you make a mistake, will you take responsibility for your error and move on?
If you can say an honest “Yes, most of the time,” then you have done supremely well.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

So now, tell me, are you choosing your life? Or is your life choosing you?

Photo by .ygor

Turns out the switch between traveler and expat hit me much harder than I could have expected. Now we have a lease on a house, Lila’s in school, and we have work. We are committed. In some ways, that’s really lovely, something I found myself dearly craving after so long without a place to call home.

Of course, I’ve been so busy trying to settle in, work, get the house cleaned and liveable, find my way around, meet people, and locate doctors for the family. I’m pulled in so many directions I don’t even know where to go first.

Photo by tourist_on_earth

Then there’s my new job at Matador. It’s quite an amazing experience. I’m meeting creative, interesting people, honing my writing skills. I’m learning loads about search engine optimization, writing articles that bring big hits and producing (hopefully) quality pieces in short time. Matador has opened up my writing and teaching career in new wonderful ways. It’s also my first so-called real job since before Lila was born.

Thus my life feels like triage. I run from one line of my to-do list to the next, never quite paying complete attention to anything and never finding time to properly rest. Ironic, I think, given that what I write for Matador is all about finding balance and thriving when you’re not on vacation. On the job training, I suppose.

So Why Is This and What Can We Do?

As I’ve struggled with all this, I’ve come up with four different reasons why life balance — too often happiness as well — eludes us.

We’re searching for something missing in our lives.

This is how I felt when living in NYC. Not at first, mind you. The city challenged me, but after ten years there, I no longer enjoyed the choices I’d made for my life. I felt stuck, angry, uncomfortable. I just wanted to be free.

We spent the last three years searching and have since found ourselves in a wonderful new city, where the people are perhaps the kindest, most helpful and most decent I have ever met. My work is going well. Lila is happy with school and friends. Noah and I have new projects on the horizon, and all seems well.

I have everything I could want, so why so unhappy little bear?

We’re adjusting to something new.

I recently saw Facebook status update from Paulo Coelho saying: Change is part of life. Friction is part of change. Get used to it.

Yes, change is a part of life, and often the good, happy sort takes as much adjustment as the really hard painful kind. Perhaps the key is to simply, as Coelho suggests, accept it. Let it just exist and eventually, friction wears down to comfort again.

We Need Something New

So it stands to reason, that if change is a normal healthy part of life, if you’re not changing, you’re stagnating and thus will feel friction from that as well. Sort of can’t win on the happiness train, can you? Then again, it’s not really so much about winning as it is realizing that life is a cycle of constant movement.

Photo by chrispearson

This is different from my first point in that you can have everything you want in your life, nothing is missing, but you are searching for change. Many times, you simply need to shake things up before going back to your life as it was.

We Always Want More, More, More

You’re thinking of the future and past, what you used to have, what you hope to have. You look at your life, house, career, spouse and friends seeing what isn’t there, what could be, what used to be. Worst of all, when you turn this eye on yourself, the criticism will be the most harsh.

While happiness isn’t something we can expect to have every moment of every day of our lives, at times sadness is necessary, this sort of thinking will leave us permanently dissatisfied. Unless you break away from this cycle, you’ll never find those crucial moments of rest and happiness.

So Where Do I Go From Here?

I sit here at home typing with a gentle breeze blowing through the kitchen, birds of all ilk chirping and still I wonder to why I can’t shake this feeling. I don’t feel myself anymore.

Then I realize, perhaps it is not that I am somehow not myself. Instead, there is a part of me that will always remain off balance until I make the clear choice to shift my thinking.

“How?” you may wonder. Well, first step is recognizing why you feel the way you do. Then you can start making a change.

Community Connection

How do you practice finding balance and happiness? Discover some new tips for adjusting to life in a new home, or learn how some parents keep afloat in a busy world.

I recently wrote an article for my blog asking why it’s so difficult to find balance and happiness in life. That post was born out of my own frustrations trying to juggle all the disparate elements of my own existence. Too often, I feel like I’m running to catch up, and too rarely am I able to relax and reflect.

“How do others manage?” I wondered, and thus, the inspiration for this photo essay was born. I immediately began contacting other families and parents I know through Twitter. Some are traveling full time. Others are well respected writers. Others are business entrepreneurs, chefs and teachers.

I’ll admit, I half expected to hear pithy, cliche aphorisms about how you too can manage your life if only you follow these clear simple instructions. What I found instead was true, solid insight and advice that brings perspective and perhaps the acceptance we need to find order in our chaotic schedules. Not just for parents, but for anyone seeking harmony between the many parts of our lives.

1. The Vogels — @familyonbikes — can be seen stopping on the Panamerican Highway in southern Colombia. Nancy and John gave up their jobs teaching to travel the length of the Americas by bike while homeschooling their two boys. You can read more about their travels at their website Family On Bikes.

THEIR TIP FOR BALANCE: When you live a simplified life on the road, balance comes naturally. We wake up. We pack the bikes. We ride. We eat. We sleep.

2. Christopher Elliott — @elliottdotorg — is National Geographic Traveler magazine’s reader advocate and writes the syndicated column The Travel Troubleshooter.

HIS THOUGHTS ON BALANCE: Balance? What’s that? In an always-on world with its 24/7 news cycle, I’ll settle for staying afloat.

But if you want to try to find balance — not saying you will, but you can try — you have to block off the time and announce your plans to the entire family: “We’re going to SeaWorld on Saturday! We’ll ride one of those pink Flamingo boats out on the lake!”

Then, if something comes up and you try to back out, they’ll put you on a guilt trip that makes the terrifying Kraken rollercoaster on the far side of the park seem like Disneyworld’s It’s A Small World.

Word to the wise: Don’t disappoint a two-year-old. Or her brothers. Ah, balance.

3. Paul Sullivan — @paulosullivano — is a writer, author and photographer specializing in music, culture and travel. He lives in Berlin with his girlfriend and 20-month-old son. You can read more about Paul on his website. He is also a contributing editor and Matador Network’s editor-at-large.

PAUL’S TIP FOR BALANCE: Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

4. Julie Schwietert — @collazoprojects — blogs about parenthood at www.9mos.wordpress.com and about the writing life at www.cuadernoinedito.wordpress.com. She’s a new mom and the managing editor of Matador. Here she is at the airport. Mom, kid, dog and luggage. What more do you need?

JULIE’S THOUGHTS ON BALANCE: Balance? Muah huah huah!

No, seriously. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to feel like I’ve achieved balance (there’s too much I want to do to fit into one life), so I try hard not to pursue balance as a goal.

I do that by not setting rigid rules for myself or my family. For example, I just read about someone who has a rule about turning off the computer at 8 PM. That’s nice, and I’m glad it works for them, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it works for me (especially because I work with people in different time zones) or that I have to adopt that as a rule in my own life. I also quit trying to impose impossible expectations upon myself. I just do the best I can.

Oh, and one more thing: I have an extraordinary husband who handles all the dirty details of life: eating, cleaning, laundry, and the like. That’s the real secret!

5. Jenna Park — @whimsyandspice — has been working as an art director and designer for over 13 years. She and her husband Mark run a Brooklyn confectionary called Whimsy & Spice that was founded in 2008. You can catch them daily on their blog, sweet fine day, which chronicles culinary, family and New York City life.

Read on to the next photo for Jenna and Mark’s ideas on how to maintain balance in family life.

6. Mark Sopchak — the other half of Whimsy & Spice –has been working as a pastry chef in the NYC restaurant industry for over 12 years.

HOW JENNA AND MARK KEEP THEIR BALANCE: How do we find balance between our working life and family life?

After nearly 6 years as working parents, first with a freelance business and jobs, and now with our own confectionary business added to the mix, we are still trying to figure it out. 1 kid became 2, and with each age comes its own challenges and needs. You feel like you figured out how to handle the 2s, but then they turn 3 and turn your world upside down, and so on.

I think the key for us has always been to just go with the flow and take each day’s challenges one by one. As business owners, there are no boundaries between home and work life – one often flows into the other at all hours of the day, so we’ve stopped fighting it and let our lives become what it is.

Some days have better balance than others, but we always make time to drop and pick up the kids from school, eat dinner together as a family and spend some quality time with the kids a good few hours each day.

7. Lea Woodward — @leawoodward — lives a location independent life and founded the Location Independent Network to help others manage successful careers while traveling. This photo shows her working hard on her balcony in Dubai. She just left Dubai to spend a few months in Thailand.

All the while, Lea continues running her online businesses with her husband Jonathan. She has just launched a new site with parents specifically in mind, www.LocationIndependentParents.com.

8. Even with her busy travel and work schedule, Lea makes time to play with her daughter.

LEA’S TIP FOR FINDING BALANCE: Finding balance is an interesting one.I’ve found recently that it just requires making the decision to balance whatever is out of balance and then doing it…and then seeing what the consequences are and living with them. Not always easy but sometimes necessary.

9. Debbie Dubrow — @deliciousbaby — created and runs Delicious Baby, a website dedicated to making travel with kids fun. If that wasn’t enough, Debbie is also one of those responsible for Passports With Purpose, a raffle fund-raiser currently working toward building a school in Cambodia, complete with clean water, vegetable garden and a school nurse.

In this photo, she enjoys family time with her kids at a Seattle Storm game..

DEBBIE’S ADVICE FOR CREATING BALANCE: I don’t know any parent who has an easy time balancing the different areas of their life. Instead I try to focus on making sure that I spend the bulk of my time doing things that I either truly enjoy or that contribute to my goals.

When one area starts to take over too much, I sit down with my schedule and figure out how to rearrange things and where to cut back.

10. Jamie Pearson — @travelsavvymom — was in Belgium in a hotel dining room when her then 3-year-old daughter threw up. In the mortifying moments that followed, she caught the vomit in her cupped hand, called to the waiter for help, and was (eventually) handed a single paper napkin.

Most parents can relate to such a situation, and if they can’t, they will eventually. Thus the idea for her website Travel Savvy Mom hatched, and she went about creating a website where parents can find kid-and-family friendly hotels worldwide.

JAMIE’S WORDS OF ADVICE: When I was growing up my mother often told me that I could be anything and everything I wanted, just not all at the same time. This is the best advice I ever got.

In addition, she has three points for all traveling parents: 1) Never leave home without peanut butter, 2) No child is too big for a stroller, and 3) Bring plenty of new toys—$50 for three pounds of plastic crap will seem like the deal of the century at 3am in a London hotel.

11. Allison Nazarian — @AllisonNazarian — is a well-known writer, author (OneMinuteCopywriter.com) and consultant who lives in Boca Raton, Florida, with her son, daughter and Black Lab. Read Allison’s truth at www.AllisonNazarian.com.

WHAT ALLISON SAYS ABOUT FINDING BALANCE: I first became a Mom 12 years ago this month. I was and still am what you might call a Control-Freak-Type-A-OverAchiever (I’m in Recovery). I thrive on order and organization and things that are smooth and predictable and controllable. So when my first child was born, you can only imagine my utter inability to make heads or tails of my life. I was overwhelmed and definitely not in control. I was a mess!

I went on to spend years judging myself and my mothering abilities. I was never good enough. Or I worked too much. Or I was not involved in school enough. Or I should have made more nutritious dinners and snacks. Or I should have spent more/less time helping with homework. Or I made a mistake in “forcing” one or the other to do a project themselves instead of taking the easier route and doing it for them (happens all the time … Parents, you know who you are!).

Until, finally, somehow, I realized I was already good enough. I just stopped the constant attack. I was already everything they needed. Even though I make mistakes or curse in front of them or get fast food more than I should or tell them they are on their own with the math homework, I am a great Mom. Just this year, I became a single Mom. My kids’ Dad and I are great friends and great parents together. Being married does not a great parent make, and I resisted my natural urge all year long to feel any guilt or beat myself up over the divorce. We are still a family and always will be. And in the end, the constant quest for balance is more the same than different.

So I am human and messy and imperfect. And I bet you are, too. Yet I am an awesome Mom. And I bet you are, too.

12. Leigh Shulman (that’s me!) – @thefutureisred — spent the last three years traveling with my husband and daughter. In this photo, we went horseback riding in Cafayate, Argentina. It was a five hour ride, and Lila chatted happily away the entire time. You can read more about our travels on my blog The Future Is Red.

MY TIP FOR ACHIEVING BALANCE: I’ve come to the realization that no matter what, there will always be something more, something else, something different. Worry doesn’t help. It only makes you less likely to enjoy the moment.

Aside from that, the best advice I ever got about parenting also relates well to finding balance and in many ways ties in many of the ideas and thoughts of these other parents. Try something. If it doesn’t work, try something else.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

Photo above by Sarah Menkedick.

I am always fourth place in Oaxacan races. There are three badass runner women who always beat me by a solid minute or two. I am, mind you, a highly competitive person. I’m used to winning in the U.S, and then to come down here where I never see another female running and suddenly get burnt by three badass female athletes on race day, well, it’s humbling. (It’s also, once I get past the humility smackdown, gratifying to see them come in the top ten, way before most of the sweaty short-shorted macho men.)

I’ve gotten used to fourth place, developed an ambiguous relationship of dread and acceptance with it. On Sunday, on a downhill on the 9th kilometer of a 10k, in that barely conscious psychological battle of being almost-there-so-close, I suddenly got to thinking about fourth place. I’d passed a couple of guys, the transit men were cheering me on (the only spectators in Oaxacan races are the transit dudes apathetically holding back pissed-off traffic) and I was doing pretty well, by my personal standards. It occurred to me, in this flash of time in which my legs were soaring on a runner’s high and my lungs were squeezing and burning, that there is a great and bizarre irony to the way a writer’s mind works. After a day or two of blank inspiration-less struggle there I was, soaring down Calzada de Niños Heroes at 8 o’clock in the morning on Sunday with my whole body and mind focused on flying foot after foot on the pavement, and I was thinking about the meaning of fourth place and how I should really write about that.

Photo by vincepal

Then I came in fourth and I was panting and tired and drank water out of a plastic bag and meandered around in circles for a bit and we went to eat chilaquiles. Only later did the memory come drifting up, and I decided to write fourth place a letter.

Dear Fourth Place,

You are that feeling of hovering, of vague ghostliness, the non-existence of speechwriters and forgettable presidents and the candidates lingering at the end of the waiting list, the sad (borderline tragic) almost-ness of faint posthumous fame. You are the feeling of outside-looking-in, of anonymity, of what the Mexicans call equis – yes, it refers to the letter X, but not in the mystery way English speakers think of it but rather in reference to total non-descriptiveness, something so average it simply merits an X. That’s you, fourth place.

You are the futile psychological battle. The metallic burning feeling in my chest, the swift steady flying downhill without feeling my legs, passing man after man, remembering crossing Corsica in eleven days and feeling like I might die on the last mile of the last day remembering the heat and misery of the last six miles of the Madison marathon remembering the trail race that went straight up the side of the mountain and the moments within all these experiences and afterwards thinking this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and then confidently telling myself this is not the hardest thing you’ve ever done and laughing it off through the burn and surging ahead, sprinting when that cocky wispy little fifteen-year old tries to catch me, soaring through a 10k in 35 minutes in a personal record…but fourth place, you suck up all that energy and turn it into a sigh. You turn it into resignation under the bright sun, chilaquiles, and letscallitaday.

Photo by John-Morgan

You’re not bad, fourth place, I don’t hate you, you’re respectable in context, but you contain the existential depression of the reaching and reaching and reaching that culminates in the noble, tragic shrug of forgotten effort.

You are my number one fear, fourth place, because you’ve got all the wanting and pushing and surging and believing but none, fourth place, of the glory. What’s glory, the cheerful winners will announce, what’s glory, the earnest optimists will announce, damn you’re so competitive, my psychologically balanced friends will say, but I say, glory or 57th place, people. All or nothing. Absolutes. “You’re an absolutist, a classic American,” my friend said in Japan, and maybe I didn’t entirely believe her until fourth place.

You, fourth place, you are a type of quietness and inwardness, an unwitting acceptance of undesirable realities, a total isolation in the world. You are not the mass and you are not the populist leader, either. You’re the almost and the so-close, you’re the place where good effort means so little to everyone else and so much to oneself, but ultimately, doesn’t count. You are human beings plunked kindly down in front of their inherent irrelevance, fourth place, you are the universe gently mocking us and our sweating fervent seriousness and at the same time, telling us, you can’t stop, can you, nice try, and good job and keepitup, the universe letting us taste that bittersweet honey that’s half-meaning and half-meaninglessness. You, fourth place, are almost enough, but not quite.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

Feel like mastering an ancient craft? Learn how to write a letter.