When I got home from work today, my husband Justin told me he would be away all the following week at a training course in New Mexico. That means next week I will be home alone. Again.

Justin is in the Navy, so he goes on a lot of this sort of business trip. He was away for almost 8 months in 2009. This year, while he probably won’t deploy, I’m sure I’ll find myself on my own a lot and stuck in the house by myself.

Before I met him, I could never have imagined that I would want to stay in one place for any amount of time. Justin and I both felt the same way. Our first few dates, we tacitly impressed each other by talking about all the wild things we wanted to do one day, and our shared wanderlust made it easy for us to pack his car two summers ago and move out West.

We lived in San Diego for almost a year before he deployed, and all of a sudden, I found myself located an entire country away from family and friends and an entire world away from the man I loved.

Until then, I thought not having a home was more important than having one, but when I found myself fending for myself, forging a life without my partner, suddenly developing a solid home base became a priority. I manned the fort and turned the apartment – one that had only been ours a short time — into a home.

In my spare time, –and I had a lot of it — I began to create the perfect space for us. I placed Justin’s Bahraini rug, the one a friend brought back for him a few years ago, in the living room. It takes up half the room, but it’s neat. I like it. I collected candles and tried really hard not to let his cactus die. I moved furniture around. I bought decorative knobs for our dresser, and when the Anthropologie catalog arrives in the mail, I flip directly to the home décor section.

What exactly was I doing here? And who was this person I had become? I thought we were a couple who lived for adventure and defined ourselves by the desire to be free, not to be tied down. The summer Justin was deployed, though, that old definition of myself no longer mattered. Being with Justin is being at home. I couldn’t be with Justin, but turning our shared home into a place that reminded me of him and gave me the stability I was missing.

Many in my situation moved back home, but that wasn’t for me. It was a good experience to spend seven months in a totally new environment. I learned to be independent. Justin and I improved our communication skills while juggling time zones and work schedules which in turn strengthened our relationship.

When he leaves the Navy, things will return to normal. There won’t be jobs or mortgages holding us back. No threat of court martial looms should we choose to pick up and move wherever, whenever.

That future time in my life feels so open, and we spend many lovely hours talking about the possibilities.

“Should we do the Peace Corps?”

“Yes! Should I go to grad school in Manhattan?”

“Of course! Should I try to calculate how long we could live on our savings in an apartment in Mexico City or Paris?”

“Sure, I’ll help. Have you thought about the Appalachian Trail?”

The future holds everything and anything, but right now that’s not what I want.

Right now, I love every day that I come home from work, and he is waiting for me on the couch, legs propped on our coffee table, thumbing through the pages of another book on his reading list. I relish my to-do lists of household chores or schedules or anything that smacks of normalcy. I want to sleep in on Saturdays and play trivia at the bar down the street on Tuesdays. Right now, world travel can wait, because I like being home.

But when I know we’ll no longer be separated for months at a time, when we do take off and go, I’ll have no trouble leaving the candles and catalogues behind.

Photo by author

Singletons. If you fancy eating out this Sunday, don’t bother. Restaurants everywhere will be dispensing with their normal menus and serving overpriced, five-course dinners to twosomes, many of whom will be joined at hip and lip. Yes, Valentine’s Day approaches, and with it the grim stench of solitude for all us unattached people. No wonder they call it VD.

But what if we stopped believing the endless hype churned out by ad agencies and dating websites? What if we consider that being by ourselves can actually be enjoyable?

Beyond the Marketing Campaign

One-person homes are now more common than ever, comprising 27% of US households and 29% of UK households. Still, the media message blares forth: Happiness comes not only from having a long-term partner, but also by continually surrounding yourself with a fabulous array of friends. Sites like Facebook and Twitter make it virtually impossible to entirely escape other humans.

With these thoughts in mind, I join 21 others for the simply titled How To Be Alone workshop at London’s School of Life. The School of Life includes a new bookshop and social enterprise with the aim of teaching attendees “all the things you never learned at school” through lectures, discussions, meals and trips, all of which delve voraciously into philosophy, art and psychology.

Photo by Jurijus Azanovas

No One Wants To Be Stuck Alone With A Boiled Egg

Leading the session is Naomi Alderman, award-winning novelist and a convert to single living after years of feeling terrified of being alone. Once she left her door always unlocked so she could always come home to friends (or burglars). Now she appreciates the delights of solitude espoused by such luminary loners as the 19th century writer Thoreau, who spent two years by himself in a Massachusetts forest, discovering he has “never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude”.

In medieval Britain, almost every village had either a hermit — usually male and living out in the sticks — or a recluse, generally female and stationed at the edge of a neighborhood. Quiet and content in their stillness, these lone dwellers were considered deeply wise and often divine.

But, explains Naomi, this changed in the 1500s with the closing of the monasteries and the rise of Protestantism. Seen as a relic of Catholicism, hermits were now eyed with suspicion and linked to dark forces. To a degree, this stigma still continues today, with solitary individuals frequently viewed as weirdos, even serial killers in the making.

Thankfully, no one at the workshop appears notably murderous, and when Naomi asks us to form small groups for discussion, it seems we solo types have a lot to say. One woman imagines that everyone else in London is having a ball while she is “stuck at home with a boiled egg.” Another confesses to frequently telling her friends she is busy, when in fact she just wants an evening to herself doing nothing.

Being Alone Vs Being Lonely

Everyone agrees that being alone and being lonely are entirely different things. One is forced upon us. The other is a choice. If you spend Saturday night alone watching a DVD because that’s what you want. Great! If it’s because you’ve had no other offers. Not so great.

Photo by Only Sequel

Naomi encourages us to contemplate the potential benefits of solitude: creativity, inner peace and an increased affinity with nature. She then suggests activities for improving our ability to be alone, including meditation, gardening, and visiting a restaurant by ourselves. There are several protests over this last one. Apparently a table for one still serves as the icon for alone-without-choice.

Naomi also emphasizes the importance of making new friends and proposes numerous ways of doing so in order to spend at least some of our time with others:

“Knowing that you can do solitude and socializing makes each one better.”

Indeed, as with so much of life, the answer lies in balance. There’ will be times when aloneness, as Californian author Anneli Rufus puts it, provides “just what we need, the way tuna need the sea”, and isolation can be truly splendid. There will also be those times we need the comfort and stimulation of other human beings around us.

As we shuffle out the School of Life’s cosy lecture room, a number of us decide to move onto the pub, but we won’t forget what we learned tonight. We are independent spirits. This weekend, we won’t give a monkey’s what those couples are doing as we head to our favorite restaurant with a single-seat table to people watch or read a book or simply enjoy the meal as we dine alone
.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

Embrace the solo spirit with Michaela Lola’s Solo Travel: 6 Reasons to Wander Alone

Photo by Lisa_at_home2002

I’ve had my share of screaming family arguments. They leave me feeling hurt, angry, horribly unbalanced and almost never lead to anything positive. There’s been quite a bit of trial and error, but these are the things that help me remain calm and collected during sometimes difficult family time.

If you know who someone is, then you know what to expect from them.

It could be a constant stream of questions. Or maybe it’s the look your mom gets on her face when she sees your new haircut. Or how your brother starts every freakin’ sentence with “You really should…” Or any of the other fun family stereotypes that drive us batty.

You feel put on the spot, completely misunderstood and unheard because, quite frankly, you don’t ever intend on marrying some nice boy or “settling down” in the way they think you should.

Don’t let it hook you. Yes, easier said than done, but when you know a question is coming, why allow it to make you angry? Prepare for it instead. Have a joke ready in response. Stuff a roll in your mouth. Or just smile hugely, lean in and give your inquisitor an enormous hug.

The trick is in knowing you have no obligation to respond unless you really want. If you do choose to respond, here are some tips to avoid saying something you’ll ultimately regret..

Photo by Computerjoe

Don’t drink or do drugs if you know they have a negative impact on your emotions and behavior.

Pretty simple, actually. If your inhibitions will be lowered, leaving you more likely to get into an argument, don’t imbibe. You can always meet up with your favorite cousin later and discuss over a drink how grandma detailed every moment of her last bowel movement while serving the roasted potatoes with brown sauce. Yum!

Don’t expect more from people than is fair to expect.

Relationships go in phases, and you will not get along with everyone all the time. Some family members are simply different than you. You don’t see the world in the same way, and thus, you don’t get why your aunt prefers to live in an elaborate apartment in New York City while she may never understand your desire to travel through the Mekong Delta with only a backpack and shoes.

Accept it with grace and ease and talk about the things you have in common. I find children seem to be a binding point for many. They can distract you with their games, and two adults who disagree on everything can usually find something they both love about the smallest members of the family.

Make time to take care of yourself.

Do you need occasional time alone? Would you prefer your deeply offensive uncle stay far away? Are you vegetarian? Make a list of the things you most need in order to feel sane and comfortable.

Photo by Lefthand

Of course, there’s a fine line between addressing your needs and being flat out needy, so perhaps choose your top three and work toward making them a reality.

At first, family may be offended, but over time, I promise they’ll get used to it if they’re rational and see that you’re making an effort to be part of the group in other ways. If they’re not rational, there’s no point in rearranging your life and behavior to accommodate someone who will likely never be pleased.

Pick your battles very wisely

Sometimes we want things our own way because we’re feeling pressured, disrespected or unheard. While these may all be good reasons to stand up for yourself, you have to decide whether the family Christmas dinner or New Year’s party is the best time to address them.

Fight only for what you need to take care of yourself, not for what you think should be or what you believe is fair. Fair tends to lose meaning, anyway, when faced with so many personalities, desires and personal philosophies.

If you do fight, do so with humor and sensitivity.

Don’t approach anyone in the throes of anger. Instead, take some time to compose yourself, focus on which issues are most important to you, then address those things directly. State them as a reflection of your feelings and experience, not as an accusation.

Example: It makes me uncomfortable when you make racist comments in front of my African girlfriend.

If your family member makes excuses, don’t get sucked into an attempt to justify yourself. Just repeat, I hear what you’re saying, but it makes me uncomfortable when you make racist comments in front of my girlfriend.

It isn’t easy to remain calm and friendly while restating the same thing like a broken record, but you’ll be surprised at how well this works.

Don’t discuss past details, either.

Details tend to lead to more details and pointless discussion. Next thing you know, you’re screaming about five years ago when Uncle Phil trotted out his travel tidbit of how Brazil is beautiful, if only there weren’t so many brown people it. Yes, Uncle Phil is a schmuck, but it’s not going to address your situation sitting at the dinner table in the here and now.

Walk away if you feel you’re not getting the response you want or feel yourself getting angry.

Everyone Loses It Sometimes

It’s not an inexcusable character flaw to make a mistake. Calm down. Try again or don’t. Take time alone. Or choose another way to disconnect from the drama.

Photo by Symic

Remember, losing your temper is not the end of the world, no matter what anyone else says about it, and no one is exempt from slipping up.

All in all, it’s important to see each visit as its own entity. No matter how much history, practice or experience you have with a person, what happens during one visit exists as a distinct event from anything else that has ever happened in your life and times with your family member. Each family event is just one opportunity to add a bead to the string of positive experiences.

Then, you go back to your own life.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION:

How do you cope with family stress over the holidays? Share your insights and experience in the comments.

Feature photo by Breathindigital. Above photo by Tambako

According to statistics provided by the dating website Beautiful People – where you must be rated by other members and found attractive enough to join – the British are uglier than pretty much anyone else on the planet.

Yes, the Polish, Russians and Germans seem to give the British a run for their money, but British topped the pops as not only being dipped in a bath of fug, they are truly beyond repulsive. A whopping 85% percent of British women and 90% of British men were rejected by members of the opposite sex for inclusion in the dating pool.

Even the British seem to agree.

Says RickyBee in a comment to a similar story on TVNZ:

We’re mostly heinous. It’s a combination of things: our miserable faces, horrific school food, the weather, an addiction to out of town shopping malls, scraped up dog-burgers, chips, litres of coke, complaining, a big streak of nastiness and stupid hair”

Or as Matador’s resident Brit Paul Sullivan says, “I am a dirty minger.”

Leave it to the British to come up with a word for ugly that comes from the Gaelic word for septic vagina.

Binge Drinking A Recurring Problem

Looking more deeply into the problem, it may also have to do with the massive binge drinking the British have so desperately tried to eradicate in recent years by closing pubs early or banning loud music

Not simply because of the toll consistent binge drinking takes on the body or the many nights spent face down in a ditch, but because Britain is a country with a permanent case of beer goggles. There’s no real need for Britons to spruce up their appearance in order to, as we Americans like to say, get some.

How Can You Be One of Them?

To see what the British are up against, I took a quick mosey off to Beautiful People and browsed through photo after photo of the most beautiful people in the world in order to devise a few tips to help you gain acceptance into this elite club.

For Men: All photos should be shirtless with rippling chest shaved and well greased. Always pose with the ever attractive “thumbs up” sign.

For women: Your breasts or hair – whichever feature is better — should be the main focus of your photo. Make sure to pout for the camera.

Both sexes can be greatly helped by wearing sunglasses or making sure photos are slightly blurry and taken only from the neck up.

Oh yes, and one final tip? Don’t be British.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

The definition of beauty changes greatly from person to person. It can be mind over matter. Or beauty can be best when at its most pure and natural. Other times, our attempts to make ourselves more beautiful backfire, and we find the opposite of what we want.

What does beauty mean to you?

Wedding photos by Philip Chang

I could write about how not to spend money on a wedding — getting married at City Hall or eloping to some far flung place. But this is for those who want to have a more “traditional wedding” without having to take out a second mortgage on their home.

Below are some tips on where and how you can save some cash in planning your wedding, and still make it the beautiful and classy one you always wanted.

Free cherry blossoms

1. Keep the guest count down

Do you really need to invite your third cousin twice removed’s little niece? Stick to those who you keep in touch with on a regular basis. If you haven’t broke bread with someone in over a year, it’s probably not appropriate for them to partake in your day. We kept the guest numbers down by limiting the invitees to immediate family and the closest of friends.

Yes, you may rub some people the wrong way, but this is your day. You have your reasons, and they should be respected.

To take that further, we split the wedding in two parts: ceremony/dinner and par-tay. Half the guests came after dinner to celebrate with us, which also helped keep costs down.

2. Make your own invitations

Another nice thing about keeping the guest count down is you need fewer invitations. This means you should have time to make and send them out yourselves. If you’re crafty like my wife, you can make unique and special cards. We included a blank page in the invitation and requested that the guests make it their page in our guestbook and to bring it to the wedding.

With the time they had we received some really thoughtful and colourful pages to insert into our guestbook. Much more personal than just a couple sentences and a signature, or, worse, drunken words of advice.

3. Use your contacts

If you think about it, you probably know someone who has some handy skills you could take advantage of. Maybe even a friend of a friend. An old high school chum who I occasionally ran into agreed to do our flower arrangements (it just so happened she is a florist). In lieu of payment, we invited her to the wedding.

Friends and family were also more than willing to chip in as they could, some coming to the venue early to help set up decorations and chairs. And speaking of venues…

Barclay Manor in Vancouver’s West End

4. Find a cheap venue

While the big ballroom with floor-to-ceiling glass and a panoramic view over the ocean is ideal, it’s going to be expensive. Find a place that doesn’t normally do weddings.

We scored a beautiful heritage house and struck up a nice little relationship with the events coordinator. We negotiated a great deal and had extra access to the venue for planning purposes and also cleaning up post-wedding.

5. Be your own DJ

Sorry DJs of the world, but you aren’t needed here. We sent out an email to our guests and asked them for song requests. I then mixed everything together myself with MixMeister. It was easy to use and it was fun putting it together, plus it makes a great memento. We still have the original file and dance to it on our anniversary.

At the wedding, you can play this mix from your iPod or laptop. We rented a mixing board and big speakers for party level music. We also got a dancing colour light.

Professional DJ for $1000 or this set-up for $80? You decide.

6. Don’t go pro

It’s not always a case of “you get what you pay for”. We’ve all heard the horror stories of professionals providing less than adequate service. But it also works the other way round. You can get some seriously good service for a discounted price.

Photographer: We found one just starting out in the biz and so was offering a deep discount while he built up his profile. He came with an assistant (with his own camera too) and was with us for eight hours.

Plus, he was willing to give us all the images he (and his assistant) took throughout the day instead of just a set amount of prints.

The “homemade” wedding cake

Videographer: Also a newbie, but as this was his first wedding he offered to do it for free to get his portfolio going. The end result was fantastic and he was extremely professional, polite, and took great care of us.

Caterer: Try a culinary school to keep your catering costs down. If you’re in Vancouver, check out Pacific Institute of Culinary Arts. My mouth is watering just thinking of the food they dished up that night.

We found a cheap and cheerful bartender off Craigslist, where we also found the photographer and videographer. Just make sure you meet with them at least a couple times to make sure you’re comfortable with them.

7. Make your own cake

This is not for the faint hearted, but you can save heaps here. Rather than a sugary, fluffy cake, use one you actually like. We used a tuxedo cake (from Save-On Foods) square base, with a round raspberry and white chocolate cake on top, offset in the corner for artistic purposes. And, of course, decorated it.

8. Find some good, cheap booze

Who says you have to spend over $20 a bottle for some good wine? We tested a bottle or two each week, which was fun in itself, and found a red (Chile) and a white (Germany) for around $10. Same goes for the sparkling stuff, no need for the Dom Perignon.

9. Finally, recoup the costs

I don’t care what people say, I think it’s perfectly fine to ask for cash gifts, especially when the guest knows where it’s going (i.e. travel funds). You can also mix it with a registry of sorts for things you actually need.

Other random things we did to keep the costs down:

We rented a white PT Cruiser — modern, classy AND cheap — and I asked a work colleague to be our chauffeur. We “pruned” the cherry blossom trees around town for some free and beautiful center pieces (do this under the cloak of night).

All unopened bottles of booze and mixers were returned to the liquor store and Safeway, respectively.

Also, Yvonne’s wedding dress was so last year. But it was also so not expensive. And it was so gorgeous.

COMMUNITY CONNECTION

If you’d rather plan a destination wedding than go the traditional route, Matador has the Ultimate Guide to Planning a Destination Wedding.

And we’ll never leave you at the altar– check out 16 Places to Stretch Your Honeymoon Dollar too.

For those of you who have already passed this stage and are on the next phase, you’d best read the Expectant Mom’s Guide to Travel.

How about you? Do you have any wedding money saving tips to share?

Pop them in the comments below!