Feature image by Chris P Jobling. Photo above by AngelsWings’
We all make choices when traveling. Often, choosing one path, closes a door on another. How does one keep from feeling the regret of the road not traveled?
In a recent New York Times blog, Tim Kreider wrote about something he called ‘The Referendum’, which, succinctly put, is your defense of the major life decisions that you have made: marriage or no marriage, children or no children, career or no career.
To that list I would add to travel or not to travel.
As a recently married person, new to mid-life, and perhaps vaguely entering my first real crisis of conscience, I know exactly what he is talking about. I feel young at 40, and I suppose as newlyweds we feel younger than most, but those creeping question of starting a family begin to take hold like hyperactive vines rising out of the soil in some low-budget science fiction flick.
We have felt wondrously gluttonous this year after a destination wedding followed by trips to Palm Springs, California, Costa Rica and Ireland, while friends and family are busy having babies or are already raising families. We look out the window at them from our taxiing plane and wonder how they handle the late-night feedings, the extra work and, in essence, the tedium. Is it worth it? Are we doing the right thing or are we just selfish. Greedy. Irresponsible, even?
Making Your Choices
We have married travel as much as we have married each other,
Photo by hapal
because we always knew that travel would be a staple of our life together. More important than a house or an expensive car or children, and we have made our own sacrifices in order to travel.
I’m not suggesting travel with children is impossible, but perhaps it is too much for us to handle at this point, or ever. Of course people take family trips all the time. It’s just that family trips, by their nature, are just, well, different. Are they better? That is the nagging question I cannot answer. Perhaps they see us as unfortunately grounded while they fly into uncharted territory, growing and experiencing the world together.
But what is travel if not the thrill of decision-making? Of course, in choosing your particular spot, you will be not-choosing others, which will cause you to inherit the grief of the road not taken. You will be asked at the end: “Oh did you hike ____ mountain when you were in ____? Or “My God, did you take that wild ride down the ___ on the way to ____”
“No, we didn’t,” you’ll say, and then you can smile as you remember what you did instead.
About the Author
Related Posts
27 Comments... join the discussion!
-
-
Greg, you’ve unwittingly unearthed a major theme of my marriage…and I thank you (and Tim Krieder) for prompting the discussion.
Our vote in your debate would be for travel, even if it’s only within a half-day’s drive — and even if you choose to have kids.
I can’t say we’ve never felt sorry for parents traveling with sometimes-reluctant small children, but we applaud those parents’ efforts to keep the insular world they’ve created connected to the world at large.
As married people set about building a conjoined life, compromises are almost always necessary. Can’t afford to go to Ethiopia the way you’d really like? Track down a restaurant and explore the cuisine. Can’t possibly get away from work for a tramp around Scandinavia? Seek out a museum exhibit, or find yourself an inspirational travelogue.
Keep hope alive.
But, make an effort to get the heck out of dodge/your own daily pattern as often as you can, and never stop seeking out new experiences; they’re the seasoning in a great recipe for love.
↵ -
Oh Mr. karmatrekker, I was worried about you……….until the last sentence. Whew! Follow your own path to happiness, not anyone else’s.
↵ -
I have thought a lot about this, I’m only 19, but I have a very imaginative imagination. I have realize that adopting is a very good option. Also, I have realized that, while my family trips were fun, I prefer traveling. I think you understand my implied difference when I simply say travel and family trips. They are wholly different, as you mention in your piece.
If my mother and father had been able to show me how amazing travel truly is through their own love of it, if they had had it, I would have not spent the past two years of my life attempting to figure it out on my own. Thankfully they always supported what I wanted to do, they just weren’t able to help.
I’m not saying you should just adopt and take kids and force them to travel places, but show them the love you have, because kids automatically love what their parents love, as long as they don’t hate their parents. Think about it. Wouldn’t you have LOVED to learn about the intimacy and passion of traveling the world years before you did? I can only be glad that I learned now and not twenty years from now.
Great article. Thanks so much.
Jared Krauss
↵ -
Great post. Love the ending too; it’s definitely about creating your own path. My husband and I knew we were marrying travel, too, as much as we were marrying each other.
↵ -
Really enjoyed this article; thanks.
↵ -
Circumstances and situations are always changing. Life changes. That’s just life. Which is why it amazes me that so many people can be static for so long. And which is why you can’t regret choices you make, because when you make a choice you’re using the information you have at the time.
↵ -
Oh…and also, to comment about “Are we doing the right thing or are we just selfish. Greedy. Irresponsible, even?” – I wouldn’t feel bad about not wanting kids. My wife and I are heavily on the not having any side (of course, we would never shut the door, but we can’t imagine having any). I don’t know why we’re meant to feel bad…selfish, greedy, irresponsible. How irresponsible is it to have kids when you aren’t ready? When you don’t understand what it takes to raise a child?
↵ -
I’m not sure anyone is entirely prepared to have a child before actually having one. That said, I think too many people feel they have to have children because it is simply what you do when you’ve reached a certain age or stage in life.
Which, yes, I agree, is ridiculous and irresponsible.
↵ -
I fully agree about the never being ready part. I think what I mean is understanding what it means to have and raise a child, to understand the sacrifices you will have to make. I think many people have children without giving this much thought.
↵ -
-
Great article!
“We have married travel as much as we have married each other, because we always knew that travel would be a staple of our life together. More important than a house or an expensive car or children, and we have made our own sacrifices in order to travel.”
This pretty much sums up the philisophy my husband and I have. As Carlo said, “we would never shut the door” on children, but right now my husband and I just don’t have the desire to have kids. If that changes, we’ll talk. But that won’t change unless we know that we can continue our travels with kids (which is why I love seeing hardcore backpackers toting their kids around the world).
I went to my doctor for an annual check up this week. After I told her about some of my upcoming trips, she said “you might as well do it now, before you have kids”. I hated the implication that we ARE going to have kids and that once we do, our traveling will come to an end.
↵ -
My biggest pet peeve in the world” “Oh, it’s good to do it now while you’re young/before you settle down/before you have kids”. Arrrrrggggghhhh!
↵ -
It’s true, sometimes other people’s expectations of how you should live your life can be insulting. Marriage is not for everyone, and certainly children are not for everyone. However, if you go that route, I think traveling with your children is absolutely necessary for your sanity as well as theirs.
Ironically, my sister just returned from a trip to Italy this week with her two teenage daughters. I was thrilled that they took the trip, but at the same time I knew it was her first
trip outside the country in twenty years.↵ -
This was a very refreshing article to read in a world where I sometimes start to wonder if i am all alone in my way of thinking…
The phrase that stuck out to me more than anythings was “…but perhaps it is too much for us to handle at this point, or ever.” I am proud of you for acknowledging this. It is very important to do what is right for you when you are read for it. At this point in my life i am not ready for marriage and wonder if I ever will be. People think of me as crazy for saying that I have no plans to travel down this road, but the truth of the matter is that in my life, it is not something that is fitting in currently, possibly not ever.
I think it is important to realize we are each our own person and although other feel they can only travel if they are solo or without children, those that feel otherwise are equally correct. Whatever your situation may be, I do encourage everyone to keep true to themselves and never forget to take the time to do what you have always wanted.
↵ -
I’m 19 too. And like you, I enjoyed family 4-5 days trips, but those are not enough for me, I need to travel.
Like you, it took me 2 , maybe 3 years to find out this is what I really want to do, but my parents don’t like this idea.Anyway, is their problem.
I like the idea of adopting kids, but, if you can have your own child, is better.
You can change your travel style, buy a motorhome or stay in only few places until he is 3-5 years old. He will learn the beauty of travel from that age.This is how I think about this subject.
p.s.Sorry if I make mistakes, english is not my primary language.
↵ -
Spot on article!!!! …so true about the choices we make – for me travel is the reward I give myself for all the hard work and annoyances of my everyday.
I love nothing more than to wander around a new (or much loved / often visited city) stopping in some cafe and having the chance to talk with a complete stranger about whatever strikes my fancy. Some of my best conversations have been with utter strangers. I could never give up my wandering…and yes I’m single, over 40 and no kids and I don’t feel like I miss anything…I see my friends struggling financially and they always seem to compromise their former love for travel…Not something I will ever do …
↵ -
My last comment was related to Jared Krauss’s comment.
↵ -
I enjoyed this a lot. It struck so many chords with me, especially the ensuing conversation of society’s expectations concerning children.
Although I’m in a long-term relationship, I’m still a single-mom of a small child determined to travel to as many places as possible. Besides dodging irksome questions such as when I plan to have child #2 (as if having just one child breaks some moral code), I also get irritated by not-so-veiled insinuations that a conventional blueprint for life/travel is now a required part of motherhood. I have no plans to visit Disneyland anytime soon.
I love the line that travel is the thrill of decision making. I don’t totally beg off “family vacations”, but I also want him to enjoy the excitement of travel – and why I love it so much. Which means spontaneous stays in a desert ghost town or unprepared hiking in Peru or last-minute canoeing on the Rio Grande. Maybe that’s selfish on my part, or maybe he’ll have a new outlook on life.
Or maybe that’s my way of “irking” others who levy pre-fab ideas on my life.
↵ -
Good read, enjoyed the comments as much.
@ carlo : My biggest pet peeve in the world” “Oh, it’s good to do it now while you’re young/before you settle down/before you have kids”.
So true. That, and “Why don’t you just have kids (and) get it out of the way/get it done”. Er, what???@ Cathey : ” have no plans to visit Disneyland anytime soon.”
ha, love the line, and all it implies/says.↵ -
Thank you for this article. It touches a topic that I’ve been confronted with quite a bit. I’ve spent my life traveling and it is what I’ve wanted since childhood. Some people cannot imagine that one would not want children and pressure others to have children, as if it were our social duty. I am middle aged, don’t want children and never have. But I am pressured by some people who have children to follow suit! It is not as though human beings were in short supply; we are adding approximately one billion new ones a decade on an increasingly steep curve, destroying nature in the process. It can be argued, in view of population statistics, that it is a more selfless decision toward society not to have children. Some people with children argue that their children will pay our social security later; well, it’s the least they can do, in view of the fact that the rest of us shoulder the burden of their tax breaks and school costs during our entire working life.
↵ -
I am an American married to a woman from Thailand. We have one son (we only want one) who really is the light of our lives. Travel is extremely important to us. After marriage and before our son, we lived for a year abroad in Japan and I must say it was probably the best year of our marriage. We keep thinking about how to get abroad again…It is really hard sometimes to get back that which you let go of so easily…:) Right now it is not so much our child that holds us back, but much more several mortgages on properties bought during the real estate “boom”… These properties were supposed to give us an edge to early retirement and more extensive travel and now we work for them…haha No pity party though, all is ok, we own our own business, do ok, and usually spend about 8 – 10 weeks in Thailand each year. Everything is choice. Everything. And don’t even worry about not having children. The fact that you really considered it and know yourselves is more than most people who just have children without thought…Sorry for the rambling message…
↵ -
As my brother Dan said to me – he, holding his newborn third child; me, just a month returned from my fifth multi-month journey to India . . . “The grass is green on both sides of the fence.” Amen.
↵ -
Interesting, thoughtful article. Thanks for sharing.
↵ -
I am 19 and I absolutely love travel! Any type of travel – whether it be venturing to far off countries or a weekend road trip, the thrill of seeing new places and meeting new people will never disappear. I have been blessed with coming from an adventurous family and fell in love with travel from a young age. However, the one thing for me that is more important than travel, is having children. I can’t think of anything more magical than creating life! I would give up any type of expedition in my life if it meant I was able to have kids.
↵ -
I understand these thoughts! I’ve done LOTS of travel in my life as a single and as a couple. Even as I child, I knew I wanted to wait until the last possible minute to have a child, even if that meant not having one as things DO change when one takes on that awesome responsibility if you take it seriously ( which I think is important for our children and this planet).
But I did have my one and only child late in life and traveling the world with her and my soulmate husband has been the best experience in our lives. ( We have been traveling the world non-stop since 2006, living large on just 23 dollars a day per person).
The great thing about today’s 4HWW life, is one CAN have it all. Almost anyone can travel the world to their hearts content with or without a family. Slow travel is actually cheaper than living at home and most can work and school any where today if one is willing to live a greener, simpler, freer life and enjoy the greatest wealth in life….time and love.
↵ -
while children are wonderful and adorable and the blog is not soley this topic…there are many, many children being born, the world is over crowded are resources are threatened and the sun is getting hotter. this is fact.
if the call to parenting is yours then take it and be blessed and work and hope for the best. if not, rejoice in your freedom and ability to travel, create, change careers, study and endless other options available. around the world are orphanages filled with parentless children.
whatever the decision, be grateful as life is a gift and in gratitude are the greatest blessings.
↵
