Feature photo: A few weekends ago, I went hiking with the family by Rio San Lorenzo, about a ten minute walk from our house. Lila loved the idea at first, but as soon as she encountered unwieldy pathways covered with mud and overgrown with weeds, she changed her mind.
Lila doesn’t like to get her feet wet. She doesn’t like mud. She was tired. She wanted to be carried.
Too bad, though, we were already an hour along the path and carrying her was not an option in that particular terrain. She stopped and refused to keep walking.
“I can’t do it,” she cried, my little one’s face all scrunched up with the drama as she stood pathetic and weeping on the river bank. “I can’t!”
Yes I can! No I can’ts.
I’m not big on rules — which is another discussion altogether — but we do have one in our house that everyone must follow. No one is ever allowed to say “I can’t.”
I’m not big on rules — which is another discussion altogether — but we do have one in our house that everyone must follow. No one is ever allowed to say “I can’t.”
This started because Lila likes to use I can’t when she doesn’t want to do something. Or she doesn’t know how. Or she wants help. Or she’s scared. I can’t get the milk from the fridge. I can’t clean my room. I can’t bring my toys in from the porch. I can’t climb over this rock. When I know full well she can.
It’s great to be a kid and have an adult entirely take care of your needs, and I think that’s much of what childhood should be, but such pampering must also have limits. I’m more than happy to help or do things for Lila as long as she asks. This requires her to
1. Be aware of her needs.
2. Be aware of her abilities.
3. Communicate her need for help (without I can’t or whining).
I-can’t circumvents all these important social interaction and self awareness skills. I-can’t implies you are incapable of doing something. It weakens you. It takes away choice and turns you into a victim.
Later in life, who will do for Lila when there’s no parent around? If she doesn’t learn now how to walk into an overwhelming situation and step-by-step conquer it, when will she learn?
I’ll do it later. Not now. One day.
As soon as Lila realized I can’t wouldn’t work, she tried another tactic. I’m tired. Let’s do it later. A completely reasonable request, so we stopped and had the picnic I brought along. Thing is, once the food was gone and she had rested, Lila was no more ready to tackle the mud, water and hills than she had been before we stopped.
How many times have you given yourself that out?
Alex Fayle calls this the Someday Syndrome. On his website of the same name, Alex discusses the different methods we employ to try to trick ourselves into believing that it’s OK to push off what we really want or need to do now for another day.
Your Somedays stay Somedays without a single action taken. Do you want to know why? It’s not what you think. It’s not because you’re a lazy person. It’s not because it’s someone else’s fault. And it’s not because you honestly will get to it later.
Procrastination comes from one of three things:
* Disinterest
* Inertia
* FearThose are the only reasons why people say “I’ll get around to it someday” and if you can overcome those three blocks, you’ll never say that again.
Fear. Procrastination. Distraction. Worrying about the outcome, whether or not we can achieve. Will we fail? All these things are road blocks. If you allow any of them to stop you, you will not reach your goals.
So back to Lila crying piteously in the river as water swirls around her little legs, almost knocking her off balance.
It would be so easy to do it for her, to lift her and put her on land. But doing so won’t get us to the end of the hike. We still had about an hour to go and plenty of rocks, water and sandy hills with little traction.
Photo by authorPlus, I know she can do it. I’ve seen her climb steeper hills and navigate more slippery terrain. Add to that, I don’t want to carry her. Nor do I want to stay knee deep in this river for the rest of my life.
When Lila realized she had no choice, that none of her I-cant’s, I’ll-do it-laters or I-don’t-want-tos would change the situation, suddenly she pulled herself together and finished the hike.
Sometimes it really is as simple as that.
Yes, there were times she needed help when crossing a particularly rough and deep patch of water, then I gladly lent a hand. And the next time we went hiking, she didn’t think twice before scrambling up the rocky surface like a happy little monkey.
COMMUNITY CONNECTION:
Ever suffer from Someday Syndrome? What other road blocks stand in the way of your goals and what do you do to bypass them?
For more tips and life lessons from parents check out this photo essay on busy twitter parents. You can also read how Claire Moss’s travels prepared her for parenthood.
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27 Comments... join the discussion!
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So many teachers I know share that attitude. At least the ones I trust most.
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Best rule ever! She’ll take it with her for her entire life. Such a sweet lesson.
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From the lululemon athletica manifesto – successful people replace the words “wish”, “should”, and “try” with “I will.” Felt appropriate to share
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I love this. My mom has the same basic parenting philosophy, and I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of it. Totally useful advice to keep in mind for just about any situation.
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I’d love to hear what your mom has to say, Nicole. After all, I’ve only got 5 (almost 6!) years of parenting experience here.
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I LOVE this article!
This is SO true. I’m so sick of people worrying about what will happen if they try something, if they risk something. Well, that’s the only way to really get anywhere in life!
I’m especially sick of people asking why I am even going to do something if the outcome is likely not what I want it to be. Well, let me tell you this: If I had taken that attitude to raising money for Haiti, where over 90% of the people told us no, we would have raised no money.
If I want to try something, to achieve something, someone telling me the odds of me not achieving my goal is not going to stop me from achieving it.
Gah,
Frustration.Now, to overcome the disinterest part for the required classes in college.
Knowing what I have to overcome though certainly helps.
Fear, Disinterest, Inertia
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Good for you for going ahead and raising money for Haiti in spite of disinterest from those around you. I always figure if you keep moving forward with something — project, plan, or purpose — that’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter how slowly you move. Or if others do it faster or differently.
First step is getting over your own I-can’ts. But once you do, it’s easier to ignore them when they come from others.
Good luck with those classes.
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Along with this – I noticed recently that a common figure of speech my family uses is “I’m afraid”… “I’m afraid the plane will be late”… “I was afraid the timing would be off”… and it IS a figure of speech – no one is truly scared, but I’m afraid – really – that our sub-conscious doesn’t know the difference. The more we say “I can’t” and “I’m afraid” the more this becomes ingrained in us and affects the way we approach a situation.
I try to use the phrase “I wonder” which creates more of an openness to the outcome — “I wonder how/when I’ll get a renter for my condo so I can hike the Appalachian Trail this season” is one I’ve used a lot lately
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It is all about language.
I realized this when Lila began pointing out when I say I-can’t to silly things. “I can’t open this jar of peppers.” “Mama, you just said I can’t.”
And at first I thought it doesn’t matter if it’s something so small. But it does. Why ever tell yourself there’s anything you can’t do.
That, and I’m really excited to hear about your plans to go back to the AT. Such a perfect example of understanding that there are times to be still and at home but that doesn’t mean you’re not still on a journey or planning one or thinking about one.
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Thanks for the article and the added comments, I will watch myself to see if I use too much of those “I can’t”…
Although I don’t think I say it too much I realised that the more I grow “up” (not “old”!) they are happening more often…
Already thinking about many ways to replace those nasty little words with more positive ones (especially that I have started rock climbing less than a year ago and there are a lot of those little “I can’t” lurking around the corner haha)Speaking about rock climbing, I am sometimes impressed at the things I am able to do while I was thinking “I can’t” just a minute before, and managed to pull out just because my friend who’s belaying me tells me “wrong attitude!” and leaves me up there until I really try
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How absolutely true! It is amazing what you can accomplish when you think you have no other choice.
I can think of so many examples. But as Christine says, often these choices come down to figuring it out for ourselves. We have to put ourselves in the position of no choice but try.
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I love this because it cuts straight to the point. We are masters of making excuses for things that we are very well able to do.
My parents had the “no I can’ts” rule, too. We had to change them to “I’ll try” or something else. Believe me we got VERY creative when we didn’t want to do something. But now, the same situations my husband meets with “Let’s be realistic”, I’ll meet with what he calls my viscious-terrier-who-won’t-let-go-of-a-toy-attitude.↵ -
We are masters of making excuses for things we are ver well able to do.
I love that! Imagine if we turned all the time, energy and planning toward something that actually moves ourselves in the direction we want to go.
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Thanks so much for this. Very timely as I prepare for anopen-ended journey where Just Do It is going to have to be my motto.
I’ve always had the mentality that, If I believe it exists somewhere out there in the world, it inevitably does. And 99 times out of 100 I find it. Whether it be the perfect pair of shoes or an airline ticket for under $200, my dreams are there as long as I’m willing to put in the work.
And for those times when my dreams just don’t materialize? (Like this workshop I planned to rake in some cash before departure that I’m not even in the black on…) I follow through anyway. I’ll figure out what I’ve learned from it Someday
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Now THAT, Hannah, is the perfect place for Someday.
If for one reason or another something absolutely cannot happen now, you don’t give up on it.
Nice!
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This is such a fantastic article. My fiancé has never had the opportunity to travel much, and I’ve been all over the world, so when I pitched the idea of WWOOFing for three months this summer to him he was understandably apprehensive. As the date draws near, the fear of leaving behind the place that is so familiar for something so completely new is beginning to rear it’s ugly head. I have told him over and over (and will keep telling him) that you just have to give it a shot! If you hate it, and farming isn’t your thing, then you NEVER have to do it again (and at least you don’t have to spend your life regretting, wondering what it *could* have been like).
Again, fantastic article. I’m definitely going to pass it along. Thanks for the inspiration
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Merrilee,
Thank you! I always appreciate hearing this kind of feedback to an article and knowing that perhaps something I write can have an affect on someone. Even though it seems you are already well versed in knowing what you want and that there’s no use in putting it off.
How fantastic that you’re going to be doing this! Where are you going for your WOOF adventure?
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Great, great piece, Leigh. Ah, the Someday Syndrome – how it has plagued me so in my life. And actually feeling that inertia, seeing it, yet still having such trouble to overcome it. Each of us individually has to figure out that “how” for ourselves.
I can at least blame it partly on my astrological make-up. But that doesn’t get me a ticket out of doing something about it. Damnit.
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I really enjoyed this article, and it’s actually quite relevant for me. I just ended my “someday syndrome”– I quit my job a few months ago to volunteer in Vietnam (where I am currently) and Israel, with a few months of random travel in between.
Most of my family and friends thought I was crazy to quit my job and go wandering off for months on end, but I’ve always had a really strong desire to volunteer abroad and I knew I’d regret it down the road if I took other people’s advice and just stayed put. So far I’m loving every minute of my adventure and so glad I didn’t listen to everyone who said I “shouldn’t” do this, or to “do it later, what’s the rush?”
Maybe I’ll send this article to all of them to read!
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If you do, I’m curious to hear what they say.
Congrats on your big changes.
One thing I can say without a moment’s hesitation. I never once regretted picking up everything to travel with my family. Yes, there are things I miss and there have been challenges, but overall, when I think of the places I’ve been, people I’ve met and experiences I’ve had, I know I made the right choice.
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Great article Leigh and a wonderful take on Someday Syndrome – I’ve never thought of it from the “I can’t” perspective before but that’s what I often said to myself as an excuse to not follow through on my writing dreams.
Of course now I say “I can” to everything I want to do and rather than “I can’t” to the things I choose not to do, I simply say “no”.
Have a great day!
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Thanks for the comment, Alex.
You bring up a good point. Too often, we find ourselves telling others “we can’t” because it’s difficult to say no. I-can’t is an easy out. It allows us to escape responsibility for our own desires and needs. Which is all well and good short term, but ultimately, we need to own our choices.
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Its good to have a few rules. Not too many, but a few. And that goes for everybody, not just kids!
But I really decided to comment because I thought you might find this amusing:
When diving in Bonaire, I bought a T-shirt that I like very much. Its pale blue and has a sailboat rushing across a white-capped sea under scudding clouds. Below this image it says:
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
SundaySee? . . . There is no someday.
It’s amazing how often I think of this little witticism. And how often it helps me make decisions in life!
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nice post. thanks.
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Just found this piece today… I thought it was terrific, especially the example of your daughter trying to cross the rough terrain. Fear, disinterest, inertia. Absolutely correct… but so many people refuse to own up. It’s much easier to say “I can’t” when it’s too difficult, and “I hate you” to people who’ve done what you think you cannot.
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Such a good parenting philosophy that my mom used with me. What’s funny is, she babied and pampered my brother his entire life (and he’s 33 now) and he still needs lots of prodding to do anything! She employed the “no I-can’ts or it’s-too-hards” with me (I’m 14 years younger) because I think she was tired of the incessant whining. So here I am at 19, doing much more than I ever thought I could! And I do have my mom to thank for it.
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