Photo by frumbert
Anne Merritt ponders the comforts and contradictions of constantly moving back in with Mom and Dad as an adult, after extended periods of traveling.
I was on my way to a wedding shower in Toronto, rehearsing The Conversation in my mind. The most basic of icebreaking questions – Where do you live? – was no longer an easy one for me.
“I’m visiting my family in Ottawa now.”
“I’m staying with my parents for a few months.”
“I just got home from working abroad. Sooo…”
Yep, I’m 27 years old and I’m back with my parents, eating their fancy cheese and crackers, enjoying satellite TV I couldn’t normally afford. I’m George Costanza. I’m Principal Skinner. I’m sleeping in my childhood bedroom.
Why I’m back at home
Fellow travelers may understand. This wasn’t the result of a personal setback. There was no divorce, no layoff, no medical crisis that forced me back with Mom and Dad. The cause, the culprit, is long term travel. Coming and going from under the parental roof has been a pattern of mine for years now.
Photo by mulmatsherm
I’ve been teaching English overseas, traveling merrily from country to country, contract to contract. In between jobs, I return to Canada to catch up with family and friends. Then, my childhood home becomes the home base for a month or two…. or (gulp) sometimes a bit more.
My parents always seem happy enough with this arrangement. My arrival on their doorstep marks the end of a whole year spent apart, skyping through a calendar of holidays, celebrations conducted in echoing phone calls.
The chance to reconnect
Being home right now is a chance to reconnect and spend time together, to enjoy the simple familial rituals of dinners or afternoon walks. To call it a visit isn’t quite right though. I sleep in. I job-hunt on ESL websites, the computer desk covered in my cold, forgotten mugs of tea. Oh yes, I’ve made myself at home.
The thing is, they don’t seem put off by their grown daughter spending her 9-5 hours in sweatpants. They don’t pester me into staking out more independence, getting married, or buying property. They’re low-pressure, the anti-Costanzas.
In spells of second-guessing, I wonder if I should take that personally. I worry, maybe they just don’t expect that much from me. Maybe they don’t think I’ll ever marry, buy property, pass those hallmarks of adulthood.
“You know, we want you to stay as long as you have to,” they tell me. “Don’t think you’re putting us out.”
Photo by katsniffen
A comfortable routine
And so, I go into servitude overdrive. I set up DVD players, I fix computer problems, I forcefully volunteer myself for errands. I cook and cook, dinners, cakes, multigrain muffins they can take for lunch the next day.
I bustle around trying to demonstrate that despite being temporarily homeless, I’m still a functioning adult with life skills. Most of all, I try to prove that I’m not getting too comfortable.
That’s another thing. It is comfortable. I have friends who can’t stand staying with their families for more than a weekend at a time. I’ve heard stories of adults, forced back home for various reasons, who regress into frustrated, door-slamming teenagers under their parents’ roof.
For me, that’s not a problem. My parents and I swap books, discuss work problems, and (yes, I admit) watch Murder, She Wrote together, all without the bickering power struggles of my teen years. It’s not that I can’t live with them. I just feel that at my age, I shouldn’t.
Between apartments… between jobs
I’ll visit friends for dinner at their apartments, knowing the best hostessing I could offer is a night of hanging out on my parents’ sofa. I bump into old neighbors or classmates and feel my face go red when I tell them I’m staying in the ol’ childhood home.
They ask if I still have a place overseas, and I say, “No, no, I’m between apartments now.” Between apartments sounds like between jobs: a polite term for a shortcoming.
I know I’ll be off my parents’ couch and into the world soon enough, working a new teaching job and unpacking my bags in a new apartment. That’s the beauty of traveling again, of meeting new people and swapping life stories. “I just came from Canada,” I’ll tell them. “I was staying with my family for a bit.”
Other travelers, I think, will understand.
COMMUNITY CONNECTION
What do you think about adults living at home with their parents? Are you – or have you been – in a similar situation to Anne? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
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28 Comments... join the discussion!
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Anne, this was a great read. It’s really interesting, I think, to hear how people interact with their parents (I mean, it’s a weird, unique relationship. They create you, grow you, and then have to relate to you as an adult). Thanks for sharing!
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It’s interesting for me since I come from a culture that doesn’t necessarily mind parents & grown children living together; if anything, it encourages that situation! I’ve never seen it as a “problem” as long as you’re a productive member of society and a loving, active member of your family. I can’t imagine not having a relationship with my parents when I’m older or not taking care of them somehow. (I guess that’s why it’s ok if you live with your parents in India – people assume that the child is doing all the work!)
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I’m sure a lot of travelers can relate to this! We’ve been living with my husband’s parents for a year and are now just getting ready to move to an apartment. His family is Portuguese, so for them it’s totally normal for us to live at the house and they think it’s a bit crazy that we’re moving OUT (we both go to school a 40-minute drive from the house, so the commute is a bit much) and are insisting that we visit often. We know that we can also move back here when we’re in-between (which will probably happen relatively often) and although it can be a bit odd at 27 in the US to tell people we live with the in-laws, many of my international friends don’t think it’s strange at all.
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Thanks for the comments everyone!
Radhika and Heather, you bring up a great point that I didn’t get to touch on; how adults living at home isn’t really a taboo in many cultures. I would love to know more about the experiences of an adult living at home in India or Portugal, or another country where this is a normal setup.
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Anne, these could just have easily been my words.
I do grow comfortable, but I’m also really standoffish with my parents when I’m “visiting”. They just don’t seem to understand I don’t want to stay, would be anywhere else if I had a choice… which is why I usually pay too much money to get a half-decent sublease in that gap period. It’s better for everyone.
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Great piece, Anne. As everyone else has said, I can totally relate. Amazing how universal this experience is for travelers.
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I can totally relate. I’m staying with my parents right now, in New Brunswick. It was quite a culture shock coming back from Europe (I used to live in Ottawa before my trip
. It’s also weird because my boyfriend now lives with his parents, so we’re not even living together.
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Nice article, I can relate too! I am 27, I have been living with my parents pretty much all my life (except for a couple of years when I went to the midwest for a graduate degree) and I happen to be of Indian descent. I can’t really claim that this is a temporary respite from traveling overseas – I came back to my parents’ after graduating in the middle of the recession, but I’ve stayed on even after finding a job. I enjoy the relationship I have with my parents, and it is fun to discuss books, politics, TV shows over dinner – they like having me home, and I try to do my share my picking up all my expenses, helping out with groceries, chores, and playing host when someone visits.
It has had an effect though on my social life – I try to get home immediately after work, and my parents rightfully expect a courtesy call if I’ll be late for dinner, which reduces impromptu extended conversations over coffee/drinks after work. I’d love to have my friends from other parts of the country over to visit too, but as you put it, my parents’ couch is the best I can offer. So, yeah, living at home isn’t so bad, but I am planning on moving out to an apartment close by in a couple of months. I am wondering though, about the mechanics of making that transition when I’m not really packing up and moving to another city / country.
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Wow, sounds like your parents are awesome people. At the moment I’m living at home with mom, step dad, and obnoxious teenage brother and hating every moment of it. My mom rented out my childhood room to make ends meet years ago, so for the past six months I’ve called the living room couch and sometimes an airbed my “living quarters”. My family fights constantly and my mom lays on the guilt about not contributing ALL the time. It would be great if I were in between travels, somehow knowing I would be leaving soon, but instead I’m part of the 6 million American long term unemployed at the present, so my stay is indefinite (it’s either this or live in my car, which sometimes sounds more appealing).
That whole regressing into your teenage self can be a real phenomena — it’s difficult to feel like a real adult when you’re living at home (and have zero privacy). I feel like I’ve lost some self respect in the process. I’d like to do some long term traveling in my lifetime but despite all the advice I’ve read about moving in with the parents to save money, I think renting a cheap room, or even getting a roommate would be a better option for some of us. Basically I would only move home as an extreme last resort (which is what I’m in now).
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, having parents who accept your travel lifestyle and don’t put pressure on you sounds like heaven to me. Family like that is really a blessing.
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Really love this piece, Anne, thanks for sharing it.
I can also relate, though in a slightly different way. My issue is that I’ve chosen to live abroad – and can’t see myself returning to England to live any time soon – but I don’t go home to visit my Mum anywhere near as often as I feel I should.
While she totally supports what I do, I know that really she’d like me to move back to England so she can see me more often. This means that, even though I know I shouldn’t, I always carry a nagging sense of guilt with me, that sometimes bubbles to the surface.
I was back earlier this year for my sister’s wedding, and I’m hoping to head home for a little bit later this year. That’s about as much as I can offer. As for what it’s like, it’s a strange mixture of really nice, slightly awkward, and tinged with the sadness that comes from knowing it will soon be over.
This is what happens I guess if you choose to live a “less conventional” life ; )
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Hey Anne-
I’ve been doing exactly the same thing for years now too. Living with my mom and younger brother is great; not only do I get to catch up and spend quality unemployed time around a house (with such beautiful commodities as teapots and hot showers) but I also get a chance to integrate everything I’ve learned in the last years abroad in a calm unrushed way.
Some people may think there’s something wrong with that. Thus is society. We’re 27; we “should” be… blah blah blah. All these expectations are just common ignorant thought. Most people who made them up aren’t discovering the world beyond their small town, or delving into the deep vast caverns that lie within themselves.
I’ve learned to let go of that brainwashing. I’m 27, I don’t own a home or a car, I’m unmarried, I’m not using my degree, and I really don’t have much to ’show’ for the last few years of my life (besides uh, spectacular memories and life lessons). I’m living with Mom between travels, and I’m okay with that. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one going through these issues, thanks for your thoughts.
We should start a support group.
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Loved your article in general and Melissa’s comment as well:
“…I’m 27, I don’t own a home or a car, I’m unmarried, I’m not using my degree, and I really don’t have much to ’show’ for the last few years of my life…”
Looking at others’ responses it seems we’re ALL 27 and without those things we’re supposed to have by this age. I think I’ve tried to trick myself and my friends into thinking I’m a bit more grown up by constantly ‘couch-crashing’ rather than staying with my mother when I’m home in between travels. Part of that has to do with her being very rurally located with few work opportunities around, but more than that, if I’m not at home – even if I’m on someone’s couch – I’ve felt just SLIGHTLY more adult.
I will say, however, that I’ve recently put ‘Move back home and help my mother’ on my Bucket List of things to do in life. I regret that in my home-between-travel times I haven’t been the doting daughter I feel I ought to have been. This next trip home I’m actually looking forward to cooking and cleaning for ‘ol ma.
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Heck yeah, support group – your comment here could be our manifesto.
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How refreshing to hear that so many other people are in my same situation. I lived with the parents between a round the world trip and grad school and now between grad school and moving abroad. It seems pretty good so far, though I’m only on day 4 of being back “home.”
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there is nothing shameful or wrong about landing in your folks pad after traveling, or any time for that matter. Our culture is so out of touch with communal family space and so darn obsessed with the individual’s measure of material wealth…I found it refreshing in Southeast Asia to see 3 generations sharing a house, a meal.
not that I want to move in with my mom…but lord knows after traveling I have landed there a few times… enjoy the comfort of having that luxury!
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How brave you were to write this! I totally feel you on that line “I’m staying at my parents house for a few months”. I’ve used that more times than I’d ever like to admit. Except I usually say ‘a few weeks’ instead of a few months, no matter if I’ve been there three weeks, three months or three years! ‘Live’ just seems like SUCH a horribly shameful word when put in the same sentence as ‘my parents’ house’.
I second the support group idea, by the way!
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It’s so true Anne. I’m about to venture home from China to the exact same situation fancy cheese and the most comfortable bed ever. I don’t feel pressure from anyone to go a more traditional route and buy a house, dog, and 2 petrol guzzling vehicles, but seeing my friends who have all of this sometimes sparks a little insecurity.
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I loved this article. I moved back in with my parents too when I came home from traveling mainly because I didn’t have any money left. Luckily, I get along with my parents and know I can always go back home if I decide to leave again and go travel.
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Great Article. I’ve been with my family since returning home from Panama in May. Having not lived for such a long period since the summer between high school and my freshman college year it has been quite an experience. My youngest sister who was all of 8 when i left is now a college junior , and like most my room is obsolete . This leaves me an air mattress in the dinning room. My family is very supportive and of course imply I can stay as long as I would like, but I have to agree with the notion of feeling I have to give back. My bank is depleted so its more so the notion of helping, cleaning, cooking , even taking my youngest sister to drive and learn the dreaded cone obstacles they have to back up through. Its been quite the trying summer as of yet. And although it is trying at times I also agree it is nice to know no matter where you end up or what circumstance you always have “home” to come back to . They always open the hearts and home and let you “mooch” while you regain you footing. Great article once again and at the age of 27 it is SO refreshing to hear others understand, I am all for the support group
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Lovely article! You described my life exactly (eerie!). I’ve been going away and coming back yearly (and slightly less than yearly at some points— in Turkey I was gone 4 years without a break back home) and found myself happily crashed in my parents’ basement in Canada, drinking tea and applying for jobs.
It starts feeling a bit weird when you hit your mid-30s and are living (albeit temporarily) with your parents. You have to keep reminding yourself that the context is different, that you are there because you are in a lull in your life, a mere pause. Nothing has been derailed…just altered. You haven’t lost your job or ruined your life or turned out to be George Costanza…you’re just done with one contract/country and on the brink of another.
My parents think my lifestyle is a perfect match for my character and are glad I’ve carved out my own way of approaching adulthood.
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Hey! Great post. I just “moved” back home a few weeks ago after being away in Asia for 18 months. I actually came back right as my mom sold the old family house- my parents are seperated now. So, I said goodbye to house a few days ago and am now in an apartment with my mom.
Its actually kind of comforting- I’m at home, but its not the same as before. A new environment, which I am used to settling into. I’m not even unsure whether to unpack all of my bags. My backpack is still sitting in the closet, filled. My first-aid kit/toiletries bag sits on the bathroom counter. I am comfortable in the midst of chaos and unpacked boxes.
Looks like it will be a while though. Unfortunately, there are no jobs it seems. I was hoping to say I’m “spending a summer” at home, then moving up to San Francisco. My mom mentioned something about room for a Christmas tree in my room. I hope it’s not that long.
I also totally relate to feeling guilty about not spending time at home enough. I carried a massive amount of guilt around wtih me all throughout last year, as my mom was going through a horrible divorce, and various other shit went on at home, and there was the constant pleading of “when are you coming home?”. At last I can put to rest those feelings by spending quality time at home. i know in a few months I’ll be getting restless (if I don’t have a job and some goal to work towards). But its nice to spend a bit of time lounging around, spending 9-5 in pajamas, drinking tea, and figuring out what the hell happened with my last 18 months. hehehe…
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Anne you’re Canadian I’m not sure if its the same there, but here in America your a looser if you at home for whatever reason. Material Wealth is valued much higher than anything else
I’ve been back at home for the better part of 10 years. Why? I use to drive trucks cross-country. What use is there for me to have an apartment when I’m only in it 3-4 days out of a month? Doesn’t make much sense to me. Some people just expect these things without addressing common sense first. I stopped driving about 5 years ago and worked locally. But with that job, there is no way I could have had an apartment and new car at the same time. This is Los Angeles one of the highest rental areas in the nation. Besides I have no complaints. My parents are trying to kick me out. When me and my ex moved in together, I was at home a couple of times a week anyway. When we broke up, I lived 50 miles away from friends and family so I moved back home. I could have gotten another apartment, but why burn up all that money?
Do whatever makes you happy, if your so-called friends try and say your some type of looser for living with your parents, tell them to go jump or dunk their head.
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This was a great article! I really enjoyed reading it, and its true that people in the US tend to assume that a setback has forced you to move back in with your family. Don’t let them get to you and take advantage of the current situation. Your family really is a blessing!
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Hey,
Thanks for the article! After almost two years of living in Vietnam and Taiwan, Im planning on moving back to New Brunswick and live with my parents until I go either to study Chinese or do a Masters. I was having a mini meltdown because I felt like I had nothing to show other than inner changes these past two years. I cant even imagine the shock Im going to get when I rock up my tiny tiny hometwon after breathing Taipei’s pollution for the past year. Great article, glad I am not alone
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Loved this!
What I really enjoyed about living with my family after graduation was not having to buy new furniture, home supplies, etc. It’s great to share food and space and learn to see each other as adults, especially in our increasingly consumerist societies.
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Such a great piece, and so true on many levels. I’ve been living abroad, in various countries, for the past three years. I came home to NYC one summer and lived with my brother. This was actually pretty awesome – we hadn’t gotten to spend much time together as adults ever since I moved out at 18 – but I definitely felt as though I were a burden. That was my own perception; he was loving and generous and thrilled to have me around, but as a very independent person, I felt nonetheless… dependent? As though I needed to be subservient? It is difficult to be an adult and not be able to offer your friends a proper cup of tea, or a place to crash if they need to. Also difficult to have to admit that you don’t have your own place at times, or even a place to keep bigger items you might covet. Is it glamorous or is it just irresponsible?
But then again, our friends who are grounded with kids and jobs that allow them little vacation time are jealous. “I wish I could just run off and do what you do.” Run off: right.
Life’s about choices. We make our beds and we lie in them. Some times, we lie on a relative’s couch.
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The thought of having to go live with my mum and dad again after a break of 22 years brings me out in a cold sweat. When you reach a certian age, staying with your folks shouldn’t be an option…It just isn’t right! SICK!
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