Photo by Torley
It all began when Kathryn Blundell, deputy editor for Mother & Baby magazine wrote an article in which she calls breastfeeding creepy.
Enter outrage and upset from breastfeeding supporters who feel her article is both an affront to those who breastfeed – let’s call ‘em Uberboobers — as well as discouraging to those who want to try. Then look at the other side of the field to those who found Kathryn’s article to be helpful, a breath of fresh air for those who feel criticized for choosing formula in bottles.
The real issue, however, lies elsewhere. The current debate raging on the internet about breastfeeding sets up sides, forms camps and then draws a line between the two. And really, who wants to choose between “putting your teeny, tiny innocent baby…where only a lover has been before” or “being a selfish person who puts her child second to her funbags.”
I searched for the original Mother & Baby article, but only found news items running quotes, most replete with the same us against them language. Kathryn Blundell, says one woman, “completely sums up the minds of us formula feeding moms.” Others reduce women who stop breastfeeding to “quitters,” as if deciding to formula feed represents parenthood failure.
I’m not sure where the dichotomy originates. With moms or with the media. Although I suspect, like most things, it comes from somewhere in between.
I’m not sure where the dichotomy originates. With moms or with the media. Although I suspect, like most things, it comes from somewhere in between.
My Personal Experience?
I breastfed Lila for two years and three months. At the beginning, I loved it. By the end, I was done. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Keep in mind, too, it was relatively easy for me. This is not the case for all. For many, breastfeeding can be excruciatingly painful on both a physical and emotional level. The last thing anyone needs on top of a post partum lack of sleep is to be told you’re not being a good mom because you’re formula feeding. Nor do you need someone calling you a martyr for braving on when a bottle works just as well. Both sorts of advice produce a level of guilt that keeps you from making clear choices.
I, myself, continued far longer than I wanted because of pressure I felt from outside myself. Instead of supplementing with formula, so Noah or someone else could take up some feeding times, I decided I had to do it all myself. This meant I couldn’t be away from Lila for more than a few hours and didn’t sleep through the night for almost a year. Being a parent is a commitment, yes, but that is not necessarily the one we intend to make when having children. Nor should it have to be.
If and when there’s a next time for me, I will most definitely supplement with formula. I will not make parenting choices based on guilt and pressure and will instead figure out what is best for me and baby together.
if you are lucky enough to have the choice between all these options, rejoice. Please yourself first. Take care of yourself first.
But it doesn’t stop with breastfeeding
Not by a long shot.
There are tens of polarized debates relating to motherhood. Working Out Of Home Mom versus Stay-At-Home-Mom. Do you allow your child to learn to fall asleep on his own by crying himself to sleep? Or do you lie in bed with your child to soothe her to sleep? Do you hire a nanny or send your little one to day care? Do you have your baby in a hospital with a doctor or with a midwife at home?
It is exhausting and turns every parenting decision into one of right and wrong, moral or immoral. In reality, though, choices of this sort are not a black and white, thus, no matter what you choose, you will be wrong on some account. How’s that for banging your head against a wall?
The bottom line is if you are lucky enough to have the choice between all these options, rejoice. Please yourself first. Take care of yourself first.
The Ubiquitous Feminism Tie-In
Nancy Harder recently questioned if these days feminism is perhaps worse off than ever. As a partial answer, I’ll repeat here the words of Linsey Abrams, a feminist writer, fiction author and also my grad school adviser. “Leigh, ” she said. “Feminism is simple. It’s not a whole big argument with theory and miles of discussion. Feminism comes down to one thing. The ability to be able to make the choice to do what you want.”
COMMUNITY CONNECTION
What are your experiences with breastfeeding or formula feeding? Share your thoughts in the comments. For a male view of breastfeeding, check out Adventures in Weaning: Cold Turkey in the Great American Desert.
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40 Comments... join the discussion!
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Thanks, Hal. I hope some people do. I admit, I wonder what sort of reaction people will have to this article. Because while I am clearly pro-breastfeeding, sometimes people can hear the opposite.
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I believe it was the immortal George “dubbya” Bush who once said, and I quote, “You’re either with us or against us.”
Why must everything be so polarized?
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Because there’s nothing really to say when everyone gets along and finds middle ground.
Maybe?
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I read Kathryn Blundell’s article and thought she must have been bored or in a attention seeking kind of mood. The article was such a collection of political in-correctness it was plainly, ridiculous, or a joke, and I bet the serious reactions she got gave her a good laugh. My opinion is that the loudest protagonists of the FF vs BF debate are all people that thrive on the attention, and naturally, to keep the attention coming they need to escalate the tone, reaching this Kathryn Blundell level, that is just stupid. I have friends that formula feed, I have friend that breastfeed, did we ever have a ‘debate’? Not even once!! I say we just stop feeding the monsters and stick to the rule ‘to each it’s own’.
if I had to talk seriously about it, I would tell you this: I am a breastfeeder, I read the article and giggled a little. On the other hand, my friend, who is a formula feeder.. she was completely crushed that after the article people would see her formula feeding and immediately think of her ‘fun bags’. I read around the internet and formula feeders from everywhere were having similar reactions and feeling horrible for getting this kind of attention.
In a reactively free environment, people have over you only the power that you give them, people can put on you only the pressure that you allow them to put on you. Why we take upon ourselves such pressure? As with everything that has to do with parenting, the answer lies within, not outside. I give a damn about that pressure, I don;t even know where it is! Parenting is the most fun and enjoyable thing I have ever done. I hope your second experience at it is as enjoyable to you.
Breastfeeding is the first best food that you can give to your baby, and you can’t argue with science. I am very sorry, but you can just can. No matter how breastfeeding bashing people are, how much attention they get, how many spaces they conquer, the facts won’t change and they need to accept that. On the other hand, formula feeding is the second best food you can give to your baby, and sometimes second best options or third or fourth best options, are the best options for us. Again, the answer lies within
And last, the term ‘uberboober’is really distasteful and i feel horrible thinking someone calls me that because I breastfeed, we women should be the first to be very careful how we treat each other and the labels that we put in each other. We can;t be our own enemy. maybe you just dud it out of anger, you do sound quite upset.
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Agustina,
Uberboober is as equally a distasteful term as Formula Funbag. Both are wrong and only serve to create division.
I also want to clear up some things I think you misunderstood from my post. For one, I did very much enjoy breastfeeding my child as I do parenting. I’m really not sure how you would think otherwise. What I said is were it not for pressure from around me, I would have stopped earlier than I did.
I am also not at all upset. Quite frankly it seem you are far more upset than I am. Although, I realize it isn’t always easy to discern tone in the written word. You do, though, mention a reactively free environment. I’m not sure that exists. Perhaps you are lucky not to have felt it, but clearly many people do.
It’s important for those people to be able to talk about the pressures they’re feeling openly and with the support of those around them.
Finally, I want to reiterate that I am not commenting specifically on Kathryn’s article, because — as I said — I don’t have access to it and was unable to read it. What I’m reacting to is the Us Against Them attitude that seems to prevail when discussing the topic.
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Sorry Leigh, I will clarify some things
I saw uberboober and not fan bugs, which I guess prove my point that we read the things we read form our subjective experience, and totally missed fun bags, sorry!
By ‘more enjoyable’ I meant more pressure free, not that you didn’t/don’t enjoy your parenting which I know nothing about, sorry if it sounded judgemental or patronizing.
I am not angry, I am annoyed with this controversy. I did read the K article, because the day it was published I got tons of emails in my inbox linking to it, and I guess maybe I am a bit angry that women were so ready and eager to just react and jump at each other’s throat, i am sorry if my anger seemed directed at you and not at this ‘us against them’ debate that attacks my inbox pretty much every day and that I have been ignoring, but it just keeps coming!
The pressure issue I think deserves a little more analysis, and I wish I was articulated enough to expose my thoughts. I feel that us women, for decades, we have been brought up to put a lot of pressure in ourselves, to be the best girlfriends, the best wives, the best mothers. I have heard many women in my life setting for themselves the goal ‘I want to be the best wife!’, I mean, I have heard them actually say that. I have very rarely heard a man say similar things. It is like in some point we were made to think that we have to work hard to be ‘good’, that our innate condition is not ‘good enough’ I think if we worked on ‘de-programming’ ourselves first, in analysing how much of the ‘born to please’ mandate lives in us, motivates us.. and if we could somehow expel it from our bodies with visualizations, and talking, and coming together as simply who we are and accepting ourselves as we are, then maybe when we face pressures, we would not accept them, we would have some sort of ‘pressure protective shield’, and this women creating and feeding this kind of dividing debates, would not get the media attention and the reactions that they get. I feel that not only there is pressure aimed at women and making them vulnerable, but there is also people getting famous and selling magazines and earning money exploiting that vulnerability. That makes me angry as well.
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Hi Agustina,
Thank you for your clarifications.
I entirely agree with you about the pressures on women. I find it amazing that everyone feels the same type of pressure no matter what side of the argument you stand.
In the US, anyway, you’ll find people to judge you if you don’t breastfeed and you’ll also find people to judge you if you breastfeed too long. Often the same people.
I purposely refrained from any particular judgement of Kathryn B, because I simply don’t want to criticize another mother. I, too, think we should find that middle ground and live there.
I did feel pressure with Lila. I was a new mom with absolutely no experience, so I listened to people around me. Next time, I’ll make different choices. (Which, btw, my parents will probably be reading this article and will be jumping up clicking their heels to hear me talk about “next time.”
By the way, what do you do that so many people send you links to articles such as these?
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I am a mother of two and kind of a birth & childrearing junky, i enjoy reading research and articles. How I ended up receiving dozens and dozens of daily breastfeeding emails in my inbox is a result of my baby girl’s breastfeeding issues: she was growing and gaining weight well, but I felt that something was ‘off’ because she was not enjoying to breastfeed, and I was not finding the reason. I signed up to multiple breastfeeding support forums and mailing lists, and i emailed and messaged every expert I came across with. I don’t know if it is because I was reaching out in the middle of this FF vs BF debate, but for at least three months I felt that the answers I was getting to my problems were all mediated by the controversy and that nobody was actually reading or listening to what was in reality happening with me and my daughter.
When she turned six months and for months I had spent most of my nights struggling to feed her instead of sleeping, I introduced a bottle with my milk, to see if that would help us to sleep, we all needed sleeping time so badly! So I introduced the bottle, and she could not drink it, my baby kept sucking and sucking but getting no milk out of it. I went back to all the breastfeeding forums, the mailing list and the experts that I had been consulting, and shared with them this new development, that my girl could not feed well from a bottle either. Oh my the reactions! i think the only thing people read was the word ‘bottle’ You would think that being tandem nursing mother, that would be testament enough of my desire to breastfeed, but apparently no, suddenly my inbox was filled with articles on the benefit of breastfeeding, articles on the FF debate on the dangers of FF and so on! Even my local La Leche League local chapter which I have been a part of has been affected by the debate and the whole guilt thing, so now they repeat over and over ‘you don;t have to breastfeed, breastfeeding is not for suffering’ and that was irritating me so much! I felt that my problem was not being addressed.
Finally, I wrote on facebook on one breastfeeding advocate’s wall about my problem, and one of her contact read my story, and she was very supporting and kind, and then told me ‘ I think your baby might have a slight tongue-tie. And I researched it, and it sounded exactly like my problem. I went with that to my LLL chapter, they gave me the info with the solutions and here I am, a week later, finally getting some sleep, the problem was a very common one, and the solution was simply a change in the breastfeeding position. And yet, it took me months of research because so many people were in the ‘automatic ideological response’ mode.
Now I need to unsubscribe from all the mailing lists and forums and I am wondering if before doing so I should send a goodbye message saying: ‘Hey! While you were all fighting each other, I was getting no help because you were to busy discussing the benefits of breastfeeding and attacking non breastfeeding mothers’
To this article I got through our common friend Laura B, I read your comments in David’s and Laura’s blog, and I sort of knew where you were coming from and I didn’t think you were taking a stand or sides or anything. Sometimes with the kids around and trying to get things done or do things of my own, I don’t realise my tone gets cranky, until somebody tells me, sorry for that!
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Leigh, just a little information that would help: if a woman needs or wants to spend time away from her baby, she can just use a breast pump, storage the milk, and have someone else give the baby her own milk. There is no need of formula. Moms that work out of home can also do this, and many companies (although not thaaaat many) have special rooms where they can pump their milk.
The same thing if a tired mom needs to rest better at night. Co-sleeping also helps a lot for night-nursing. Your readers can find more information on safe co-sleeping at the Attachment Parenting International website. La Leche League can inform them about breast pumping.
So, if you really want to breastfeed your child and you are not in the 2 per cent of women that have real physical problems to do so, you can do it. And go to yoga, and go to work, and spend more than a couple of hours outside your home while your babe is in dad’s arms (if you want or need to do so).
I’m sorry to hear you had to breastfeed your daughter under pressure even though you were “done” with that. That must have a horrible feeling. I hope you have a better experience next time.
I’m breastfeeding my 2.9 years old daughter, and I know how hard and tiring it can be sometimes (plus: I’m 18 weeks pregnant). But my desire and my goal is for her to self wean, if it’s possible. I know that would be the best option for my her.
That’s the reason why I decided to breastfeed. I knew that even when I was going to have (and still have) many needs, nursing was the best thing I could do for her. All the newborns in the world have the same needs: mom’s arms and breasts. No matter where they are born, or from which family or culture they come from, or what are his mother’s needs. Many times in these almost 3 years I have had to remain myself this powerful truth.
I wish you the best for “next time”! (keep me updated, please!!!)
Love,
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Hey Lau,
Thanks for your comment. And first let me send HUGE congratulations down south. It took a couple readings before I realized what you were saying. So so happy for you, David and Layla. Such a beautiful thing!!!
Just so you know, I still had an amazing experience breastfeeding Lila. It’s something I’d do again, just a bit differently. I don’t regret it, and I’m not sorry for it. Noah took a video of the last time Lila breastfeed, and it was an amazing moment. To me, it signaled her growing up and a sea change in our interaction.
As for the rest, I wasn’t able to pump. Lila always got enough, but I would pump for half an hour to get half an ounce. Very frustrating and ultimately more painful and more of a hassle than breastfeeding.
We did co-sleep. Which for the first couple months was great. Lila latched on, ate and went back to sleep without even waking me. As she got older, though, she continued to latch on through the night, waking me. That was the main reason I wasn’t sleeping. So of course there are things to try, they just didn’t work for my particular circumstance, and it wasn’t because of lack of information. I had an amazing support group who helped me through every part of of having a child, from conception through breastfeeding.
Soon after this article published, I was asked to speak with some other women for a BBC radio show World Have Your Say. What struck me is the many reasons women have chosen not to breastfeed or to stop earlier than originally intended. My reason is that I reached an end before Lila. But 2+ years was a good run for all reasons. Other women stopped because it was too painful, and they felt horribly guilty for it. Another woman supplemented with formula because she wasn’t producing enough and received funny looks from her friends. One woman has been breastfeeding her child for five years and made it clear she had received many a nasty comment for doing so.
And across the board, every single one of us was made to feel bad, wrong or uncomfortable for our choices. It’s that that seems unnecessary.
Besos de Salta!
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Another issue, for me, is how you reach a certain audience without offending another kind of audience that may be reading? How many women actually do not want to breastfeed or want to stop and how many want to but don;t have the support or want to stop because they didn;t have the information to make it work?
Your case is very black & white, you weren’t enjoying it any more. Period. But what about a woman that wants to breastfeed but is having pain or not producing enough? A good LC can solve that, you encourage them with the wonders of breastfeeding or you support them to formula feed knowing that will ruin any chance of a successful breastfeeding? There are grey areas, and the only way that people can make an informed choice is by knowing all the facts, each one of them. But the your average pro FF will tell you you use facts to guilt trip.
That is what troubles me most, is this notion that by providing scientific facts is generating feelings. Facts don;t do that, the people that receives this facts have the feelings. What do we do? We hide the benefits of breastfeeding so women won;t feel guilty? Is that the kind of thing we want to do so we can feel good about ourselves? I insist, the work that needs to be done is an internal, not external. If a mother feels guilty by the facts about breastfeeding, then something in her is resonating.. I understand it may make a mother feel bad to know she is not providing the best food for her baby, but, I’m sorry is reality. And it’s that mother’s job, and not society’s to cope with those feelings.
I agree that mother’s come first… to some extent. Yes, you need to take care of yourself to be able to take care of others. But in some areas, duty and responsibility comes first. There is nature and biology and a baby’s biological expectation is to be breastfed, it’s the baby’s natural right. If a mother knows she doesn’t want to give that to her baby from the go, then maybe she should considering adopting an older child in need of a loving home. Most mothers wouldn’t consider leaving their child out on the rain or taking them in a car without a car seat, because they can get sick and because it’s dangerous. Breastfeeding is just like a car seat or a warm coat, it saves life and it prevents disease. It is as simple as that. And the informationis out there, maybe instead of informed choice for breastfeeding we should focus on informed choice on conceiving and having a baby.
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I am certainly not saying facts about breastfeeding should be hidden so that people can formula feed without guilt. AThe guilt exists on both sides. That’s why there is this type of us vs them and negative language used. A person doesn’t put down another’s choice when she feels confident in her own choices.
And it wasn’t black and white in my case. I wanted to stop but felt bad about stopping, so I, too, went to a parenting message board where I was told I should put my baby first and continue my original course of breastfeeding until Lila was ready to stop under the heading of “doing the best for my child.”
Obviously, each situation must be taken separately. A woman who wants to breastfeed should talk to a LC. A woman who absolutely doesn’t want to breastfeed, should not be made to feel bad for her feelings.
While I may not personally understand people who feel breastfeeding is creepy — a word that makes me bristle to hear. — I do not want to criticize another mother for her feelings. Mainly, because I do not want to be criticized.
Far better, I think, for a woman to be able to say how she feels and what she wants with no fear of name calling or being told she’s not a good mother or any of the other insults that come out of the debate. At least then, there’s a chance of finding help and support when needed.
I also want to be clear that I’m not talking about one side of this debate more than the other. What I prefer is the middle ground. I think when we all talk from that middle ground, whatever our personal choice, people who need information about lactation consultants, pumping, and any other support they may desire, are more likely to find it.
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(Leigh, perdon, nada que ver con nada. Recien leo que estas en Salta, yo soy de Tucuman ahh como se extrania el Norte!)
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Clear and insightful, thanks a million. I am constantly gratified by the level of discussion that arises across Matador.
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Hey, Leigh. Don’t ask me why I find this so interesting as I certainly have no children of my own. Chalk it up to your truthful way of writing, I guess. I listen to the Parent Experiment podcast and they have talked about this a lot, too. http://www.adamcarolla.com/TPEBlog/
Teresa Strasser is awesome. She has talked a bunch about how she was only able to breast feed for a few months and the pressures of that. I think you’d like it.Great piece.
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Wow. That is a lot to take in. It makes me very thankful that after 3 wives and 6 kids my opinion was never requested. So I will just say kudos to moms for just being moms. You’re all great. Thank God I’m just a dad…Gotta run, time to change a diaper. BTW I choose disposable diapers. That’s bad right?
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Hola Leigh!! Thanks for the good vibe, we’re very excited!
))I was thinking…”Guilt” is a very profound topic, but I think nobody made me feel guilty in my motherhood path, even if they tried hard. I’d say that I have only felt guilty about my mothering actions/choices when I knew deep inside me that I was doing something that was against my instinc and my believes, something that I secretly perceive as wrong.
I don’t think others can make you feel guilty just by their comments. There is something inside you that is moved by those comments. Without this fundamental click, there is no guilt. Maybe you get upset at the person that made that -totally out of place- comment, or the comment made you feel bad and uncomfortable, but NOT your choice.
I’m nursing 2.9 years old L., and even when people make comments about extended nursing or nursing while pregnant, these comments never made me feel bad or unconformable about my choice. I simply know I’m doing the best I know, acting accordingly to my instinct, my believes and my heart.
On the other hand, even when I still nurse Layla a lot, I don’t nurse her on demand anymore. I started to set up some limits when she was 22 months. Well, many women may think this is not “the best” or the “most natural” choice, but it’s the best I can do ,and the best balance I can find between my needs and her needs. So…nobody can make me feel bad about my choice.
In general, Leigh, I wasn’t talking directly to you or about your personal experience. We never know who may be reading this article, a desperate mom, a pregnant woman that’s trying to find information about breast or formula feeding…It’s always good to bring up some good information, facts as Agustina would say.
Talking about facts, I’d like to ad that the World Health Organization recommends exclusively breastfeeding your infant for the first six months (“exclusively” means: no formula, no solids, no water, only breastfeeding on demand, day and night, for the first six months or until your baby is ready to start solids). The same organization also considers that breast milk should be the primary food for the first year of your child, and that the optimal lactation should last for at least two years. After that, until both mom and child enjoy it! The average weaning age in the non-Western cultures is 4-5 years old.
Also: bottles, pacifiers and supplementing with formula are proved to interfere seriously with breastfeeding.
Finally, I’d like to ad that every expecting mom should educate herself about babies sleeping patterns (Dr. Sear’s book was very helpful to me). Babies don’t sleep like adults and they have their very good reasons (Nature is wise!). Night nursing is super important in order to build your milk supply. These are facts, and -I know- exhausted moms are also facts! All I can say is that babies grow super fast, and the bitter moments of being a mother will pass soon to
Thank you Leigh! I really appreciate you: 1) writing about these topics 2) writing in a respectful way 3) Being open to the dialogue.
Muchos besos!
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Hey Laura,
I completely agree that it’s important to have the information, which is why I so strongly believe the tone of the dialogue must be respectful. So anyone can come into that space and share her experiences and beliefs.
I didn’t think you were speaking directly to me, and yes it is important that people know that pumping and co-sleeping can both be extremely instrumental in the breastfeeding process. Both to ease the issues I wrote about above as well as others. My main point is to keep in mind that even with help and information, sometimes you will want something you didn’t originally think you’d want.
As for the guilt, I think it’s a rare person who can hear someone say that if you do [fill in blank] you are not being a good mom, and not worry. Especially when you’re new, exhausted and in pain. It’s difficult to know where to find the balance between yourself and your child. Sometimes you do have to put your child first. But sometimes, mom has to come first.
And speaking of getting information out there… maybe it’s time for a breastfeeding resource guide for Matador Life. What do you think?
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Agustina,
I’m not able to comment directly to your other comment.
I’m sorry that you dealt with that. Sometimes the internet can be a fantastic source of information. Other times it leaves you open to people who don’t always know what they’re talking about.
I suppose in many ways what I’m saying is exactly what you’re saying. It’s too bad people didn’t see past their own choices to help you find the best for yourself. But I’m glad you finally did get the support you needed.
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I mentioned earlier the BBC’s World Have Your Say contacted me after this published to be part of their live radio program.
It’s a really interesting debate and covers all angles of the discussion in a very respectful way.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/whys/
It will be available on their site until next Wed when they post the most recent show.
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Hola Leigh!
I’d thought you’d like to read the (not that good) experience of one of the mothers on the BBC show: http://one-of-those-women.blogspot.com/2010/07/tale-of-two-worlds.html
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Great article and interview, Leigh. (You have a great radio voice. )
I don’t have any children so I can’t offer up personal experience. I love the quote you included at the end of this piece that sums up how I feel about this debate and other women’s issues debates: “Feminism comes down to one thing. The ability to be able to make the choice to do what you want.”
I’m pro-debate, anti-judgement.
I say mothers should do what they feel is right for them, share with other moms why they make the choices they do, then support their fellow earthly sisters in the decisions they make.
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.. an the controversy never stops (on the BBC story)
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=134218686598562&v=info
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Chiming in late, but this is a fabulous article, Leigh, and well thought out. Also, quite possibly the greatest title in the history of titles.
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Oh God, yes, I love Tessa Strasser (Thanks, Kate, for sending me the link to her blog).
It really troubles me how people with even the best intentions want to control or shape the way women care for their children.
No one wanted to breastfeed my child more than I did, but I simply couldn’t. Initial difficulties with latching were resolved with a wonderful breastfeeding coach at the birthing center where I had Mariel (and curiously, the coach had never been a mother herself); however, I never produced enough milk. I pumped, I drank fenugreek tea, I did everything you’re supposed to do. Nada.
And so, after two or more months of frustration, I switched to formula and decided I wasn’t going to feel bad about it. Period.
Yes, I know what research says. And good God, don’t you think that if things had been different, I would breastfeed? Yes. But quite simply, I couldn’t. And that doesn’t make me a bad mother, and it doesn’t mean my kid will be any more or less intelligent than anyone else’s. It means that I know what was best for us at the time and made th choice I needed to make.
We all need to respect one another’s decisions.
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Thanks Leigh, for bringing up this important topic about breastfeeding again.
I think the real problem is about education. This reminds me of the cigarette smoking issue in Europe, which is all about education. There are people who don’t think there is any problem with smoking, or second hand smoke around children just like those who are simply unaware of just how much better breastfeeding is for a baby. It doesn’t make any one “bad” or “guilty” if they choose other wise, but there are FACTS to deal with first and foremost and EDUCATION helps people make the best choices.
More important than the militant mom who thinks it’s “creepy” is educating those on the fence or those that just don’t know what to think or haven’t thought it out. Money is also part of the discussion because formula feeding costs more and creates more health problems in both baby and mother and companies get rich on them ( and give away some free formula to every new mom leaving a hospital!).
The first fact that is missing in this discussion is:
“While commercial infant formulas are commonly perceived to be the medically recommended second-choice infant food after breastfeeding, the World Health Organization (WHO) actually states: “The second choice is the mother’s own milk expressed and given to the infant in some way. The third choice is the milk of another human mother. The fourth and last choice is artificial baby milk.”
http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/what_should_know_formula.html
( The above article gives information about formula that should always be taken into consideration when making an important choice like this like how many recalls there have been and other deeper problems).
So when you talk lightly about supplementing with formula “next time” you skipped right over choice 2 and 3 and went to the 4th best choice. Also supplementing with formula is a OFTEN the way mothers soon end up not being able to breast feed their babies as it interferes with the natural way and often dries up the supply. I’m very conscious about “supply” because I had to learn the hard way. I did have to supplement,some, but we used breast milk from a milk bank ( over an hour away from our home).
Unlike you, I had a heck of a time nursing. I had a failure to thrive baby who was sucking ALL the time, but had a feeding problem so was getting very little milk due to the way she sucked. She latched on perfectly, so it was very hard to detect and took many doctors and lactation experts and then OT to solve the issue and I was in pain for most of the first year. Needless to say she was a high needs baby who never got milk-drunk EVER. I had to keep pumping ( with her on me in a sling standing up while she napped on me) to keep my supply up ( although my supply was not the problem).The way she nursed made my nipples bleed and scab for the first year and was often very painful.
She could not suck from a bottle either and we tried contraptions from the doctors & LC’s to try to get some nourishment into her but she was so active & rarely slept ( she crawled at 4 months, walked at 6m) that she constantly lost weight and we were always having to weigh her ( under the threat of her having to get a feeding tube put into her tummy). She was never any where near the minimum weight percentage that they use for babies by age. She is still a skinny minnie, but healthy as a horse and rarely gets sick.
She had a VERY difficult long birth, including forceps which led to these problems which made us almost a poster child case for problem, painful nursing. ( I won’t even go into the horrendous long case of thrush that we dealt with & other things on top of this).
Yet, we finally worked through all of it and she went onto do self-led weaning at a record high age. It was really hard, yet I also had wonderful times nursing her as she was a baby who really wanted and needed the breast. She never needed a “lovie”, “blanky” etc because she was attached to another human being and still loves to cuddle.
I always think that if I could breastfeed, then anyone could, ( I’ve even known adoptive mothers who have breastfed with the help of friends and milk banks) but I know some can’t or just don’t want to. The feeding tube can lead to problems ( we went to support groups at Stanford and saw for ourselves) so it was something I hoped to avoid and did.
Breastfeeding does not come naturally in our culture. it often takes a LOT of support ( but I think, even at it’s worst, it is still easier than formula with all of that stuff to deal with). I’m grateful that my child has clear conscious memories of how wonderful it is to be on the receiving end, so she will pass that gift onto her child ( along with lots of natural immunity that I passed on to her).
Our society is still shocked to see a breastfeeding child. Yes, it seems “creepy” to many people and quite sadly, the number 4 choice, the bottle and pacifiers now seems normal. Nothing could be more abnormal than the bottle, yet our culture has a hard time ( men and women) understanding what breasts are made for. Really understanding breastfeeding is so essential for humanity. That is where we start our unnatural attachment to things instead of people.
If women get enough education and support long before having babies ( and during that hard first year or two) then I don’t think there would be such polarity.
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I did not make my decision to use formula next time lightly, and I’m a bit surprised that you would simply assume that.
While education about childbirth, L&D, child rearing and breastfeeding is extremely important, lack of education is not the reason all women make the decisions they do. I researched, read, met with lactation consultants, La Leche League volunteers, talked with other mothers, doctors and an herbalist I know and trust implicitly. There was not a single decision I made lightly.
The bottom line is that not all my choices worked for me, and to tell me I should make the same choices no matter what the consequences is simply misguided.
Throwing more information at mothers who have already researched doesn’t help them, it makes them feel unheard. I know this both from personal experience as well as from other mothers who took part in a mother’s group I ran from the time Lila was born until she was over a year old.
There were more than 200 mothers on my mailing list who I saw often and many of them came to me for advice and resources — which included everything from breastfeeding to fertility to herbal remedies. I never once told anyone what I personally thought she should do, because it is my personal philosophy that people must make choices on their own. I always felt my role was to provide information and unconditional support.
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Leigh, you say that throwing facts at mothers who did the research is not helpful, but there is so much information out there, and so much of it is not right, that sometimes things need to be said over and over, to make sure mothers are really making an informed choice – which should be the goal of any advocate of any area of light.
Sometimes some mothers get lucky and can supplement with formula and breastfeeding, but most times this is not really possible, for 2 reasons. One is the mechanism of how breastmilk is produced, that is well known so I won’t get into it. The other reason is the impact formula has on taste buds. Because it has a lot of sugar added, formula alters the baby’s ’sweet tooth’ and the sweetness that a baby will need to satisfy the sweet buds, cannot be satisfied by breastmilk any more. This is one of the reasons formula is associated with obesity in adult life. For this two reasons, as soon as formula is introduced, the weaning process has begun. And the sooner you introduce the formula, the fastest the baby will wean from the breast. If you introduce formula to a newborn, there is no realistic chance of having a successful breastfeeding relationship with your baby. Some mothers that don’t wish to breastfeed beyond the year, introduce formula at the same time as solid food, and have a slow weaning process until the baby turns one, this is common to happen. Feeding formula before the six months mark while maintaining a good supply and a good breastfeeding relationship, is not common, in fact, it rarely happens.
I confess I am a bit curious about your breastfeeding experience, 2 years and months is a really long time to breastfeed and I wonder at which point you felt ‘done’ with it. I wonder this, because when the baby turns one, then he/she can have any kind of milk, and that is not ’supplementing’ is simply giving the child another food they can have.
I don’t advice using parenting groups as a breastfeeding support group, lot of people have a lot of information tat is not accurate, a lot of people will share experiences that prolly won’t work for anybody else, and you feel you have tried ‘everything’ when in fact what you have tried is things that have worked for other people whose breastfeeding relationship is very likely very different from yours, and it will just frustrate you and wear you out.
The best thing to do is to attend regularly to a group that is exclusively for breastfeeding and that have a good reputation (hospital groups usually do NOT have good information). The older the group, the better. In old groups, there will be mothers that have been attending for years and they have heard of hundreds of breastfeeding stories and they prolly have heard of some similar to yours, so instead of trying 20 different things that have worked for others, you will be given 2 or 3 things that have works for others LIKE YOU, and most likely, one of them will work. Also, women that have been hearing breastfeeding stories for a long time, they have an extra wisdom and a lot of times are able to read your baby’s cues before you do. For example, when my son was 9 months, he was wanting to breastfeed every 45 min every night, and the more I complied, the more unsatisfied he seemed. I talked about this in my LLL, I expressed concerns about my supply, about him being hungry, about offering more solids, or wondering if he was sick. To my shock, one woman told me ‘I think your child is asking you for ‘less’ and not for ‘more’, he seems to want more space’ 3 nights after day, he went from cosleeping and night nursing every hour to sleeping through the night on a mattress on the floor. Me and my support network would have never guessed that was what he wanted, we simply lacked the experience and the community stories about breastfeeding to be able to read those clues.
I also advice to assist to this group from an early stage and regularly, they are often only one hour a month. Let them get to know you and your baby, so if and when problems arise they can help you better. LC are good for when there are specific technical difficulties, but often they lack the information they need to be helpful when the problem is not so technical, and they are most unhelpful when the problems have a big emotional component.
Finally, I would like to address this mother/baby division. there is no such thing, as soon as baby is born, mom and baby are one unique relationship that is more than the sum of the parts. Mom and baby are one, for the mother sometimes acting according to this is an intellectual exercise, for the baby it is not, a baby does not know the difference between him/her and the mom. When mother separates herself from her baby and think of them as separate entities, harmony is broken and things will not flow. Some mothers bond fast, some take more time, which is why I believe that the breastfeeding relationship starts in the womb. The more connected you are to your baby at the moment of birth, the more milk you will produce. If that connection isn’t there, it doesn’t matter how much you cosleep or how much mother’s milk you drink, the mom’s body will not react to the baby and will not produce milk. Nursing is so much more than just food. This is why women that have doulas are more successful at breastfeeding, doulas work with you in connecting with your baby and when baby is born, mom and baby are ready to melt together and to be one, for the first year of the baby’s life.
So if a mom is serious about nursing, I advice: 1. get a doula 2. have an empowered natural birth and put the baby in the breast during the first hour after birth 3. join a good breastfeeding group and attend and participate regularly
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I said throwing information at a woman who already has the information is not useful. You have to really listen to the underlying issue and address that.
Every person has a different experience with breastfeeding. You have to take each person’s individual variable and hear what they’re saying, what they want. Only then can you really know what information they need.
I’m not irresponsible. Nor do I take these things lightly.
When I say I gave women information, I would first listen, second unconditionally support and finally, when I have their permission to offer advice, I refer them to a book, group or support person.
When a mother is sick, sad or not functioning, that also breaks the harmony and bond between the two. They must be taken as a unit. Thus, you cannot only put baby first.
That is the crux of what I’m saying. More information about breastfeeding goes beyond that. I suggested in an earlier comment that perhaps a breastfeeding resource page would be useful for Matador Life. But for me, that is a separate discussion to the one I’m having here.
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Leigh, the problem here is that I am talking about breastfeeding, and you are talking about yourself.
You presented an article about a breastfeeding v formula feeding, the conversation evolved to breastfeeding, and I have been talking about breastfeeding. I have provided information and my personal view of how breastfeeding has been successful. I have not talked or addressed case-to-case basis, simply because no case was exposed.
And yet, you have replied to every comment talking about yourself and your experience and talking as if every comment was a reaction to your breastfeeding experience. If you want to talk about your breastfeeding experience, then make an article about your breastfeeding experience. But making an article that prompted people to talk about breastfeeding, and respond to each comment like if your motherhood have been under attack is a very dishonest way of having a discussion.
Whether you accept it or not, you are angry. Whether you admit it or not, you have a strong unresolved issues. Maybe you should work through those issues before attempting to host a discussion presented as objective and non judgemental. It is obviously very triggering topic for you, and you feel personally judged by every word, and it is very unfair for the people that are taking their time to try to communicate honestly about a sensitive issue. I don’t know you, I don’t know your motherhood or how your breastfeeding went, nobody is talking about you, except you.
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About a mother being sick, sad, non functional.. i have seen tons of those in my La Leche League Group, not once any of them was told ’suck it up, baby comes first’ They were told: sudden weaning is bad for a baby, being sick/sad is bad for the mom, lets help you find a middle ground to go through this wit your baby, as a couple. Mom would have received tons of emotional support for her sadness, being given vitamins for her sickness.. and at the same time, baby would have been help to wean in a respected non traumatic way. It happens all the time. Actually, I am in the process of weaning my toddler right now, and I have been working on it since he was 17 months. Nobody in la Leche League or none of the breastfeeding ‘gurus’ I have asked for gently methods of doing it have lectured me, and I don’t feel judged or unsupported. And I certainly don’t get mad at the extended breastfeeding advocates for stating the obvious, that extended breastfeeding is an amazing thing to do for your child. My journey with my son is ending soon though, and it was my decision. Maybe with my daughter it will be longer.. or maybe it will be shorter, who knows. I do know, that we are all happy and in peace with all the decisions made so far, and that’s the important thing.
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Hey Soul Traveler, thanks for sharing your experience!
I’d like to know/read more about your experience using the milk bank. I tried to find the story in your blog, but I couldn’t. I’m sure it’s me being too slow in this rainy, cold Sunday
I don’t know much about this topic (except that milk banks exist), and I don’t personally know anybody that has chosen milk bank as a feeding/supplementing option.
I do know a case where the mom was seriously ill (nothing related to pregnancy), and she had to had an emergency C-section. She died after the surgery (so sad), because of her decease, not of the section. Her family and husband were very strong about breastfeeding, so they found an awesome group of moms that would donate their milk to the baby, or even nurse him directly from their breasts, and that’s how he had only breast milk during the first six months, and even long after.
Thank you again!
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Agustina,
I am talking about personal choice. Yes, perhaps I use my own experience to illustrate it, but I’m not angry.
I do feel that your assuming all sorts of things about me is unfair and unjustified. You don’t know me, nor do you know my entire experience of breastfeeding based on what was said here.
I am content to know that I do not have unresolved issues related to breastfeeding., I think you have taken much of what I said in ways they were not intended.
All that said, I do intend to include a breastfeeding resource guide in Matador. If you’d like to be part of that discussion, you are most welcome. But I think once the personal attacks begin here, the conversation for me is over.
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Sorry Leigh, I think you are really misunderstanding my words. I’m truly not assuming ANY thing about your choices and I’m certainly not telling you or anyone else what choices to make. I agree that breastfeeding is a personal choice. I said in my original post that some people can not or just do not want to breastfeed. I was a formula fed baby so have seen it from both sides. I just think really good education is key and would help greatly with the polarized stuff.
I think Augustina understood what I meant about how important education is today because there IS so much out there that is not accurate and can be so misleading. I so agree with her that “sometimes things need to be said over and over, to make sure mothers are really making an informed choice – which should be the goal of any advocate of any area of light.”.
I wasn’t talking about your personal choices ( and certainly support you and everyone doing what ever works for you or them) but was trying to add my own personal experiences through extremely difficult nursing ( a rarity) and what I learned through that experience.
Every nursing experiences is different and good education and support is key. For many breastfeeding is extremely easy. BUT If it does not come easy and one has a challenge, it is VERY difficult to get the help one needs, even in an area that is very pro nursing. MOST of the “experts”…doctors, nurses,midwives, lactation specialists, occupational therapists, physical therapists ..were useless for me and my baby.
The top ( very experienced) woman at La Leche League and one very bright and very experienced LC were the only ones that saved us, after TOO MUCH bad advice. ( And yes, I too was very informed and educated on this topic thoroughly even before getting pregnant….but not for handling an extremely rare case). Sometimes you have to look a lot deeper to solve a problem. What I learned is there can be possibilities even when many experts say there are none.
Some babies can not even drink ANY formula, so that can be another issue. My baby couldn’t.
I also agree with Augustina:
“The best thing to do is to attend regularly to a group that is exclusively for breastfeeding and that have a good reputation (hospital groups usually do NOT have good information). The older the group, the better.”
I wish I’d started going to LLL meetings while pregnant instead of my yoga group as there is a lot more to nursing than most women know before doing it. I know a mom who wanted to nurse but couldn’t with 5 babies, then on her 6th she discovered LLL and finally nursed successfully ( and then her 7th too).
Breastfeeding is an art that we have all but lost in this century and having really good, loving guidance is important. All the studies show that it is best by far for both mother and baby ( and our culture) yet only 30% of U.S. new moms are feeding their babies exclusively with breast milk at three months and only 11% are still breastfeeding at six months. In Sweden, where there is more support for families, 53% continue to breastfeed exclusively for over six months.
Yet,I would venture to say most of the US moms probably consider themselves well informed. I think those stats tell us that there is not enough education and not enough support for new moms and babies. Most parenting websites and magazines are pretty useless. My experience also tells me that most of the “experts” trying to help or educate moms are sorely lacking.
For those moms who want to nurse, but are having difficulty, finding truly good support is key and trickier to find than it should be. The American rush,rush,rush “More” consumer lifestyle is not real conducive for the receptive, relaxing, attachment act of nursing. Formula bottle propped up by a pillow or plugging in a pacifier was even used in the 50’s. Even with all the problems we had in the beginning, nursing was a tremendous experience for both my child and me, thus I’m eternally grateful to those who helped us & want to encourage others.
My point in adding to the discussion was to share my experiences and point out some important information about breastfeeding . Since you brought up the point of doing nursing and formula together, I thought it important to also add the essential facts about such. Not about your choice or any ones choice, but just adding the known consequences, making it clear that W.H.O. sees formula as the 4th best choice ( no one had mentioned all of them) and as Augustina said so well:
“Sometimes some mothers get lucky and can supplement with formula and breastfeeding, but most times this is not really possible….,,For this two reasons, as soon as formula is introduced, the weaning process has begun. And the sooner you introduce the formula, the fastest the baby will wean from the breast. If you introduce formula to a newborn, there is no realistic chance of having a successful breastfeeding relationship with your baby”
I’m so glad to hear that there will be a breastfeeding resource guide in Matador as this is a very important topic. The World Health Organization and UNICEF have recommended for over a decade that mothers breastfeed for at least two years. Finding ways to support mothers with that is always a good thing. It is also best for the planet, the environment and the easiest way to travel with a baby!
As a world traveling family on an open ended tour, I’m grateful for our extended nursing experience for so many reasons, including all the full natural immunity my child received from it ( including measles, mumps, chickenpox, hepatitis, whooping cough etc since I had them).There is no better immunity than natural immunity and a strong immune system, so this is another benefit of breastfeeding for traveling families.
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Here is WHO “Ten facts about breastfeeding”:
http://www.who.int/features/factfiles/breastfeeding/facts/en/index.html
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Thanks, Laura. I’ll be sure to include it in our breastfeeding resource guide.
As for this article, though. It’s not really supposed to only be about breastfeeding, but the many different choices mothers and parents make. While breastfeeding kickstarts the discussion, it goes much further than that.
My main point is that I believe there needs to be a great respect between parents and their individual choices. I mention my specific choice here not to make a stand on anything in particular, but to say that given what I know now, I would make a different choice under the same circumstances, and I wouldn’t let another’s opinion change that if that person comes to me from a place of judgment, right vs wrong.
There are many parenting choices I might do differently. It’s a live and learn process, many of which are not cut and dry.
The same applies, I think, to many areas of life. We talk this related to tourism a lot here at Matador. Do you visit places like the Galapagos or not? Do you buy from locals or not? Do you travel with computer or not?
With any topic if there is not mutual respect, there is no conversation. That is my point.
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Leigh this article was such a refreshing take on the whole breastfeeding vs. formula debate. I’ve been browsing forums on this topic, and it seems like most of what I find is a list of comments with mothers trumpeting their own individual ‘accomplishments.’ It seems as if as parents we often find our identity in certain things we believe in, like “Hi I’m Heather and I breastfed for __ years and ___ months” or “Hi I’m Heather and I used formula from day one.”
For me, I want to be make informed choices that are healthy for my baby and for me and my family. I want to be happy with my choices, but I don’t want one single thing like how long I’ve breasted to define who I am. As people we are so much more multidimensional than one cause or one belief. I don’t want the number of months I’ve chosen to do or not do something to become my primary identity and cause, and I don’t want to end up judging other people who have chosen to do differently.
I remember reading David Page’s article Adventures in Weaning on the Notebook, and most of the comments were criticisms of his and his wife’s decision to wean their child at one year. The impression I got from those comments is that other people (well it was all women) were attempting to make them feel guilty for only breastfeeding for a year. I came away from those comments with a really negative vibe, a pressure to do things a certain way whether it’s healthy for you (physically and emotionally) or not.
I think you make an important point when you say, “My main point is that I believe there needs to be a great respect between parents and their individual choices.”
Let’s have some more of that.
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Thanks for the comment, Heather.
I’ve often wondered if the desire to stick so strongly to one’s own experience and belief is a reflection of people’s insecurities with their own choices. Not that I mean that in relation to any of the women commenting here or on David’s piece, but more generally.
The whole Us against Them feels so strange to me. I’ve never understood it. That’s why when Nick sent me a link to a Guardian article about Kathryn Blundell, I knew I wanted to write this article.
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My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
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