I hate driving. I always have. I don’t like sitting behind the wheel. I don’t care about going fast. I much prefer walking, biking, skipping, hopping and even crawling to getting in a car behind the wheel. I’ve been this way as long as I can remember, too.
When we first moved to Salta, we lived in town, so it was possible to get around without a car. Then we moved to the country. It’s not far from Salta, and while possible to move back and forth by bike, we drive Lila the10 miles to school every morning. Then Noah, who usually takes Lila to school while I work from home, went out of town, so I had to drive.
If you know anything about driving in Salta, you’ll know that it is one of the most insane places to drive on the planet. So my choice was to keep Lila home the entire week. Or brave the streets.
The first day wasn’t too awful. A bus bum-rushed me, then swerved around into oncoming traffic. Meanwhile, every car behind me honked incessantly because I wasn’t moving fast enough. From my point-of-view, though, going faster would have caused me to crash head-on into the bus while concurrently knocking over at least three pedestrians, a motorcycle carrying an entire family of four — no helmets — and two men on bikes. But I made it on time, only my ego a bit bruised from all the nasty looks and hand gestures.
Day two, the main road closed for construction, so I followed a group of cars around on a detour through traffic-lightless intersections in which size of vehicle governs right of way. I learned quickly to push ahead anyway.
My hands, no longer white-knuckled, relaxed on the wheel, but I couldn’t stop cursing at passing drivers as they bobbed back and forth across one lane to overtake me. “I hate this,” I shouted.
By the third afternoon, I found myself wending my way through stopped cars, hitting the gas to bypass oncoming traffic and my trip into town took 15 minutes instead of 30. My hands, no longer white-knuckled, relaxed on the wheel, but I couldn’t stop cursing at passing drivers as they bobbed back and forth across one lane to overtake me. “I hate this,” I shouted.
“Don’t worry, Mama.” Lila’s little voice piped up from the back seat. “You’ll eventually get used to it.”
Am I just trying to fool myself?
Two thoughts arrived in my head simultaneously.
The first: She says that because she’s heard the exact phrase from me.
“Mama, I don’t like school,” Lila complains.
“You haven’t had to get up early all summer. You’ll get used to it.”
“Mama, I don’t know how to put my whole head underwater,” Lila lets me know.
“It feels funny to be in a place where you can’t breathe. You’ll get used to it.”
The second thought? I prickled. “I AM used to it, I thought. I wasn’t nervous. I didn’t hesitate. I know what I’m doing. I’m used to it. It’s just that I don’t like it.
Then I wondered. Is there a difference? Do we dislike things only because they’re difficult for us? Or because they scare us? Or they make us uncomfortable in some way?
Photo by Gemsling
I tried to think of example to show that you can both dislike something and be comfortable with it, and aside from food choices — I do not like dulce de leche — I could think of nothing. How often do we say we don’t like something before we really even try?
So what do you think?
Is that feeling of dislike — for people, places, things and choices — simply a form of of avoidance? And perhaps are these dislikes simply negatives in our lives that keep us from accomplishing what we truly want? Then, of course, there’s the other side of things. Why do we so often stay with things we don’t like? A job. A relationship. Even possessions, like houses or clothing. Do we too stubbornly hold onto that which makes us most comfortable in spite of what we lose?
I have no definitive answers to these questions.
Returning to me and driving. By the time Noah returned home, I’d had enough. I immediately handed the keys to him. Still, Lila’s innocent question made me realize I should continue to force myself to drive until I do truly feel comfortable.
That’s one step closer to greater freedom.
COMMUNITY CONNECTION:
We talk often here on life about how to move past the things that hold you back and keep you from living your dream. From the I-Can’ts to recognizing when it’s time to move and travel and when it’s time to put down roots.
How do you know when you’re setting up your own obstacles? And how do you avoid them?
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10 Comments... join the discussion!
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I think part of the equation is if there is a reward — maybe someone doesn’t like working out but they like how it makes them look and feel later, so they’ll get through the hour at the gym or running. I actually love running but I hate the getting started. But I’ve done it so long now it’s routine. I just do it. If we travel there are tons of inconvenient things we must do to get ready – we may not like it but we love when it’s done and we’re on our way.
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Very true. There are many different layers and levels to any choice or event. We’re not going to like all of it.
So I suppose, then, the idea of forcing ourselves through certain things is crucial.
The trick is figuring out which things we must push through and which to leave alone.
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If you don’t like it, don’t do it. It’s not worth the stress, anxiety, even physical illness spent worrying about doing something you hate. Even when I do something I hate, it’s usually to conquer a fear. But I still fear it — whatever it is — even after doing it. I don’t feel liberated. I feel like I just wasted time that could have been spent being happy by simply avoiding doing the thing I hate in the first place.
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Would you mind giving some examples?
I haven’t found that to be the case. I found scuba intimidating before I took a course, but now I love it. I feel the most free and at peace when underwater. Most things, my fear of them far outweighs the reality of the fear.
Ok, there are a couple things, like skydiving, that I may never do. There are a lot of other things I prefer and want to try first. Then, again. You never know.
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Jetpacker brings up a good point – here in Colorado many people aspire to climb all of the 54 highest peaks. I’ve climbed many of them but have avoided the most difficult ones due to my poor balance and fear of heights. Except for one that I did with a group of friends. It was terrifying for me. I hated the top where it was most technical (Capitol if any readers have been there). But I pushed through and did it and survived (some don’t). I did not feel a sense of accomplishment. I was just happy to be coming down in one piece.
However I also hated backpacking when I first started many years ago. Now it is one of my favorite things to do and I love being in the backcountry alone. As long as I stay off the high parts
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Hmm, I think there are lots of things going on here. It’s definitely possible to be comfortable with something without liking it. A particularly banal example is cleaning out my cat’s litter tray. Perhaps a better one, which you mention, is jobs. Many people dislike their jobs, yet they are comfortable in them. This is presumably one reason they don’t leave (that, and needing to eat!). I think many of us tend to prefer comfort and familiarity over actual “like”. That’s one of the benefits of travel – it takes you out of your comfort zone.
An interesting question would be, is it possible to like something you are not comfortable with? And is there a difference between “like” and “enjoy”. You can probably enjoy diving even if you are not totally comfortable with it. But do you “like” it?
I’ve just tied myself into some stupid semantic knot… so I think I’ll go do some public speaking instead!
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So then we’re saying there are different levels of like and dislike?
Ok, how’s this? What if it is possible to truly enjoy cleaning the litter box? It might be disgusting in many respects, but perhaps the ability to focus on the positives of such act outweigh the negatives. Karma yoga uses this principle to a certain extent. If we can truly enjoy and not focus on the stinky cat pee (not an easy task), then we are most definitely more free.
A bit tongue in cheek here, a bit not.
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Hmm, serious tongue in cheek is always good!
I think there are certainly different grades of like and don’t like. We have different words for them, after all – love, adore, hate, detest…. Though of course they probably mean different things to different people.
As for the litter tray, sure it’s possible to enjoy cleaning it out. Though not if you have to ignore the smell of the urine. Surely, to truly enjoy cleaning it, you must embrace the smell of the urine, or at least detach from it.
I believe that’s one of the central tenets of Cat-piss Yoga.
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Contrary to my belief, I am not the only human being in the planet who hated driving. It gives a feeling of great relief to me. Well, I too prefer the good old way of walking, or rely on public transport. We, I know it feels like hell inside a bus in a typical rush hour Delhi morning. And the maddening Delhi crowd of vehicles with insane levels of honking, the bus provides some relief.
It is true that though we do many things in life in a good way, many of us don’t really like what we do though we are good at doing it. I feel that the layer that separates the “feeling good” and “good at doing, but not enjoying it” is very narrow. There are things (“necessary evils” like Physics mentions it) in life that we can’t put aside. In my case, I learn to live with it.
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